I fucking love the Comet Cursor thing. I had to put the goddamned thing back on my computer as anytime you go to some website by that dude named mushedhead at diaryland it asks you 28 times if you want to load the comet cursor this onto your computer. Anyway, I got in from a long ass day tonight and my eyes are heavy like the first Blue Cheer record, BUT I was able to get myself a new cursor for the computer. I got myself an Al Shrapron cursor on my computer here at the motherfucking home. Now I can see the little old head of Sir Shrapton whenever I turn this thing on. You can�t do that. You know why you can�t do that? Because you are an asshole.

Know what else you can�t do? You can�t cook Chinese food. So on the way home from work on Friday night, I needed an idea for some motherfucking food. I decided to get some Chinese shit ready for dinner. I went into the supermarket, and started looking around the joint. I could make some fajitas�.no, you have to use too many plates. I could make some steak tips and potatoes. Oh yeah, I�m not Irish. I could make some ziti. Oh yeah, I�m the Italian guy that is 99% Italian, yet hates Italian food, and furthermore, those motherfucking tomatoes. So I wander down the �ethnic foods� section of the grocery store. That�s when I stumble across the Chinese section and see the answer to my confusion. I decide I need to cook some Kung Pau Chicken and Curry Rice. So guess what a motherfucker did? A motherfucker bought the shit and got ready to bring it home. All of a sudden, I ran into this dude I was good friends with in junior high and high school. I even dated his sister for a little while. The last I had heard, he was into drugs and alcohol pretty heavily. It looked like he still was. He reeked of alcohol horribly, and talked to me for a good 15 minutes or so, before I exchanged numbers with him, and ran away. I feel sort of bad for him, as he was a real nice kid who seemed like he would go far when he was younger, unfortunately, he is now hanging out and smoking crack and getting shit faced. I wish I could do that. Fuck man! He told me him and his friends were having a huge keg party and I should come, they have it in the backyard with hay, and a barbecue pit, and a camper parked on the street that people also party in. I was not gonna have that shit though. He was a nice motherfucker and all, but my days of backyard keg parties ended when I graduated high school I think. I ditched Robert Downey Jr., and made my way back to this motherfucking joint to get my cook on. I got some chicken, some water chestnuts, celery, green peppers, and peanuts,(no green onions available, unfortunately) and got the shit going. I never attempted to cook any Chinese food, but I�m ready to start cooking some more advanced Chinese shit. Imagine how you would feel if you came over here and I cooked some crazy motherfucking Chinese dishes to your punk ass. So the shit was done, and I have to tell you, the shit was damn tasty. Aside from the peanuts in there, that tasted like they had been in my closet since the last My Bloody Valentine record was released. So now, I move on to the world of Chinese Food. Imagine the possibilities! Imagine me kicking you in the fucking teeth you asshole!

So I spent a lot of time with some black people over the weekend. Well, not really, but sort of. Wait, it was one black guy, and one Chinese guy. So Saturday morning I�m at the CD shop working as usual, and in comes this short black guy reeking of cologne like it smells of burning dead bodies of women children and men in Kabul right now. He says �WHERE�S THE CLASSIC ROCK?!?!?!?!� I tell him it�s all mixed in. A few minutes later he starts yelling how excited he is that we had this Frank Marino and Mahogany Rush CD. He then started yelling about heavy metal and rock and roll and electric guitars and Thin Lizzy and a bunch of other rock and roll shit. What a trip.

So that night, I had to go to this family function. Now normally, I could give two shits about a get together of any sorts, family, friends. The way my head works, I can�t look at that many faces at once, I get confused, and feel like vomiting. So we go to this thing at this Chinese motherfucking restaurant. I didn�t tell any of the motherfuckers that I was on to their trip and realized how easily a man can walk into the world of Chinese cuisine and come out swinging. No, I didn�t tell the motherfuckers this, as the food was good. So after a little while this Chinese dude in white pants, a red tight t-shirt, white shoes, and white sport coat and a pony tail comes out. Someone at our table says something about Don Ho, I�m thinking along the lines of fucking Don Johnson though. This dude can sing a fucking Elvis Presley song though! I was going to go up and bust out some Nat King Cole type shit on people, but I figured I�d save it for later. The host was great though, he was going absofuckinglutely nuts. Imagine if I went abosfuckinglutely nuts. Imagine if you went absofuckinglutely nuts because I cut off your oxygen supply and then force fed you bran flakes. Imagine that you fucking goddamned asshole.

I like when water is all over the sink, around the whole sink area on the outside is water. That means that someone was just getting some shit cleaned up like good and shit. I like it when people clean up some good hands or dishes and shit with a sink. That�s what it means to have all that water there like that.

So I realized I fucked something up last week when I made my list of top twelve worst people ever. That morning I came up with that idea when I was in the shower. I always get myself pretty pissed off in the shower for some reason. So I�m in the shower last week, half asleep as usual, and thinking �why the fuck would a motherfucker want a ferret for a pet?� So I thought to myself �people who have ferrets as pets are not a good kind of people, they need to be put on a list of people that aren�t good people, because nobody really makes lists of people who are bad, it�s always good people like Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Meg Ryan, etc I need to make a good one of people that aren�t good. I�m not going to be obvious and say people that are not good people are Nazis, Child molesters, Tori Amos fans, etc, we know they are all bad people, that�s obvious, let�s make one of people who people normally wouldn�t think of, so I should point it out to them so they will learn a lesson� So I made the fucking list and put it on here. I came up with a few more though to add to the list of people who are not good kinds of people:

1) People who own ferrets � ferrets smell like piss and don�t do anything exciting, if you want something that smells like piss and doesn�t do anything exciting, take care of an elderly person perhaps, at least they can tell you stories about Bing Crosby, or the time they paid a nickel for a gallon of milk.

2) People who stand �in my fucking space� at gigs, etc. � I hate people that touch me in public. As a matter of fact, I hate when people touch me anywhere.

3) People who think Soprano Saxophones are Clarinets � These people stink, and Jesus hates them and wants them to burn in hell for eternity, he told me this.

4) People who listen to Christopher Cross � There are two people in my life that have recently expressed an interest in this zit on the face of shitty pop music from the late seventies/early eighties. As if everything between 1970 and 2001 recorded by white people didn�t suck enough, they had to put this guy in a recording studio. I will never do any favors for the two friends who talked about him in a positive manner, but I will keep Shawn Ross and Breaux Silcio anonymous, oh wait, I forgot to.

5) People who exist � I think people that just plain exist are not good people.

6) People who don�t like the song �For Goodness Sakes, Look at those Cakes� by James Brown � This is the best song about admiring an ass ever written, if you don�t like it and you are a male, you most likely own at least a dozen Tori Amos CD�s and wear makeup.

Dude, you are fucked up like fuck. Fucked up bad. I bet you a million dollars you could not guess my age. 8 million.

7 million 21 thousand

I fucked your.

I fucked.

Fuck.

before & after