I don�t know what�s worse the fact that there is wrestling on my mute television right now, and it�s hot as piss in here, or that I�m still smoking this shitty Mexican brick weed to mixed results?

What a plain weekend I had. Tonight I went to the movies by myself to see Signs. I think I should have stayed home; I could have scared myself a little more. It�s now evident that I don�t like any of that guys movies, so I have no idea why I keep trying. I bought a bunch of DVD�s this weekend that I should be watching right now: Rosemary�s Baby. The Manchurian Candidate, Opening Night by John Cassavettes. I never knew that was on DVD. His movies are hard to find for some reason, but I recommend anyone with some taste to check out Shadows, the Killing of a Chinese Bookie, and anything else he�s done. I also bought a movie called �Stop, My Ass is on Fire volume 7�.

See what happens when you finally change the channel? You get to watch the first 45 minutes of the Mariah Carey movie Glitter, which I watched the last 45 minutes of this afternoon before running out of the house very quick pinching myself.

So a little while back now, maybe a week and a half ago or something I was sitting in my office waiting for the day to end one late afternoon. Anyone who knows me knows I work at a record label, and I am in charge of 6 people. Yeah, me. (Mariah just fucked this guy! I had no idea that she did that before she was famous!). 3 women, and 3 men, all but two are older than me by ten years at least. That in itself is kind of scary. So this one afternoon (who dresses that nice in the recording studio? come on!) I�m sitting there, and my boss comes in. (who does this asshole think she is naming her character Billie in this, does she think she�s Billie Holiday?) He is standing about 7 yards from me talking for a good ten minutes or so. He leaves, and just as he is out the door, I get up to go to the bathroom. As I�m walking back, there is a pipe on the floor. A marijuana smoking pipe. A drug pipe. �yeah dude� I think to myself. I know he didn�t drop it. I know he does it, but I know he would never bring it in to the office. ( I don�t like her with her hair back) I pick it up and immediately bring it to the one guy in there I know who most likely owns it. �Is this yours that was on the floor next to the big boss man�s feet a couple minutes ago?� �Whoops� he pulls it from me and puts it away. This is why I love my job, but hate the money. I would rather work at a job where there is no pressure really, than make more money and feel like I�m having a shitty time everyday. Plus, where else can you work and meet the guy who played guitar on Dylan�s Nashville Skyline?

�summa holidaye�

not the way I want to come across really,

I am going to blow my brains all over them

The social skills of a group of blind dumb and deaf children

What are you talking about?

I tell you what I�m talking about

All of them

Look at them bicker and accuse

Try and fail

Judge and opine

Our most common trait is the color of blood

Yet it�s assumed I eat the same foods and drink the same wine

I smashed every last fucking thing in here tonight

I smashed every fucking reminder that I�m civil when I go outside

Can�t let them in here can�t let them see where I live anymore can�t let them into my head at all ever I never have thank god can�t let them see me tell the truth in this room can�t let them manipulate me can�t let them tell me how they feel all of them have no desire to talk to me thank god though I feel like shit when I walk away I feel like shit on the drive home always feel like shit on the drive home

Ialwaysfeellikeshitonthewayhome

The things they all get depressed about

Are different from mine

Loneliness

Rejection

I�m used to all of that now

I�m depressed that I still have no idea if I have cancer yet

I�m depressed that I can�t go out of the house without thinking my car is going to be hit by another car

I�m depressed that I never get depressed

before & after