It�s funny how the older you get the more serious you get. Well, it�s not really funny, but�I think ten years ago I would have made some jokes about the shooting here in Massachusetts this week. Anyway, I drive through Wakefield everyday on my way to, and from work. Today I was thinking what it would be like to drive to work for the last time not knowing it. I guess it wouldn�t seem like anything. What�s it like to just get cut down like that at work. Dead at your desk. One minute you�re on the phone, the next minute you�re cowering under your desk because a man is shooting at you. A mere desk is not going to help you, but it will give you an extra three seconds to live perhaps. Were some of the women e-mailing to friends about �that outfit I got for Christmas I have to return�? On the other end, the friend or relative thought they were ignoring them. Probably got pissed for a minute. �Fuck, she never writes back until the next day� Not knowing that she won�t be returning any outfit from Christmas weekend. Going from Christmas weekend, to a funeral a week later. That�s tough stuff right there. I can�t make immature jokes and comments about these things now. I work in an office, and not that I�m trying to relate to this at all. But I can�t even begin to imagine what that experience would be like. Or being a teenager and witnessing the shooting at that school in Colorado. I�ve seen some amazing things in my short time on earth so far. Good amazing things, and bad amazing things. But I have nothing on the co-worker who has to walk by their dead coworkers as they are escorted out of a building, only to be greeted by a parade of blue and red lights, and flashlights, and EMT�s and camera�s. What an awful thing �sudden death� is. Everyone secretly hopes that people will just fade away, deteriorate some day, slowly. Everyone will know it�s coming. But I haven�t experienced enough tragedy to know what it�s like to have your wife who just had a baby murdered because she went to work and make money. Here�s to hoping 2001 my friends and family will continue to slowly fade along with me�

Out of 52 weeks in a year, I realized only one week of this year I have been happy. This last week of the year 2000. As of December 24th of this year, I�m in a completely different mind set than I was 8 months ago, four months ago, a month ago, two weeks ago. It�s funny how things work out like that for me. It�s always happened in December, every single good relationship I�ve ever had with someone �started� in December. Perhaps this is a good thing. Winter is horrible like I know it. I hated winter the last three years. Occasional close friends. Occasional kissing. The usual shit to fill free time. Fucking good looking girls, and never calling them back. Messing with self-esteem issues. I look forward to a warm winter. Someone has the right idea.

The band is recording. Scanzilla, and Breaux27 also of this place are also in the band. Anyway, today I booked some studio time on February 3rd for us to cut a demo CD. We are going to go back to this guy in New Hampshire I�ve recorded with before. It�s near a farm, in a basement. Real cozy. Anyway, we are all pretty excited about this next step forward in this project that has been going on since May of 1999.

Okay I just drank coffee the wrong way, and coughed, and coffee came out of my nose, so this is my cue to go to sleep�.Happy New Year perhaps�

before & after