I just walked in and there�s someone screaming and yelling at me as I walk into the house. I get to the door, fumble for the key and feel this overwhelming wave of fear come over me, and run up the stairs. I do this almost every night. I guess I wouldn�t if I didn�t feel like I was being followed or watched by someone. This is evident in a few things. Some random phone calls I get from �strangers�, or one particular �stranger�. I doubt it is actually a stranger. Sightings of people watching me around corners here and there are not uncommon. They say you can feel when you�re being watched. I feel it every night, and it gets into my head as I walk up to the door. I want to take a weapon with me when I come home at night now. I can�t concentrate because this is always on my mind late night like this.

Today was a long ass day. Got to work at 9:30am, left at 10:00pm. I need a day off please. A day off from work, and calls, and words, and all of that stuff.

5 Gin and Tonics (with gratuity) - $30

That powerbook to save that chicks phone number in at the bar - $250

3 Long Island Iced Teas for the lady (with gratuity) - $17

Going home alone and vomiting all over your brand new shirt in front of Jay Leno � priceless

7 Bud Ice�s (with gratuity) - $21

1 Rum and Diet Coke for the lady (with gratuity) - $5

Cab ride home - $11

A case of genital crabs � priceless

4 Jack and Cokes (with gratuity) - $20

7 Heinekens (with gratuity) - $25

Smashing your Jetta into a utility pole killing you and your girlfriend instantly, and making your parents bury your dead twenty-two year old self because you had no brain � priceless

So there definitely is this network of people watching me. They are most likely involved with the hub cap people as well. Those people have been fucking with me and trying to push their little cult on me for years. I don�t see evidence of their existence as much as I used to, but suffice to say they are still out there. Ready to fuck with me from time to time, regardless of where I am in the country. New York, Tennessee, wherever. They show up, do their magic and leave without a trace. I think there might actually be hundreds of them. They are working with the people that are just hired to watch me. There is also this network of people that watch me. They watch every move I make. They probably have records of my activities dating back a few years anyway. I just noticed them recently, and judging by their professional way of doing things, they�ve obviously been at it for quite a while. They probably have volumes of information. I don�t know of what, I don�t do anything bad, or good for that matter. Perhaps they just want to watch a normal guy and make sure he doesn�t all of a sudden go the other way. So they keep a good eye on me day to day. They�re probably reading this as I type it for all I know. They work with the hubcap people to make sure I don�t get out of line. They work with the hubcap people to fuck with me. They try to make me think there is this giant reason they do the things they do with the hubcaps and how they arrange them like they do. They probably think I am going to walk down the road and pick one up for one of my artifact story telling sessions. I know better than to even touch them. I tell ya, I don�t give those hubcaps the time of day no how. I don�t look twice, I see one, move along. Get on with my life. I don�t need to think about anything I don�t need to think about, especially if I�m trying to not think about what I�m thinking about. Nobody else experiences this that I know of. Nobody knows these networks, or maybe they all better start paying more attention to what�s going on around them day to day. They better not keep their backs turned too much longer, as it will just mean they will be all controlled at an early age. I thankfully caught on quick, and now I�m just ignoring them. As a matter of fact, I am going to stop writing about them right now. They don�t deserve the attention.

Today I thought like this: can�t get up yet get the food ready get the coffee get out of here here�s your money here�s your change and your drink the radio tells me the best way to go to work in the morning I am friends with the radio yeah the radio is now my friend I had a good time with her last night I can�t deal with all of this paperwork on my desk I can�t deal with the unanswered e-mails and voice mails and tugs of war and phone calls and meetings and lunch breaks now I go to the bank and get money and give out money and shit more coffee now that�s fine with me I am getting out at 5 to go to a meeting susan looks really fucking hot today with that plaid skirt and those eyes she said hello to me today that was a plus maybe someday she�ll be wearing a watch and I can see if she�ll give me the time of day as long as it�s not four when she leaves for the day an hour before that five hour meeting tonight sit in this white room with four other people and talk about a contract for the whole time drink water evian spelled backwards is na�ve heh now that�s funny if it bends it�s funny the car is cold a good change from that hot room we were meeting in for five hours without moving my body at all I didn�t move my mouth I sit and observe and listen to people argue and this and that and take it all in come home and I still feel the same way I have felt every day for the past few weeks again it comes back to haunt me the realization that I will never ever be able to have a relationship with a girl because I am jealous possessive and I want a girl that never drinks alcohol, ever that�s the way it is and always will be for the rest of my life I wonder if it�s as lonely at the top as it is at the bottom?

before & after