Oh Joy!
2002-12-04 || happy birthday to jesus
soundtrack � the flying burrito brothers compilation

so last night I realized I was actually �sick� for once. I thought of calling in sick to work, then I realized this isn�t really debilitating, it�s just a slight annoyance, so whatever. calling in sick is for times when you feel like staying home from work to do nothing. I don�t think I�ve ever been too sick to come to work, at least not in the last ten years anyway.

so the first thing a person wants to do when they are sick? smoke a good amount of cigarettes, marijuana, and drink iced coffee. Especially if it�s a throat/nose thing you have happening. fuck hot tea. hot tea is for non-heterosexuals. the next thing you want to do is wear just a thin hooded sweatshirt, this usually feels good when walking from car to house. car to store. car to house of ill repute, etc. the next thing you want to do is make sure you tell everyone you see about your new ailment. complain to your friends about it, your family. moan out loud, etc. this usually helps quite a bit too.

So last night after a nice healthy bowl of this British Columbian green and about 9 cigarettes in an hour, I decided to make my way up to the mall to buy a jacket and perhaps some movies to watch. I went into Best Buy looked around and found nothing of interest, shared a conversation with an old teacher from my high school for a little while. It�s great when you get old enough to talk to teachers as actual people and hear them bitch about the administration, etc. I made my way next door to Target. While I was approaching, I noticed two teenaged girls coming out arguing with someone. Upon approaching the door I realized they were being thrown out for stealing. The girl was shooting her mouth off, to which the young 20 something security guy said �next time, maybe you should steal some Midol�. If that�s not the funniest thing I had ever heard then I don�t know what is. The girls started yelling again, etc. When I left the store 20 minutes or so later I overheard one of the cashiers talking to one of the others asking if they saw �the fight out there�. There were 3 or 4 police cars in front of the place with the lights, and those two teenage girls standing there weeping with the policeman. I wonder what she did steal?

The jacket is fine thanks.

So in a pretty funny twist of irony, Wal-Mart reported their biggest day of sales in the history of the store on last Thursday. The International �Buy Nothing Day� or whatever it is. The fucking liberal protesting fucking leftist fucks. They had the right idea in the 60�s, I think we should spray liberals and protesters with fire hoses. I wouldn�t mind if there weren�t so many that have no idea what they are talking about, or if they weren�t so sensationalist. I seem to go back and forth with this shit year to year. One year I�m voting Republican, the next year I�m not voting, the next year I�m voting independent. Now, I just don�t vote at all.

It�s cold out, and there are now lights up and trees and decorations, etc. I love this time of year, as it�s the birthday of one of my best friends in the whole world. Jesus Christ. The son of God. Lord of all Lords. �Happy Birthday Jesus!� I usually will scream out when I wake up on Christmas morning. The past few days, I have been trying to find a present for Jesus Christ. I decided the best place to find a gift for Jesus would be either at Toys R� Us, or maybe the school yard down the road. We all know Jesus likes children, so if I can find him a nice piece of ass in the school yard, perhaps I can somehow get it to him. I was thinking of calling one of the Catholic churches in my area and seeing if one of the priests could help me out yesterday, so this morning I called one up in Salem.

Hi can I speak to the head priest, or whatever you call him?

Yes, that would be Father Marino, let me get him


Hi, can I help you?

Hi Father, I am a Christian from the area, and well, to get right to the point, I am very, very excited about the upcoming birthday party.

Oh, which party is that?

The birthday party we will all have for Jesus on Christmas

(chuckles) Oh, yes. this is a wonderful time of the year.

Well, let me tell you what I wanted to do; I want to get Jesus a present


I want to get Jesus something he will definitely like

What�s that?

A boy

Excuse me?

I want to get Christ a little boy

I don�t think I understand sir

Well, you guys all like little boys, so I figured I would get one for Jesus, this would guarantee me a place in Heaven!

Is this some kind of a sick joke?

Not really, -

I am hanging up, you should be ashamed of yourself


before & after