Whenever I hear that an airplane crashes, I sort of giggle a little. I don�t know why. Well, not an airplane filled with people, but an airplane that they are testing, or something like that. So, maybe one person dies, and I giggle, but that�s not what�s funny. What�s funny about an airplane crashing is the amount of money these fucks, I mean us, the taxpayers, spend on these big toys. So I just read about one that they were testing and it crashed. So do all of these guys in white lab coats come running out freaking out I wonder? This can also be likened to how strangers react when I �act up� in public. I don�t know, sometimes I like to do things that normal people wouldn�t do. I�m 32 years old, so I need to do some fun things still, even if the friends I�m with don�t agree. Take for instance �Let�s see how loud we can say �anal� in here before someone turns around and looks at us��. �No Christian, come on, don�t do that� �Come on, it will be fun�anal�.anal�ANAL�ANAL!!�see, that guy turned around�� Or throwing things at cars that piss you off, and seeing the reaction of the person in the car. I like when older, �respectable� people get riled up. �Damn it, you fool!� they will yell at me. I give them a little wave, and a chuckle. There are too many straight fucks in this world, and people need fucking with on a daily basis, otherwise what fun is life?

I go out, and I wish I stayed in the house. Every night and a half is like this. Every fucking day now has been like this. I feel like I haven�t gotten anything accomplished all fucking weekend, I feel like a waste of fucking time this weekend. I feel like I should drive my car into a tree. Perhaps, by accident this will happen. I�ve noticed this light blinking on my dashboard every day now that reads �brake� in menacing bright red. I have no idea what this means, maybe the brakes are going. It would be quite a surprise if, maybe tomorrow, when I�m suddenly in a good mood all of a sudden, the brakes go out, and I can�t stop my car from burying it�s grill in the back of the 18-wheeler in front of me at 75 mph. This is how I will go out. A great day will ensue, and then I will hit a tree. The days like this, I have to sit here and wait to fall asleep. I hate that it�s only 9 o�clock, and I will be up until at least 4 tonight because it is hot, and I am in the worst possible mood I could be in. I hate the pettiness of girls, and the phoniness of guys. I hate the all around attitudes of everyone. I can never find many with the same opinions I have. Every once in a while someone will say to me �Yeah, we think the same� I have to look behind me to see who they are talking about. I don�t understand it really, I don�t put that much on the table, and what I do, is nothing much.

The only thing that is going good right now really is the band thing, although if I could I would play 6 days a week, not the 3. I am psyched to be in the studio for 5 days in a row, it will be fun, and exhausting to be immersed in all of it for a week. I came up with a sequence the other day for the songs that I think works musically and thematically. Once it�s mixed, and everything in between, and all the t�s are crossed, and the I�s are dotted, it will be great I think. I don�t want to settle for anything shitty.

I saw the little disaster today going into her work, as I was pulling away in a friends car, either she a) didn�t recognize me, b) was late for work, or c) didn�t want to talk to us, as she gave an apprehensive wave that confused me. I don�t really care either way really. As much as I miss her now, and would like to just go back to the way things were say, 3 years ago, it isn�t so�I�ll move on. Even though I seem to mention her every fucking day, the fact that she is doing whatever in whatever little time she has free, is enough to make me not really even have the time to care. The only thing I like dwelling on is how shitty people treat each other. If someone can find an ex of mine worthy of dwelling on, then perhaps you can tell me about her, as I don�t remember her face, or what her name was at this point. I have absolutely no idea what it�s like to be in love anymore. I don�t really care much about it either. I don�t think I can do it. I meet them, and like them, and like being around. I don�t think I can ever devote half of my life to someone again though. I like this independence too much. Even if I am miserable daily. I�m not really though.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you is how I feel every fucking single fucking day right fucking now. They all fucking don�t fucking know a fucking thing about me and they keep fucking coming back, and they keep having the ideas that we have some fucking thing in common. Every day I wait for the correct phone call to come in, and it never does. I get invited to loserdom, or I get invited to birthday parties and social events that make me want to throw up at how plastic it all it. I swear I saw a Dow Chemical label on the back of this guy the other night. I am anxious, and I think it�s because I haven�t had anything inside me that can make it go away. I hate this fucking feeling, when depression becomes physical, and your hands aren�t steady, and your stomach is in butterflies, and you want to break something in half at the drop of a dime. I will not enter the den of iniquity again. I will not enter the house of ill repute again. I will not enter the homes of whores and junkies. I will not enter into the mind of any unsuspecting females. I will not enter the eyes of anyone. I like leaving the sunglasses on, it makes it easier to talk to them all. At night though, I have to look them in the eye. At night, I have to talk to them, this is when I�m out. This is when my reputation is shown. Imagine that that chick told people not to trust me, and that I am not serious. How fucking dare someone talk shit when they�ve done the same fucking thing in the past. I only talk shit when I need to, for the most part, they are all weak and useless, so you have to talk about their inefficiencies. There�s nothing good to talk about, so why not focus on the negative. It�s meaty, and there is a whole lot of it. One of these days I will write a book and tell all of the stories. Right now, I can laugh with others and pick things apart. I don�t think there�s any reason I need to be loyal to anyone but myself anyway. When�s the last time you weren�t let down continuously?

The worst thing about everything right now is, there�s no way out. I am going to soon, jump off of a bridge in front of the Chelsea Youth Recreation Basketball Teen Center. I want this to be a non-event. Maybe nobody will find me for a week.

Fuck

I had the most beautiful weekend a guy can have. Well, a guy can have many different weekends, but I think this one was good for a couple of reasons. I think I made some progress with the guitar thing I was struggling with. I think I had a good night on Saturday night, out and about on the town with some friends, singing and drinking, and being merry all around. Sometimes, I wish I could buy the whole bar a round of drinks. It�s amazing how great life is sometimes! The sun is out, it�s summertime. It�s going around, summer fever is. I just shit my pants I am so happy. Today I took a ride along the coast with a friend, and we talked about how amazingly awesome everything really is right now. At one point, I told her to pull over, as I needed to hug her because of how amazingly awesome it would be. We pulled over, I hugged her, and then we continued to drive, and talk about things with gleaming sunglasses and gleaming teeth in the rear view mirror. I felt like if life was like it was this weekend, than everything would run so smooth for everyone involved. I think that if everyone was as happy as I am when I have a weekend like I had, then we can all raise our hands to the sky and feel the positive energy coming directly off of the sun into our souls. That is amazingly fucking awesome right there. That power is so fucking amazing, that I need to go vomit now. Fuck yeah!

before & after