Okay, so yeah, I guess my mind is starting to wander a bit, as it does every time this time of �life� I guess I�ll call it. I guess I feel pretty happy one day, and then like shit the next, but what the hell, who the hell would want to always feel like Donny Osmond, or worse yet that Kurt Cobain fellow. This balance feels good to me right now. Not taking anything in I don�t need to take in. The ride by the ocean was pleasant this evening. I just feel trapped all the time. Trapped under a cabinet. So get this I said last night how I never dream, well last night I had a long vivid dream, and now come to think about it. I remember a few things though: trees, alligators, a big black Ford, my family, and other random things. I�m one of the people who does not believe in dreams having meaning, or even magic, ghosts, tarot cards, UFO�s, etc. I believe that we all see what we see, if there really was any of this other shit, we ALL would have heard about it, it wouldn�t be on television every night, and in the National Enquirer and that kind of thing. Ted Koppel has never reported that ghosts and demons were attacking a woman in the woods or anything like that. Anyway, so this dream woke me up this morning, and I ached all over, like I was there or something. It could just be that I started lifting weights again though. It could be the people in the backyard, now they are real. Fuck I just hate coming home at night. I hate being watched like this every night. I�ve now avoided my phone for a few days, as I think people I know may be a part of this whole network. No, not too many James Bond films, just a realization that I have a target on me. The phone is being shut off this week anyway, as I haven�t paid the bill, so I guess I won�t have to ignore it anymore really. This weekend looks like it may shape up to be another one sitting in the house pacing around my room looking at the wall, writing, and laying on the bed by myself. This time of year is good for this kind of behavior. I have no real reason to go out right now I guess. I was thinking of going to a bar this weekend actually. I sort of miss seeing people try to talk serious while drunk. I miss the cool taste of a conversation about comic books and boys with skateboards. Fuck I miss people getting on my nerves like that. I remember having to listen to this one guy all the time. For some reason my friends were into this frat boy guy that just had nothing to say at all. Same stupid observations that basically said �I learned everything I know from sitting in a dorm room smoking shitty pot, drinking shitty American beer, and listening to Janes Addiction� Anyway, he�s thankfully gone at this point, so I don�t need to here his voice ever again really. He tried to argue that Matchbox 20 was more important than Bruce Springsteen one night. Thankfully for him, I was not there. Not that I love the Boss as much as say, my friend Jeremy, but I am a fan nonetheless, and know why he�s important. It�s too bad, because I think he liked me. I think I�m numb to shit like that. Someone likes you on a certain level, and you just can�t help it but not like the person. Should you tell them and deal with some sort of situation, or just humor them for infinity? I�ll say the later.

I enjoyed Frank�s entry this evening.

I can�t lie anymore I have to stop the lies and the putting things in the back of my head I have to stop creating scenarios in my head that drive me crazy I�ve been driven crazy from time to time it�s a good feeling here and there I guess but for the most part I don�t want to go there I don�t want to come up with excuses why anymore I don�t want to celebrate I want to settle down and pet a dog with my left hand I just want what I should have what the hell have I done that is so bad not calling back the women not telling the truth to strangers like take last year I was a stranger for a few months I could have been a husband I could have been a serial killer you can be any of these things to strangers you know that you can cut it out you know deep in your head what you are doing so last summer of nineteenhundredandninetynine I made believe I was someone else than who I was I knew what I was doing I was not drunk I knew what I was doing I tell you I felt guilt I still have a little of that guilt in me I mean look at my first name shit�s sake so I feel guilty but I also feel revenge tonight I got revenge twice I now feel like I�m going to throw up all over this fucking keyboard get me the fuck out of here right now

before & after