Okay, so I can�t go outside anymore. I went out briefly yesterday and immediately turned around and came home. I can�t be around crowds for the life of me. I have to go on the subway when I get out of work to go downtown to meet some friends for a musical event in a hockey arena that we received free tickets to. Anyway, I am dreading the whole situation, as I went out last Thursday to a gig, and aside from the music, I hated it. I�m starting to wonder if it�s even worth it to go out and see music anymore. It is all so fucking boring to me, and I can�t be around people without getting aggravated and physically ill. I enjoy sitting in and reading and watching movies, I am getting to that age where I just don�t feel like doing anything at all anymore. I�m done. I wish this stupid fucking holiday would go away already so these people will leave my city finally. I�m ready to break out the flamethrower. I wish someone would drop a fucking bomb on downtown Salem on Halloween night actually.

Accidentally catching some videos over the weekend I realized that I have no desire to be in the �rock music scene� I have no idea how to go about this though, or what it means. I realize how stupid people look with a guitar singing into a microphone like an asshole about anger and girls and this and that. I know that I can�t go by what I see on the music channels, but even the �indie rock� and that type of shit makes me feel uncomfortable to watch or listen to at this point. I hate singing the songs I write, they all suck, and they make no fucking sense. I hate playing guitar, and I have no desire to be even remotely connected to any kind of scene. We are on the outside of any kind of �scene� I guess, but I don�t think that�s even enough for me anymore. That�s it, I�m selling my guitar, and my soul.

It�s sunny out today, and cold, this feels good to me. It will be dark soon, and I will get on a little box filled with people and go downtown to be surrounded by more people, only wanting to go home and fall asleep, or talk to Jodie on the phone, or get stoned and watch a horror movie. I certainly don�t want to be outside today yet again though.

before & after