Oh Joy!
2001-08-31 || how your momma got her groove back
Soundtrack � funkadelic � hardcore jollies

Last day of the month and a mother fucker has a stuffed nose. Fuck this stuffed nose, I�m about to empty the shit on my desk and tell the crew to �clean that shit up, the headmasters going home to smoke a bong filled with crystal meth and ammonia�. This day is always hell in this place. Yesterday they laid off some mother fuckers in here! No one in my department, thank sweet fucking jesus for that. Then to make matters even better, I had my first situation where I had to discipline someone in here. That shit sucks. Getting all official in meetings and union stewards representing. Just a year ago, I was on the other side representing union folks here, now that I�m in management, I unfortunately have to do shit like discipline mother fuckers and shit. Oh well, you step to a mother fucker, you get whacked, simple as that.

So last night we went to see the group again, and it was pretty crazy as usual. Shawn showed up a little bit into it to standing room only in there. The dude didn�t use his cell phone once in there! That mother fucker is the David Geffen of my circle of friends, always on the cell phone talking to some teenage girl, or hip-hop artist he�s trying to sign to his record label �El Scientisto Records�. It was a little crowded in there with what looked like a �college crowd� Now I�m not one to judge people, but fuck a motherfucking college student. The worst is they stand up in my grill the whole time, or on my toes. I hate having a motherfucker standing on top of me holding a Heineken bottle and talking while the band is playing something quiet. I hate people talking during the music. So last night this mother fucker was gabbing away about U-Mass and this chick sucking dick, and that dude with the yacht and shit, and the squirrel faced bitch is right in my face with this shit. I can smell the Heineken every time he says �dude�. So I bend down to �tie my shoe� at one point, and pull out this pair of wire cutters I carry around with me, and I snipped the dudes achilles tendon! Mother fucker fell right over and didn�t say one more fucking thing about U-Mass, or the chick sucking dick, or the dude with the yacht. Just then, the music got a lot louder, and mother fucker got to feel what it feels like to be a person on a stretcher. I hope he enjoyed the feeling of being on a stretcher. I enjoyed the rest of the show, shaking hands, listening to nice music, and feeling the nice Oxycontin buzz I was feeling all night.

So I want to talk about an art form I�ve been perfecting for years now. The art of cooking. Not many motherfuckers know this, but a mother fucker can cook. I�m not talking toast which every mother fucker can cook (although toast, and it�s cousins the bagel, the english muffin, etc are integral parts to any good breakfast). Today I woke up a little late, I had to be in work at 10, but since I have sex with women 100% of the time as opposed to men, I called in and said I would be in around 11. I threw on some HBO and my favorite mother fucker Michael Douglas was on the screen in a good movie Wall Street, a good precursor to The Boiler Room, which was another good ass movie. So I finally decided to do something unheard of for a weekday, I made an omelet. Mother fucker can I make a good ass omelet. Ask your momma, I made her one last Sunday morning. I usually reserve these mother fuckers for the weekend, as that�s the only time I�m home in the morning. The mother fucker always comes out like a perfect half circle. Today I just had some eggs though. I�ve been known to get all crazy on breakfast and throw some bacon or ham or peppers or onions in the mother fucker though. One time, I made an omelet with cheese, and a bunch of crushed up ephedrine! That shit woke me up like a mother fucker. I tell you, this morning for maybe a minute I said to myself as I took a pull off of delicious (no pulp) orange juice, �Mother fucker, you need to switch careers and become a chef� Then I remembered I hate mother fuckers, so I said �Ya know what mother fucker, you need to just keep this cooking shit to yourself, and the few lucky mother fuckers that cross your path in the future that will have the honor of eating some shit you cook up. Don�t even get a mother fucker started up on dinner items. I�ll throw some Mexican styles at your face, and then you won�t know what to do. Do you honestly think you would know what to do if you came by my place one night and I threw some crazy Mexican styles at you? No shit you wouldn�t know what to do. You are a taco bell eating fool, that�s why. Drop the Chalupa, and step into my kitchen, you won�t be bitchin. Mother fucker.

So now I have mother fuckers signing my guestbook telling me this shit is funny, and that shit is funny. What kind of shit is that? Mother fucker ain�t trying to be funny. I�m a mother fucker. You are too. We are all mother fuckers in here, you just happen to be a few rungs lower than this mother fucker, so every thing is funny to you. I can�t wait to see how funny these mother fuckers in the guestbook think it is when I hit them in the face with a frying pan full of spicy skinless chicken breast. Then do you think that the mother fuckers that sign the guestbook thinking every thing in the world is funny will think it�s funny? I tend to doubt it. I tend to think when I use this thing I have where I can actually go into this virtual world and wait inside the guestbook for a mother fucker to patronize a mother fucker. Me, I�ll be waiting in the guestbook with a skillet full of spicy skinless chicken breast, and maybe a saucer full of milk for you when you fall to the floor like a pussy! Now that shit will be funny! Not mother fuckers just writing shit up in here. This ain�t funny.

Top 5 funniest people in the world:

1) Richard Pryor � That mother is fucking crazy. He has a record called �That N*****�s crazy�. Now that is a funny ass record to listen to. Where the fuck would an Eddie Murphy mother fucker be if it wasn�t for Richard? That�s right, being a non heterosexual hanging with mother fucking transvestites on Zuma Beach in the middle of the night.

2) Woody Allen � Not many people like that mother fucker, they say he�s �too whiney�, or �too smart�. Fuck you, he�s funny.

3) Robert Schimmel � Okay, he�s a fucking pig, but the mother fucker is funny

4) Judge Reinhold

5) James Spader

I didn�t feel like doing a list anymore so I put those two mother fuckers on there, do you have a problem with that? We could solve that problem easy. We could solve it by you finding out what the bottom of my boot looks like.

So I go to these gigs and drink fucking soda. In a few weeks, I will have gone exactly a year with not a drop of alcohol in my blood. Mother fucker won�t even eat food that has wine in it, as I don�t want a drop of that shit inside me. Last night I seriously heard some mother fucker say �So if a guy is playing with my balls�.� And then I missed the rest of it. I look over there�s some freak with those earrings that make your earlobes all big and shit, and he�s got this fucking non heterosexual hair cut, and he is looking over at me. I was going to throw a cup of scalding hot iced tea at him, but I didn�t have any, just a glass of soda (I know I said �scalding hot iced tea�, I know it doesn�t make sense, but you know what, you don�t make any sense, just think about the last person you had sex with, yeah who�s making sense now?) But these people who drink the alcohol, what is their deal, The shit tastes like racoon urine. I remember going out one night and making believe I was drinking, I would switch drinks, dump drinks out on the floor when no mother fucker was looking, Then, at the end of the night, I ended up stealing about a dozen wallets, and coming home with about 700 bucks, 2 Discover cards, 10 Blockbuster video cards (which I have used each and every in different stores, renting �Stella Got Her Groove back�, and then calling the video store, using the persons name on the card, and saying �Hey, I just watched this shit, and it don�t really tell me how Stella gets her groove back, I ain�t returning the video. Fuck you!�), and 2 Structure cards. Mother fucker what should I do with a Structure card? Charge a bunch of shit and return it for cash? You bet that�s exactly what I did. I ain�t about people who drink, I think the mother fuckers should all get on one island drink a bunch of Jack Daniels, and get chased around by poisonous snakes and lions and mother fuckers with cloths on. Do you think the mother fuckers would feel cool then? How do you think a mother fucker would feel to get chased by a poisonous snake? Mother fucker would be really happy they drank some Jack Daniels at that point in their life. The weak, pathetic mother fucker would be bit by the mother fucking poisonous snake because they thought it would be a good idea to take a drink of Jack Daniels. Now the fool is on the ground with a snake bite, and me laughing and pointing at him. �Another drunk mother fucker� I think pretty soon, I am going to start going in to bars again, so I can start stealing shit from drunk people. I know most people who drink once they lose their wallet like the THIRD time, then they decide to stop drinking, so maybe I�ll be doing good, and I can get some money out of it, and rent some movies with fine African-American females in it. Because you decided to drink some Jack Daniels one night, I�m at home rubbing one out while watching a Janet Jackson live video. Imagine how you would feel then.

before & after