So there I am with my pants around my ankles trying desperately to rub one out to the quickly fading memory of the teen girl who served me coffee at the Dunkin Donuts in Nashville, when a knock came upon the door, �excuse me who is in there? I need to use this confessional booth�. I thought it would be funny to have an orgasm in a church, in Tennessee. Who wouldn�t think this would be fun?

So someone here just asked me if I would be taking my wife to the Holiday Party this weekend. This is not the first time I�ve been accused of being married. Do I look like a husband? Perhaps it�s the silver band I wear on my ring finger? It�s on my right hand though. Perhaps it�s the knowledge that I have a gigantic black cock.

So the weekend was a good time. We left on Friday morning for a drive to Mt. Laurel, NJ, outside of Philadelphia. We met up with some Diarylanders. Btchelicious, Peth, and Addie. I have probably spelled all of these wrong, and I am too lazy right now to look them up, and too lazy to find the html code thing I have here somewhere that links words to websites and shit. So we got to the hotel around 5:30 or so watched some children�s television, smoked marijuana, well, I did this stuff�They came and picked us up and we went to a restaurant that piped Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and other New Jersey artists like Oasis and INXS through the stereo for the whole night. They told us the tale of something called the New Jersey Devil. Call me ignorant, but I had never heard this tale. Evidently, the devil tale comes from the story of a guy who lost all this money in Atlantic City, was driving home when his car veered off the road. He got out of the car and all of a sudden he had entered some vortex which gave him horns, a tail, and red skin. Here is a picture of the New Jersey Devil I found on the internet.

So we did a little drinking, when I say little, I mean a little. Not before I admitted to the ladies that I would rather �watch 3 hours of child pornography than watch 5 minutes of bestiality�. They took us to a diner, which is actually where that last comment was made. I made the mistake of ordering a waffle and a glass of milk to go with the cheeseburger, nachos, and whatever else I shoved down my throat on the ride up there. I tell you, I like New Jersey a whole lot. The people are pretty nice actually, and our hosts were really cool. We were with them for one night and I felt pretty comfortable right away. If this were 5 years ago I would have been quiet and reserved and not laughing or anything. Anyway, the ladies were nice, and Peth has a really cool house on a quiet street with crunchy leaves. A man came in and scolded her for holding a cigarette at one point. We saw where btchelicious lost her virginity, and we discovered that in New Jersey you can go into a bar and buy a six pack of beer. You can also, if you live in New Jersey, be a midget and pick up women in bars.

We walked around Philadelphia on Saturday afternoon, spending money on music, and looking at the people of Philadelphia. What a cool city that place is. I could live there I think.

The drive to Wilkes-Barre was shorter than it seemed, the nasty breakfast from Denny�s didn�t help anyone though. The highway was dark and scary and marred by a lack of coffee places that didn�t exist. We found a hotel in one try.

This is when we felt real old. Going to see Today is the Day in the all ages club surrounded by kids in hooded sweatshirts, and sitting through an absolutely horrid opening band made for a test of ones patience to the 9th degree. It was worth it though. TITD absolutely destroyed the place, and Steve was as intense as expected from looking at the pictures of him live. Swallowing the microphone, making tons of noise, etc. We talked to him for a few afterwards and he invited us up to drink some beers at his place when we get back home. What a cool guy he is. On stage, if you didn�t know him you would think he was this crazy violent man, but he is a sweet guy who loves music and what he does. Quite possibly one of the most down to earth guys I�ve met. I thought back to us recording with him, and can�t wait to hopefully do it again next year.

The ride home yesterday was long and filled with brief traffic jams here and there which caused a little sighing on Dan and my part. I look forward to doing this trip again in a few months.

Okay, tomorrow I will get back to talking about how much I hate people because of their race and how I really, really, really enjoy child molesting, etc.

before & after