| Oh Joy! | ||
| 2000-11-20 || don't explain i mean read this one | ||
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So someone told me that there is a �reset� button inside everyone�s head. I have been looking for it for a couple of days now. I want to quit my job, I want to quit my band, I want to quit my relationships, and start at zero again. Build something different. I�m not satisfied with how I flip the calendar every day. I�m not going to keep going like this if I take advice from animals and the like. Coming home at night switching on the electricity and waiting for something to burn out as fast I can. Coming home at night and wondering where that reset button is. Dump file. I�m wound up now and I won�t stop spiraling. I�ve done some really dumb things lately to myself that I don�t tell anyone about, there are strangers in my life that nobody knows about, there are animals and voices from the back yard that nobody knows about. They are there for me and me only. I�m not sharing. I fucked it up somehow. One thing though, I am filled with a little bit of excitement thinking about the day when I will finally just let go. Let go of everything and move to a different level. It could be a worse level, or a better one. I look forward to that day. Cross the line to the other side. I can�t wait for that day. No party. No laughing. No sex. None of that. I�ve arranged a meeting for next week with someone to go over some ideas I have. I have no clue how that is going to pan out. I know that they feel the same way I do all of the time though. We are going to get together and talk about idea we have to make the news. Ideas we have that will finally bring us some sort of satisfaction. Peace of mind, that kind of thing. I look around me and I see crippled children. I see people with the knowledge to do the things I want, but they won�t join the army with me. They ain�t coming along for the ride, as they think it�s too dangerous. I tell you one thing, it�s feeling good up here. It feels good down there as well, but this is the way it should be. Right now I�m numb to what I need to be doing. I ignore everyone and everything. Put it in the back seat, I�ll deal with it later. I�ve never felt better about hurting people than I do right now. I�ve never felt better about being hurt myself. It�s all even now. One day I get let down, or hurt, so I do the same thing to someone innocent. One day I can move along and forget about the past four years of my life, there�s nothing worthy here to remember. Remember the night we did this? Oh yeah, wonderful night. Wonderful eyes looking at me. Last night I got home tired and filled with anxiety and dizziness and my life turned another corner after one corner okay now I have to deal with this shit now now I have to move back to how I was ten years ago now I get pissed at all of the women again because they can�t act right now I move back to square one I need to move back to zero though start it from scratch what is it they say move back to zero and start all over again I had a dream last night that I was living on the farm like I planned and I went out to the barn to pick out an outfit for the night I found the one I wanted and went back in and made my phone calls and started yelling got on a horse and got the fuck out of dodge so four years from now I�m going to die horribly in a car accident or someone is going to shoot me or something like that that�s what I was trying to say a while back I couldn�t put it into the right words though staying home to be safe is the only way to be safe now I do not want to go out of my house anymore I want to quit everything and hit that reset button I have this small window of opportunity to change this to a positive thing but I think I want to go the other way and do bad I can�t leave my house I�m too scared that something is going to happen to me okay I�ll make an exception to go to work and get money for being out amongst vampires and networks of thieves that steal things out of my head and replace them with exact duplicates I have done my last road trip this past weekend way too many scary people walking around bumping into me and asking me questions it would all be so much easier if I could explain this better to the average person you make no sense people tell me Actually, forget this, I was just upset about a girl, none of this is real, don�t pay attention to me. It�s sunny out, and I�m not in work today, how much better could life be? |
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