So I�m walking in the house tonight after �another fucking day� of the routine, and hanging out with Dan trying to tell him it�s actually a good thing he can�t grow a moustache. I need to go into the back seat to grab my guitar out of the backseat, because, frankly, you should never leave a guitar in a backseat, regardless of where you live or what nationality you are (me being Italian, if someone stole it I could get it back easily). So I got the guitar and the back pack, I�m sorry, messenger bag filled with Phish CD�s and a journal I haven�t written in since July 21st 2000, at 9:45 pm, right before I went to sleep and never picked it up again. Who the hell uses pens and pencils anymore? I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. That�s quite possibly the worst sentence anyone has ever written down. Let�s see that again: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. And again: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night.. Yeah�Perhaps that�s actually the best sentence anyone has ever written, try it again: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. So I�m getting out of my car with the bag full of CD�s and bad poetry (but nothing in that book compares to this: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night.) and my cup of coffee, and I hear this squeaking noise in the sky, above the woods behind my house, but to the left. It�s what I thought it was, �Death Bats�. I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�. Now that�s a fucking sentence right there. It�s so not like this: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. Check it out: I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�. Not like this: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. This is a fine example of a bad sentence. The one I just wrote, about the �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord� and the fine use of the word �scurry�, made famous most recently by my friend JDG, that was a sentence right out of a horror movie, which is the genre I am most familiar with, as there have been times in my life where I have actually seen �Death Bats�, but tonight was different, it was an awesome experience of the most negative kind though, hence me writing a sentence like this: I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�. That was such a miraculous recovery from my sentence earlier in the night that read: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. So I�m scurrying into the house and I keep getting the image of this �Death Bat�, just one of them, obviously pissed off and blood thirsty, coming down on my neck. SWEEPING DOWN! DOWN, ON MY NECK FOR BLOOD! As I�m now sprinting in my house to avoid this impending doom, I look to my left and I see that the woman from the cover of the first Black Sabbath album is now in my back yard again. Thankfully, it�s not the guy from the Paranoid album cover, as if I was ever walking down the road at night, and that guy jumped out from behind a tree with that helmet, and cape and sword, and left trails I would shit myself�or think someone fed me mushrooms somehow. Either way, I�m sure if he did jump out at me, I would have a similar situation to this: I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�. The �Death Bats� would obviously be replaced by the guy from the cover of Black Sabbath�s Paranoid album. You would have to pay me a pretty penny to spar with that dude. So it�s just the old woman from the cover of the first Black Sabbath album so I wasn�t that scared, as much as she is the scariest women that has ever existed next to Ruth Buzzi, she�s actually quite striking as well in a �I�m gonna cast a spell on you and enslave you into the armies of the devils of Azmahazamakhoth� kind of way. She�s probably a cool woman I bet, likes smart guys a whole lot, not guys that would write this: I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. She would be taken aback at a romantically gothic sentence such as this: : I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�. I can see her personal ad right now: �SWF from the cover of the first Black Sabbath album looking for guy who dresses in all black and likes to stand in the woods, or in front of scary looking barn looking buildings on lakes of death, for romantic sessions of standing in the woods looking at people, and standing in front of scary looking barn looking buildings on lakes of death. Must have college degree, and wouldn�t be caught dead writing something like this: : I couldn�t reintroduce myself to the handwriting experience as easy as I thought I could I guess, so I stuck with the 24 hour Kinko�s when I needed to write all of a sudden and I was in Knoxville, Tennessee in the middle of the night. Must be gothically romantic and write cool, dark, complex sentences like: I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�. � So there she is, I have the key ready to go into the keyhole, and the �Death Bat� is ready to just come down and drink my blood from my neck (remember where we were: I immediately filled with horror as I scurried into my house, imagining the �Death Bats� sweeping down upon my virgin white neck, to drink my blood so they can transform into one giant �Ultra Death Bat Warrior Lord�), and the key is upside down! Now I�m that person in the movie with the fumbling keys! Fuck, the guitar and messenger pack, messenger bag, is flying all over the place, and I almost spill the coffee all over the goddamned place, and finally the key goes in, and I�m home.

before & after