Work in the later afternoon. Raining off and on here all day, although not stopping me from smoking every 30 minutes or so. This rediscovered idea of writing in this thing to just me is working out much better and making me flow a little easier. This is diaryland. If I wanted to talk AT people I would get a site over at soapbox.com or listentowhatihavetosayitisrealfuckingimportant.com I feel quite embarrassed reading old entries where I�m grasping for attention, or reading other peoples diaries that aren�t even diaries in the true form of the word, just a place to bitch to people. Please.

today the alarm went off for 2 hours before I finally heard it. still trying to figure out if this is from marijuana, sleep deprivation in general, coffee late at night, nicotine? I didn�t smoke much pot last night, didn�t have a drop of alcohol at the club, but I did go to sleep at 3:45 to get up at 7.

Need to start my Christmas shopping, have literally not bought one single gift for anyone, currently have a $10 bill in my pocket, and half a pack of cigarettes. We get paid on Tuesday, and work until 12 noon, so I will start my shopping and end it then.

I don�t necessarily have that attitude of �Christmas has turned into this whole commercial thing� as, even when I was 6 years old, the whole point to me was to get gifts. We thankfully weren�t religious, and still aren�t, the notion that it�s the birth of Christ, well�whatever. I�ve always liked this season, this year though, I�ve been particularly apathetic. So I will rush around and by the few gifts I have. I have stuff for Dan in mind, and I have some others picked out, but that�s about it. I generally buy for about 3 or 4 people each year. I need to buy my train ticket to New York City for New Years Eve as well. After that, the money is gone.

Just remembered drinking gin and Gatorade as a teen and throwing up bright green all over some girls bathroom floor and leaving the place without telling her. Shit when I look back at some of the debauchery it makes me laugh and cringe at the same time. Pissing in the science teachers rain gauge in his back yard one night. Breaking into some rich persons garage and throwing a can of yellow paint all over the hood of the white Cadillac, and then dumping dirt all over it�in the middle of the summer. Spray painting swastikas back when there was no such thing as �hate crimes�.

It�s a bit funny when I think how serious people take things and themselves. why?

The more I think of those Hispanic guys in the Chinese restaurant last night the more I think of the fact that those people don�t deserve to live. There is no rehabilitation available for them. Send them to jail for being typical punk gang bangers who say �nigga� constantly? I�ve been against the death penalty for most of my life for the reason of innocent people dying, etc. But witnessing guys like this in the world I realize that some people just don�t deserve rights. They don�t deserve freedom of speech, they don�t deserve guns, they don�t deserve welfare and food stamps, they deserve to be sent back to Puerto Rico where they can harass gays there. At least they were speaking English. If I had walked out of the restaurant last night and saw that a car hit the three of them I would have gotten in my car and drove off happy and satisfied.

Sitting around the club last night while everyone is socializing and sitting in my corner with a scowl and too many cigarettes. Some nights, I can�t breathe, and I don�t want to network. I want to be left there to get lost in the music. I was put off center for most of the day somehow yesterday. Lately, well for a long time now it�s been solo. I talk to Jodie every day, and see the band 2 nights a week, the rest of my time has been spent doing nothing leaving me to question why I haven�t ended yet.

hmm, maybe next year? I don�t want to keep paying bills.

before & after