So I wake up because I�m tossing and turning in the bed because you know I have some issues with some issues I have how funny is that I keep myself up late at night like this so I have been reading this book it�s just a non fiction book about ummmm people I guess don�t really need to go into detail but it says a good thing to do is to wake yourself up in the middle of sleep and then write you have the most creativity and your thoughts are actually the most crystal clear they can be so you know I toss and turn in bed keeping myself awake because I have some issues with some issues I have and I wake up and hey here I am again shit what did I write in here earlier ha I make myself laugh so not to mention the fact that there was a guy standing at the foot of my bed while sleeping you see when this guy gets in those mean Ihateeverybody moods he needs to throw satchmo on the stereo to sing me to sleep because I have some issues with some issues I have and he helps me out he makes it all better see look at me now cool as a cucumber I stay up late and then get up early and turn into the doctor so not to mention that I wake up and there are snakes all over the floor of my room probably from the guy that was standing there watching me sleep it�s cool though satchmo is so much more powerful than the evil doctor that comes into my room and puts snakes on the floor and makes me itch like I do I have itches all over my body all weekend he put fleas in my bed that cocksucker put fleas in my bed bedbugs is the more polite thing to call them I guess flea is a mean thing to say it�s like saying bitch or cocksucker or motherfucker or communist so yeah it�s funny because I don�t fucking dream anymore how fucked up is that that�s not fair perhaps beaucse I watch so many movies that I don�t need to dream who cares anyway dreams mean nothing but a bunch of random images that are useless in the long run like the issues I have with some of these issues I have right now imagine me as fireman coming out of the building like superman or yeah forget that imagine me as superhero here to save the world from mean evil people like myself when I have those issues that I have imagine me like totally top ten style with gold rings on my fingers and a handful of cash a beautiful woman on each arm that has never learned how to use a cash register or how to make a good cup of coffee models like cindy crawford and janet leigh models that pick me up in jaguars and drive me far and take me to exotic places where we can forget about how to make a good cup of coffee and forget about the issues I have with some of the issues I have imagine me like the big time and shit ya know like the big time no guys coming to visit me in the middle of the night that are part of that network of people who fuck with me I talked about them and people just laugh and point and make fun like the little boy who cried wolf or fire in a crowded theatre it�s a bit funny that anyone would think that I�m this big meany who hates and spits venom in real life never takes himself too seriously I mean takes himself too seriously I mean fuck I can spell I can�t form good sentences but fuck I can spell gosh darn it but fuck if anyone ever says that I am a big jerk and I shouldn�t say this and I shouldn�t say that about this person and that person than they don�t know me and they can go sit in a theatre with little boys who yell fire and throw wolves with rabies at girls with pony tails I once threw a jellyfish at a boy on the beach he cried and threw sand at me and my mother slapped me across the face and told me to apologize I never ended up becoming friends with him or even having a homosexual encounter I think the one thing they teach you is to never have a homosexual encounter with a boy who throws a jellyfish at your face I did all sorts of bad mean things like that when I was a little boy I threw a brick at my brothers friend because he said I sucked at football I showed him how roger staubachish I really was with my dallas cowboy cheerleader looking self and then a kid attacked me at age ten and I stabbed his hand with a rusty pipe this all happened when I was a little boy and then they put me on tests and I had to meet with specialists and take ridalin the same stuff that guys I know do with girls in cars and hide it by saying they are going to go listen to cd�s out in the car I know what they do in the car though lesbians with emotional problems do ridalin and then they fuck guys to get drugs and pictures in magazines so yeah they put me on this drug and made me talk to these specialist guys that would ask me questions like why and what the hell are you doing screaming and yelling and running around like you do you little brat I would do the same thing I do now hey yeah that�s it I carried one thing over from my childhood once someone puts me on the spot once someone starts asking why or tells me no I don�t say a word I keep it in that�s where I got that I never know what you�re thinking business from from me a little boy with emotional problems who never grew up because he just well he just never grew up he can�t talk still he still can never express himself ever he thinks he doesn�t need to tell girls reasons or tell girls anything he assumes they know what he wants they assume he is a jerk and a big dummy he listens that�s all he does some guy comes in and puts fucking snakes and fleas all over your floor and bed and we�ll see what you get out of it I bet a million dollars you would come on here and tell everything you would not stop at anything at one point in my life I had a cousin that made me suck his dick a bunch of times this alcoholic fuck made me suck his dick and I was a little kid imagine that he�s married and fixing toilets now and making his wife do the same thing I presume but that fuck look what he did to me well I guess that was one thing probably that and watching parents do hard drugs I guess that�s the road I traveled to get here you can read more of that story if you scroll back through my life in diaryland and read something along the lines of �I bet the earth is actually flat� that will tell you about kids getting touched by older kids that drink booze and piss me off later in life and make me not want to be touched and that kind of thing unless the love is there shit you need that love to get yourself in that kind of business you need that kind of love if you want to build a good relationship right now I have one thing to look forward to each day angela I like talking to her and even more I like to be with her when I can locate her I like being with her more than I like being with molly ringwald in 1985 or some year like that I want to buy her a special christmas gift and have her hug me and tell me everything is a-okay she makes me feel a bit normal more normal and that kind of stuff I don�t want to be mean to her ever and I never will so angela if you read this don�t yell at me I swear I won�t be mean to you like the boys in the schoolyard that time when they dragged my sorry little skinny ass to the principal to ask questions and see specialists so a few weeks ago I think or something about my health insurance oh yeah I was going to see what it costs to see a specialist as a big kid with old problems maybe I would tell him or her all of these things and look at photos of dogs and cats and smile and laugh and come back to diaryland and tell all of you about it and make fun stories out of the absurdity of it all as it stands now though I can�t take people chasing me into the house because they watch me from the woods I can�t take myself too seriously I have a good amount of time left when I think ahead of a no coffee no cigarettes and no sex with dirty hookers lifestyle and no drugs I can live clean you watch me I can live like the bathroom sink whith bright white and shiny like a new bathroom sink you know I can live like that like a guy that is clean like the bathtub in the convenience store outside of Knoxville Tennessee that I hid from a homeless man with an erect thumb for twenty-three minutes I can make things out of words that don�t need to hurt people or confuse people if I need to watch hello my name is christian I live in salem I work two jobs have a cat and enjoy good film fine food and louis armstrong once a week see I can do that right now though you get a wake up call and they tell you to work on some issues that you have with some issues I am going to delete my last month and a half of my life here don�t pay no mind of me please take my life please henny youngman what a riot so ella and louis are telling me to go to sleep but I have a plug sticking out of my head that tells me to keep going I want to say one more thing and then get my lazy ass to sleep for the next three hours before I wake up and lift weights do sit ups drink orange juice and go to work and that�s I love you I love every person I know I swear to fucking god picture me like on fire and shit like the king of the world ya know like picture me big time.

before & after