Today, sitting in the coffee shop, nowhere near work, there was a woman sitting there. Short white hair, real pretty, probably in her mid to late fifties. She was dressed sort of conservative, in a Massachusetts style. A man came in and greeted her with a briefcase and a suit, and similar hair color. They sat down, and it soon became evident that she had witnessed a car accident, and he was some sort of insurance guy. They talked for a while, and I must admit it was probably the first time this woman had probably ever said �yeah, the bone was sticking out of his leg�. I was writing in my journal (which, since I�ve started using a computer a few years ago, is becoming a rare thing. Gone are the days I ever write with a pen if I�m at home) and over heard her give out her phone number to the guy. She mentioned her husband worked over night. I decided after I left that I should have written her number down and called her late at night saying things like �you shouldn�t have told!�, �you have witnessed something evil, and now you will have to live in fear!�, �the bone that was sticking out of the leg has been grind down into powder, the powder will be put into a ceremonial vessel, and the 9 headed snake of Tiptheria will be summoned to reap pestilence upon you and your associates� I decided against it though. I guess it wouldn�t be the best thing to get arrested for at my age anyway.

I am indeed scared right now. Scared to go outside. I was out today and I felt uncomfortable inside. I talk to people I know, outside, on the phone, whatever, and I just want to run away and come home to this room. There really is not an instance when I feel really good outdoors now. There�s a feeling coming along that will hold me down for months to come, I can feel it. I can feel the white room surrounding me and making me feel like I am on the outside of something big and grand going on. Some giant conspiracy if friends, family, and strangers all out to get me. This giant network of people all with one goal: to destroy my life somehow. I talk to the white walls in here and they tell me to do the right thing. I do, and they thank me with gifts of solitude and a boring night in staring at them for hours. They tell me I am doing the right thing, there�s nobody out there right now that you need to be with they tell me. The women, the friends, they�re all out to get you they tell me. They are the ones who tell me not to trust anyone! They are the ones that make me stay indoors and look out the window for minutes at a time ready to jump at any minute. They are the ones who tell me that I should leave everyone alone, and continue not returning phone calls and making promises. They are the white walls and they tell me everything I should do to be a good man. They tell me they know me better than anyone, they watch me sleep. They put thoughts into my head while I sleep. Crazy, crazy thoughts that come out when I wake up in the morning, and I have a moment of clarity, or silence. They begin to surface. Telling me everything I�m doing is correct. They tell me to forget this one and that one as they are just going to stab me somewhere in the end, most likely the back. I don�t want to have to always listen to these white walls telling me things, and putting these crazy, crazy ideas into my head. I don�t want to have to listen to what anyone says. The walls can go fuck themselves and the people they tell me I should not trust. They can all go get together and conspire to take over someone else. I have no desire to be haunted anymore with any of this burden. I have no desire to feel what it�s like to be a slave. A robot. A tool for these walls to bring me down. The strange thing is, it all makes sense, in an ironic kind of way. Something comes out of the woods out back and comes in here, and takes me over. It comes in here, ever since I lived in this room, I have to go through the motions every night with it. I have to get rid of it, as it watches over my shoulder. I make sure I�m being a good boy and taking my vitamins, and paying my bills. I make sure that I know the lines I�m stepping over are imaginary, created by it to make me feel even more guilt. I destroyed guilt though. Years ago, I destroyed guilt. It�s not inside me, the day I decided there was no god, was the same day I decided not to ever worry about something as trivial as guilt. So going outside now, has it�s good and it�s bad. One thing, I�ve come up with some good things to write about, the bad thing is, I just feel like I constantly want to leave and either come home, or go somewhere else. I liked it today. Today I thought to myself how wonderful it was to play it by ear. To go out and about by myself, no plan as to where I�m going, just to hang around and do something as soon as I get the urge. Once you start getting others into the equation, it starts to suck. It starts to be someone else controlling you. It starts to feel suffocating. It feels like a cement block on your head. It feels like you are weighed down, stripped of a few more freedoms. Stripped of identity. You look like some sort of robot. Yes this is what I love doing. Please, don�t get me started. You know I really don�t want to be involved. They pull me back in though, it�s like I�m in a gang or something. It�s like I have a target on my chest. That�s it, I need another makeover. Sort of like they have on those talk shows. You start losing your identity, and the next thing you know, you�re losing feelings, you�re losing your soul. I lost my soul, it got sucked out of me a while back, and in the meantime, I�ve been trying other ones on. In the meantime I will kick and scream and say no until someone gives it back. I won�t settle for anything less. I�m sick to death of settling, to satisfy a few people. I�m sick of having to stand on a bed of nails because he or she wants to. I�m sick of doing things I do not want to do. I can�t find a good way or home that suits me, so what do I do? I stay in here until a rescue squad shows up and tells me it�s okay to come out now. I will stay in here and watch the snow fall all winter. I will stay in here and�huh?

Now back to earth please. So I just got in from hanging with Angela. It turned out the rehearsal place was closed again, as I found out ten minutes before leaving to go there. We took a ride, ran into Dorian who she liked, and then we took a long drive to Gloucester, Marblehead and everywhere else around here. I can�t think of anyone else I feel as comfortable with than her right now. I want to be with her all the time now. When I had met her I liked her a bit, but the more I see her and talk to her, the more that grows I guess. She is truly the only one I think about in reality (excluding the silly little meaningless girls I see here and there, or at work and whatnot). She is the only reason I�m smiling day to day�So anyway, I got a bit of a surprise when I dropped her off tonight, which was sort of a big deal to me. Such that, as I walked up to the door of my house I pressed the car alarm on my key chain to �open� the door to my house�I guess that�s when you know you like someone, when you do silly goofy things like that. Funny how I can go from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours. I should sleep easy tonight, let�s see what happens�

graffiti seen at rest stop mens room in Natick Massachusetts: "Daytona Beach 10/6/00"

before & after