So I�m sitting in the men�s room at work with the latest issue of Barely Legal on the floor in front of me. Oh wait, I�m supposed to write that story in my �private� journal.

I just got in from playing billiards with Angela and Dan. I lost each game of pool pretty much. I did prove my theory that I�ve always had though, if a guy is good at pool, it�s a good guess he�s probably had sex with another man. The weekend was good, we went to a couple of different states, and didn�t get involved in anything laborious�.unless you count what went down in my kitchen earlier tonight. I made another successful dinner, that I will be enjoying at work tomorrow as well. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for some motherfucking potato chips I made. How many motherfuckers do you know that are busting out potato chips? Exactly. None. They went well with the chicken (a Cajun/garlic type dish), and rice (�broccoli flavored�) though. The potato chips won�t make it to the encore performance of the meal at work tomorrow though as 1) any smart mother fucker ain�t gonna get a good potato chip out of a motherfucking microwave oven, 2) I ate all the motherfuckers anyway fool! This was a major step in my culinary life though, as potatoes have been rather elusive in my tenure as a cook/chef/�food wizard�. With a successful meal, comes good dessert, in this case a nice mother fucking cigarette for dessert.

So I want to talk cover songs, as there have been a good amount of shitty ones in my motherfucking lifetime. So without further ado, here are the worst cover songs ever performed by a motherfucker:

1) Mike Ness � Don�t Think Twice, It�s Alright (original artist: Bob Dylan). Okay, first off, this guy should have just given up after the Social Distortion Mommy�s Little Monster record, as since then, he has aped Johhny Cash for far too longer than anyone should need to (not that I should care, as Johnny is way down in my top list of country/bluegrass artists anyway which are: 1. George Jones, 2. Hank Williams, 3. Marty Robbins, 4. Bob Wills, 5. Bill Monroe. Sorry, but Johnny isn�t that great of a country artist in my humble opinion, for some reason people think it�s rather cool to like him. It probably has to do with said people being way into show tunes, and watching soap operas as well), and secondly, you don�t cover a Bob Dylan song as a general rule. You don�t take a song that is an acoustic song, and make it a shitty three chord rock song. You leave it alone, or you get hit in the face with a sock full of rusty nickels. Ness goes on to ruin a Hank Williams song later on this solo record as well.

2) Fiona Apple � Across the Universe (original artist the Beatles) So I�ve actually never heard this version before, but it�s pretty evident that it probably sucks, as this girl couldn�t sing a good note if you held a 62 inch poisonous snake named �Rod� up to her neck while holding both of her feet together with a vice (that�s it, from here on out, anyone who covers a Beatles song, should have both of their feet broken).

3) Lenny Kravitz � American Woman (original artist- The Guess Who) This song was a useless piece of rock history, so why make people have to hear it again? Fuck you Lenny, you get a 87 inch poisonous snake held up to your neck, while we burn your kneecaps with a hot iron rod.

4) Knockin� on Heavens Door (original artist- fuck you if you don�t know) by anyone There�s no need to cover this anyone. Please, if you have ever been at a show when this song was played, and took part in any kind of sing along, or holding up of lighters (holding up a lighter should only take place between the final song of the Kiss show, and the encore, any other violation of this rule is punishable by holding up a something long poisonous snake with a cigarette lighter in its mouth to your private parts), or even mouthed the words to, you should immediately be thrown in a vat of poisonous snakes.

5) Catherine Wheel � Wish You Were Here (original artist: Pink Floyd) Okay, let�s take possibly the worst Pink Floyd song this side of �Not now Johnny� and cover it. This goes in the category of �unnecessary cover songs�.

6) Phish � Sabotage (original artist- Beastie Boys) We all know I love this band, and have traveled as far as Europe, and Japan to see them before, but this was a zit on an already mediocre year of Phish shows in 1998. Okay when I started walking out of the Merriweather show on 8/8/98 (hmmm, that�s a peculiar date) to get to my car which was parked about two miles away in a mall parking lot, I heard the boys bust this out, and I had to run back and see what the hell was going on. Anyway, it was cool, but it was also a tad embarrassing.

7) Cake � I will Survive (original artist Gloria Gaynor maybe?) So who are the people that like the band Cake? Raise your hands. Oh shit, look I can see the horizon over there, do you know why? Because no motherfuckers are raising their hands, that�s why I can see the horizon over there.

8) No Doubt � Sailin� On (original artist: Bad Brains) So I enjoy Gwen Stefani jumping around in that Don�t Speak video as much as the next guy, but when I heard this song I almost bought a ticket to Orange County and flew out there and held a very, very long poisonous snake with a good amount of deadly fucking poison inside of it to Gwen�s little throat, but then I saw that Don�t Speak video and got upset, and put the very, very long poisonous snake with a good amount of deadly fucking poison inside of it back in the cage and stayed home for the night.

9) Black Sabbath � Johnny B. Goode ( original artist: Chuck Berry) The band was doing this live on the Never Say Die tour. Quite possibly the worst decision made in the history of Sabbath Mach 1, with letting Bill Ward sing a song on the poorly received Technical Ecstasy album coming in at a close second.

10) Paul Stanley � Jumping Jack Flash (original artist Rolling Stones) I saw this on a live bootleg video of a live Paul Stanley solo show from like 1996 in a club. Paul, I love you, but sometimes I hate you. Now get back to singing Flaming Youth, and the classics we want to hear you sing.

There are some kick ass cover songs out there, to name a few of my faves: Braid doing Always Something There To Remind Me, This Charming Man, and There is a Light That Never Goes Out, ummm Built To Spills Cortez the Killer is great, Sebadoh doing Everybody�s Been Burned is good, Cave In doing I Luv I Jah as well as Disintegration is good as well. Okay enough talk about music, I have some serious issues to talk about.

Motherfuck a Motherfucker who throws drinks at peoples cars. We came out of the pool hall and there�s fucking coca cola or pepsi, or diet coke, or dr. pepper, or root beer or some motherfucking brown soft drink all over my car. What kind of a mother fucker would do this? Probably the kind of motherfucker that would wear lipstick, and a dress. That�s what kind of mother fucker would do that to a mother fuckers car. Thankfully, I work like a snake, and I always have some sort of a back up plan. I went straight to the mother fucking car wash. You know why I went straight to the motherfucking car wash? Because I had a back up plan like a snake, and plus, I was gonna get the mother fucker washed this week anyway, the dust from under your mommas armpits was all over my car.

Motherfuck a Motherfucker that don�t listen to my demo. That�s right, now I�m bringing the message wordwide. I finished my demo this weekend. I made this CD of some drumbeats and samples and loops and shit. I�ve been working in secret with this shit for a little bit, now I�m ready to give it to the people. Only thing is, are the people ready for the motherfucking demo? I highly doubt it, seeing as most dudes these days are busy spending time playing with Barbie dolls and knitting motherfucking sweaters. For all you other mother fuckers that want to hear the demo, drop me an e-mail, or leave a message in the guestbook, and I will get the demo out to you. The demo will come to you, you will listen to it, and most likely, enjoy it. When you are done with that demo, I will already have at least 5 more ready for you. Imagine what that would be like. You would have so many fucking demos you would be called �A motherfucker holding on to a shitload of motherfucking demos�. You would be a tall mother fucker. The motherfucker is already working on the next demo if you needed to know.

Motherfuck a Motherfucker that don�t like Bootsy Collins.

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When I tried to move my hands I couldn�t. When I tried to lift my head I couldn�t. I wasn�t tied down. Figuratively, I guess you could say I was. When I got to the room, it was bare and empty as usual. I enjoyed these little rooms. There was room all over the walls for my clippings. There was a lot of wood on the floor. The floor was made of wood, so obviously, there was a good amount of wood within my eyesight. I worked off of the floor with different index cards. I had things written on the index cards. Directions, recipes, live concert set lists, different meals I�d eaten on the road, ex-girlfriends, cars I�d owned. My whole life, a series of index cards. I moved from city to city, and rented these cheap rooms and would stay up for three or four days sorting them out on the wood floor. Days of coffee and cookies, cigarettes and bourbon. Long nights of alphabetizing, putting in chronological order. There were all different patterns I could follow. �Let�s put 1992 in order tonight� �Do I put my Ford Tempo before Jennifer Daynes from Cleveland?� I got into a rigorous schedule with the cards after a month. Nobody knew where I was. �Just sorting my life out� I would tell them. Literally, with index cards. My Obsessions had ballooned to this. Becoming some sort of freak trying to find himself in a foreign town somewhere. This particular night I could not hold on though. I lost it and the sounds of Charlie Mingus filled the room on repeat for a whole evening. I was done. My life could not get sorted out in Memphis. Here I sat, the ceiling looked wonderful as I rolled over finally and looked at the alarm clock. It was time to move along.

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before & after