The fact that Lauren Ambrose exists, is enough to get me to wake up in the morning. But anyway, what a waste of time it all is right now. As much as I can take at one time, I really can�t surround myself with so much negative shit right now. The weekend was a welcome relief from my otherwise nothing life that I live. I don�t love anyone right now, the band seems to be on an unnecessary hiatus, I am completely broke, and I wouldn�t mind hurting myself with sharp, and/or blunt objects. I don�t really want to do that, as I�m one who thinks of some people in this world, and then think �shit, I don�t have it bad at all� Boo hoo, I can�t get a fucking hug or a kiss from a lady tonight, big fucking deal. There�s nothing that says I can�t daydream about this one and that one though. They�re all the same predictable folks though. I could tell you what they will say tomorrow, I could tell you what they are going to do next week. Anyway, talking about how much people let you down, etc, etc. is so fucking old and played out at this point, I don�t even know why I try. I sometimes wish I had all middle fingers, and my pants were down around my ankles. Lauren Ambrose exists, and I have a right hand, so life is not that bad actually. The last time I was depressed was on August 9th 1995. The next time I will be depressed is when my heart gets broken in the next six months or so. That goes away. The heart is a muscle after all, how hard is it to build muscles when you really want to? Not very hard at all to me anyway. Next girl who wants to break it again. Please.

I had 2 hours or so to get to the southern most part of Rhode Island on Saturday morning. I finally decided to go to sleep at around 4:30 on Saturday morning, so I could get the 2 hours of sleep for my alarm clock that would yell at me at 6:30. I only hit snooze until 6:51 and then got my shit together to head to this festival to do some work for the label. It is always odd to do my job outside of the normal office environment. Going to a festival to see a bunch of our artists perform, and sell merchandise, and hang out with people from work I barely know was going to be a slight test. At 7:57 AM EST I decided I needed to get high if I was going to stay awake for the 2 hour drive, and the subsequent 12 hours of standing on my feet. Not a second of traffic, but a few minutes of confusion, as I got off the wrong exit and started driving by the stadium where the Patriots play. Finally getting closer to the place, I realized I needed to get high again. It was a little sunny out, and I needed to have my self esteem lowered, and my chances of having anxiety issues brought even higher because of my retarded social skills.

I arrived to see the faces of some of the people I work with, the girl who was running it, whom I probably know the best, another girl who I�ve always thought was attractive, but never really talked to, and another guy and his wife. After the first 45 minutes of it, I was nervous about the girl who I thought was cute, and completely in love with the wife of the guy I work with. She reminded me a lot of my ex girlfriend, too much that I spent the most of the time talking with her. As for the girl who I thought was cute; she was too shy and reserved for me, and an hour into the experience, made a comment about cigarette smoke. She made a �no smoking� sign, and I felt self conscious every time I wanted a cigarette for the rest of the weekend. The day went by pretty quick, and by the end of it, I was drilling the girl I think is cute about music and life, etc. She seemed a little more open towards the end of the weekend, and even exchanged a couple of friendly e-mails today at work, but still, not my type really, oh, and lives with a guy anyway. Whoops. I did meet the guy who played guitar on Dylan�s Nashville Skyline, and New Morning though! Dave Bromberg.

We received free money for food, as well as motel accommodations�although Norman Bates could have ran this place we stayed at. When we got back to the place the first night, it was about midnight, and I decided to ignore the �welcome to our non-smoking establishment� sign and smoke marijuana in the room, and cigarettes in the bathroom with the shower blasting hot water and the fan on. It was near 1AM and I was all of a sudden in need of something more. After a brief exchange with the owner of the place in a dark lobby, I made my way out to the car to find the 24 hour 7-11 that he directed me to (�it�s 7.7 miles down route 1, on your left�). I also found a Wendy�s and a Taco Bell, and lots of teenagers in muscle cars hanging out. This must have been the downtown of Charlestown Rhode Island. The trip was unnecessary, as I didn�t need junk food and coffee at 1AM.

I woke up the next morning with a 20 oz. coffee cup with maybe 4 sips taken out of it on the night stand, a half smoked bowl on my bed, and the television still on with a t-shirt draped over it (I need music to sleep, so I put the country music video channel on, and covered the light from the TV with my shirt). The girl who was running it said we needed to be out of the hotel by 9AM to get to the 3rd and final day of the festival ( I missed the 1st day as I was back at the office). I fell asleep with no alarm clock thinking I would most likely wake up. I heard a light rapping on my door and looked at my cell phone which read �9:04 AM� I yelled I was just getting out of the shower, and threw my clothes on, brushed my teeth, and got to the lobby to see them waiting for me, and the guy who runs it saying �I told them about your little night trip last night� . I thought to myself �what?� Everyone I work with seems a little straight laced in a way, and all weekend I felt like I couldn�t joke like I normally do, and couldn�t use much sarcasm. By Sunday night though, I was making jokes alluding to us all doing cocaine all weekend, and commenting on the women at the festival and how Helen Roper would probably fit right in there. Nobody cared for the jokes that much, unless they were light hearted. I couldn�t say something like �I wonder how many of these people have actually had sex in the past 10 years�.

Having the laminate around my neck was pretty exciting, and I liked walking around to the backstage area just to see if I could find some woman to say �I will do anything to get backstage�. Unfortunately, it wasn�t that glamorous. All in all it was a pretty good weekend, and I volunteered to do it again next year. In a way, it felt like I was on a trip by myself, as the two girls drove together, the guy and his wife drove together, and I was by myself, being a freak and going out �in the middle of the night�, etc.

Unfortunate nights like this

I wish that I could hit rewind

Lying about how serious I am

Lying about who and where I am

Lying about how I really feel to myself

�sorry, wrong answer�

they never have the right answer

I hate to say who has been correct for 5 years now

I hate to admit things that would cause more problems

Nowadays, they tell me everything

I don�t tell them anything

Even the closest ones hear different stories from the ones I tell myself

I�m not even satisfied, I�m surrounded

They don�t know how to handle it

They don�t know how to make it through one night

Without telling me how disappointed they are with me

before & after