Current philosophy: a dwelling should be just a noun, never a verb

When I was a teenager, for a good chunk of it, I was straight edge. Not �don�t drink, don�t smoke, don�t fuck�. I think people get a little confused with that whole thing. At least with the �fucking� thing anyway. When I was younger, it was about the drinking, smoking, and drugs, from what most understood �don�t fuck� didn�t mean don�t have sex. Anyway, I was not doing any drugs, not smoking, and certainly not drinking. This didn�t last that long, but the no drinking rule stayed in effect for most of my life now. I think up until I was 25 I was probably drunk 20 times�maybe. I always thought people acted really stupid when drunk and I never wanted to miss anything, so I didn�t do it. I started again a few years ago, and then stopped in September of 2000. This past spring, for some reason, I started again. I have no idea why. I really don�t like it whatsoever. I can�t stand the taste of it, I can�t stand how it makes me feel, and I can�t stand people who are drunk. I mean a whole lot. I�ve decided again, that I need to stop. I don�t want it inside me, and I don�t want it around me. I realize how much I can�t relate to anyone really, even friends now. I really need another vacation, I need to go away alone though. I�m spending way too much time with people every day lately. I miss the old me who would spend days at a time not talking to anyone. I�m recently single again; I don�t know why I�m not taking advantage of this. I love all of my friends to death, but sometimes, I need to take days off at a time from the routines. Unfortunately I don�t really have the money to go away right now, and I feel rude not answering the phone, or avoiding people, or not calling people back. I already do this enough when I am �around� and being social, so to all of a sudden disappear is not a good idea. Perhaps in the fall, after the band is done with the recording session, and I am a little more level headed I will take a week off from work and drive down south again or maybe to the Midwest. The little disaster, even the last time I saw her said she wanted to still go away with me this summer. We had briefly talked about that years ago, and then off and on. I don�t think that is going to happen. As it stands right now, she is being shut out from my life. She doesn�t exist to me right now. This is easy, and this is the way things should be. She got her songs written about her, she got my heart in a slight tingle for a few days, but as I said above, a dwelling should always be somewhere you live, not something you do. 50 % of the reason I hate drinking is because of her.

An odd Saturday night, it�s 2:21 AM EST, and I just decided that I am not going to sleep tonight. I�ve decided that I can�t go to sleep tonight. I am too pissed off, etc to go to sleep right now. I am a hypocrite as I sit here and get high and tell myself I hate people who are drunk. How about me high? How about me feeling insecure and lethargic, and, and, and weak, and introverted, and, way too quiet, and, and lazy, and useless, and depressed, and ready to drive into a tree. She told me it hurt her when she read that I wanted to drive my car into a tree. I don�t think she understands how this is though. Having this condition. Having this existence.

It was so beautiful of a day today, that at one point, I put my sunglasses on, and it made it look worse, but I left them on because my head was filled with so much anticipation for something to happen. My head was filled with hope, there�s not really any hope right this minute though. There�s no hope at 2:26 AM EST, sorry. There�s not much going on in the brain when you realize its Saturday evening, and all of your ex-girlfriends are getting fucked tonight. I�d like to dwell on that actually. After tonight, I will just live in this dwelling. Denise, I wonder if she had sex tonight. I wonder if she still thinks of June 15th, 1985 as the first time either of us ever had sex. All of my ex-girlfriends are fucking tonight. I bet they are all in the same place. There is a line of beds, like when a place in the Midwest gets hit by a tornado. A tornado comes through the town, and blows everyone�s life to splinters. They put these people in high school gymnasiums, and there are rows and rows of beds with little piles of what belongings they could find right next to their beds. I bet that tonight, right now, at 2:29 AM EST, all of my ex girlfriends are in some big building in these rows and rows of beds fucking their pretty little heads off. I have the TV on with the sound turned down watching something called �Sinful Temptations�, and they are out making that face for some other guy. All of the girls I had crushes on in my life, all 200-300 of them, are all in another building going through a�ummm, what�s it called again, when you are at the beginning of the relationship, and you�re getting to know each other, it�s the best part there, the ummm�..COURTSHIP! All of the girls I had crushes on, are in this other building being courted by skinny guys with cool haircuts, and shitty mix tapes with way too much get-up kids, and not enough nat king cole. All of my ex-girlfriends are fucking tonight, and all of the crushes are being courted, what a way to end my Saturday night! Imagine the nerve of all of them! Knowing that all of your ex-girlfriends are having sex again is an awful feeling I think. Fortunately for me, I lose faces in the shuffle easily. I lose photographs. I rarely take pictures of girlfriends, as I never know if I should throw the pictures out, or keep them. For the record, I don�t think I�ve ever thrown a photograph of anything, or anyone out�unless it�s a shitty one of me. I hate when I accidentally stumble upon some stupid little

I�m actually tired, and need to go somewhere else, as I have too many other things to say.

before & after