here's what I got:

Ritual # 60

Take a dozen pieces of bacon and cover your dogs head with them.Take out

the bible and begin reading to the dog.Mix some LSD in with some

milk(which causes cancer, so be careful) and feed it to the mailman.Tell

him you're waiting for a letter from another "bacon covered dog".

Ritual # 68

Gently massage the back of your neck until you are completely

relaxed.Call your parents, tell them you have no clothes on, and you are

now going to vote Republican.If they hang up on you go into the phone

book and call everyone from: Larry Jacobsen to Joseph Miller and tell

them you want to have sex with their dog.If they don't have a dog, tell

them you will provide the dog, and to stop being so negative.

Ritual # 7

Cut all of your hair off, cut it into small little pieces.Make little

piles of hair about 1 inch in diameter about a half inch high.Use ALL of

your hair.For you longhairs out there you'll probably have about 75

piles or so.

Fill a bong with Strawberry milk and baby shampoo (Johnson & Johnson

preferably).Take the first pile of hair and pack the bong with it. Smoke

the first pile of hair, now the next pile, the next, keep going, slowly you

will start to feel......

Take out a saw. Cut off one of your fingers. This finger will be the

"Devil Finger�. Any finger you feel like. Put the finger where the sun

don't shine.....under the table sicko....Continue smoking the hair

piles. When you are done smoking the hair piles. Drink the bong

"Strawberry-milk-and-Baby-shampoo" water.

You have now made the transition into Wilferd Brimley. Get up, you now

feel like being a sex machine.Get on the good foot.

Take the finger and throw it into the air, it will levitate above you

for about 30 seconds, you will now turn into an anteater. Eat the finger

with your anteater muzzle thingy.

Go to your bathroom and stay there.

Don't tell anyone.

Ritual # 74

Do get the most out of your ritual you will need the following items

that you should have around the house:

1) bottle of ammonia

2) dog(male preferably)

3) steel wool

4) a green dress

5) videotape of Oprah Winfrey

Begin the event by putting the Oprah video tape in the player(oh

yeah, you need a vcr as well)....The next part is tricky, with another

member of your family you must start chanting lyrics to every Frank Zappa song in existence in unison(rehearsal is the key here).Slowly the

dog will become hypnotized. Take out the steel wool and press the FF

button on the vcr(with the steel wool),this should put the dog

completely to sleep. Thus making the next step easy. Begin vigorously

scrubbing the muzzle of said dog until it is red and raw. If all runs

smoothly you should be belting out "Penguin in Bondage" by

now.Put the green dress on the dog.The dog should awaken and begin

flying around the room speaking fluent French.This is where the ammonia

comes into play.Ammonia is very dangerous and should be used with

extreme caution at all times.But if you are gliding through these steps,

caution shouldn't even be an option.Soak all of your clothes in ammonia,

drink the remaining droplets for added "fuel".

A man resembling a cross between Oprah Winfrey and a young Harvey

Keitel should appear in the middle of the room. He will start eating the

dog.it is best to sit back and watch this(still singing those Frank Zappa songs of course),as soon you will be transformed into Wilferd Brimley ladies and gentlemen!!

Ritual # 91

Shut all the lights in any empty room in your house. Equip you and all

your friends with ball peen hammers. Begin swinging them violently

around not caring what or who you hit

************* Clams Casino vs. Aretha Franklin

I had a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant the other night for the

appetizer we had a little guy we like to call Clams Casino, or stuffed-

clamshells-stuffed-with -somethin'. In between rounds of keno i consumed

about 4 of these bad boys much to my delight. Aretha Franklin was once

quoted as saying something like this: "Before I go on stage I inhale

about a dozen of those fuckin things, and wash em down with an ice cold

glass of Listerine"

Crack Cocaine vs. Grimace

Big fuckin purple punk ass bitch

Who's got a light?

Fuck You vs. Jon Entwistle

Fuck You speaks volumes, and volumes of power that you can't even fathom

holmes...But so does'nt the water bottle on the mike stand

-the ox please

End Tables vs. Tables of Contents

The last time i redecorated my house, i called my flamboyant friend, who

we'll call Rob for legal reasons.He came over shortly thereafter and

introduced me to a world I was pretty ignorant to before:The World of

Endtables!!When he arrived furniture was everywhere.We grabbed a copy of

Cosmopolitan because I had remembered there was an article on

redecorating in it.Instead of skimming through article after article on

how wonderful womens orgasms were, I decided to get down to business and

locate the table of contents,only thing is, we couldn't find the fucking

thing!!As we all know, in fashion magazines they put the table of

contents on like page 75 or so, and when you find it, it's about 3 pages

long.Fashion magazines have definitely cornered the market on the art of

the table of contents.A far cry from say a newspaper, where you just get

a general

idea:Horoscope....sports...crossword....weather...personals...etc. This

one gave you the lowdown on what lied ahead. And to me and my showtune

loving pal, it meant re-fucking-decoration. We finally located the

article on like page 2319 or something(it should also be noted that

these magazines usually consist of 85% ads of naked women who look like

they've probably never considered the concept of "nutrition"{see Kate

Moss...}, and the rest is articles on how to tell if your husband is

having a homosexual affair with his coworker)and made our decision, the

end table would be placed at the end of the bed, completely utilizing the

whole reason end tables exist. Since that day I've never moved, it and

I've since stopped buying those magazines, because of the

cologne/perfume ads.

Rhode Island vs. Star Wars

Rhode Island is near me kind of. Rhode Island makes Delaware look like

Texas. What does RI have besides Providence? Newport? Nothing.You could

pick the whole state up and throw it into the ocean if you wanted it's

so little.

George Lucas is a money hungry poor excuse for a film director. I

think I'll pick up Rhode Island and throw it at Luke Skywalker and that

dumb fuckin wookie thingy.

Nine Inch Nails vs. James Spader

Probably the best actor to ever come out of American film:James

Spader,let's look at the stats:Less Than Zero(asshole cokehead),Pretty

in Pink(asshole)Sex Lies &Videotape(asshole who beats off watching

videos of women talking about sex),Crash(asshole who get's "aroused"at

car crashes),Dream Lover(don't remember what it was about, but he has

sex with Madchen Amik,who was the waitress Shelly in Twin Peaks,ooohhh

I'm jealous,pretty sure he was an asshole in this)..

Trent Reznor, as cool and "hip" and gen-X as he may be does'nt hold a

candle to the Spadester

Diane Keaton�s pussy vs. the first time I ever make it to Texas

I can imagine how amazingly awesome the heat will feel on my face, similar to how Annie Hall�s pussy must have felt the first time Alvy Singer put his little cock into it. Barbecue sauce can be a week point for me!

My obsession with the letter �W� vs. Richard Gere

When you get to the top of the fire escape and you call out to Julia Roberts tell her �this is brought to you by the letter �w��

before & after