So when I was fifteen years old I was going out with this girl Denise. She was a bit older, and I guess was my second �girlfriend�. My first girlfriend was a disaster, seeing other boys, etc. I was younger, so obviously that thing happened quite a bit. Anyway, I had trust issues even at that young age. So one day my brother said he had tickets to see the Cure at the Orpheum Theater in Boston. It was 1985, so it was the�Head On the Door tour. At the time there was a boy in school named Tom Motley, he was in Denise�s grade I think. At one point her and her best friend mentioned how they thought he was real cute. This pissed me off. Looking at any astrology book will tell you that Scorpio�s are jealous types. Anyway, I got extremely jealous about this comment. So I didn�t really want to see the Cure, I only knew that one new record, and then there was the other factor. Denise was going to a party that Tom Motley would be at. This could not happen in my eyes. I told my mother to that I didn�t want to go with my brother to the Cure concert, and told Denise I didn�t feel right about her going to this party. Girls drank alcohol, and then cheated on their boyfriends, I was sure of this. At the time I was pretty damn straight edge, I wasn�t smoking cigarettes anymore, wasn�t smoking pot, and wasn�t drinking alcohol. So the thought of my girlfriend going to a party with a guy she thought was cute, and getting drunk pissed me off to no end. I ended up going to the show, and enjoying it. Denise went to the party with her friend Rebecca, and that was that. As far as I remember nothing happened that I knew of anyway. She mentioned it was boring and blah blah blah. She actually did end up hooking up with this guy while dating her next boyfriend after me from what she told me later. My jealousy turned on me eventually, as she ran off with another guy after 18 months with me, and the rest is history. My next girlfriend, also a Scorpio, did the same thing, except it was with 5 of my friends, and my next girlfriend after that did the same thing. I sort of grew out of being jealous years later. My last long term girlfriend wouldn�t put up with it, and I think it had something to do with why we first broke up. There was no reason to be like that with her though, as she just wasn�t the type to cheat. Jealousy is a horrible attribute for anyone to have. I�ve dealt with it all my life, and after being let down a few times I wonder if it lead directly to what my worst fears were. I think everyone has it in them a little. Whether it�s in the relationship sense, or the friendship sense. Regardless, the green monster, as I like to call it, is not a good thing. I know plenty of men that are jealous types, and I look at how foolish they look, and it makes me hate myself when any of it comes out in me. I�ve worked on it in the relationship department by this point, realizing that if someone�s going to fuck me over, or cheat on me, I can usually tell at this point. Most of the girls I have been involved with as of recent (huh?) do not seem like the types. That shouldn�t even be the reasoning though. It should just not exist. I want to destroy it inside me, as I still feel it come out from time to time. One main time it comes out is in friendships. Most people are able to have a great time with each other, doing what the group does, going with the flow. I�m jealous that I can�t do this. I�m kicking myself, knowing I just can�t do it. I can�t be with people that much. I just don�t have the same fun. I have no clue why this comes out still. Is it really because I was born on November 3rd (obligatory �upcoming birthday� comment for people who like to send cards, and give gifts, or just say �Happy Birthday�)? Anyway, as far as relationships go, at this point, physical contact is just that �physical contact�. It means nothing to me. I haven�t gotten off like that in a while, and realize it has only been good with someone I was truly in love with. When that comes into play, of course I would feel jealous knowing someone else could just use my girlfriend, or vice versa for something I wasn�t doing. Whereas I take such a back seat to physical contact, as well as an overwhelming big thing with it, I have no clue where I really stand. It�s been so long since I�ve been in love, I have no clue how I would react in that situation. I�m pretty happy with how things are going right now. I haven�t had a girlfriend in a while, and like it in a few ways, but I also have a longing to have someone there to see every night, and that kind of thing. There is someone I am interested in like that right now, and I�m not sure what�s going on, as I am �slow� I guess. As far as I�m concerned, things are good, and if they happen they happen. I can�t see her ever cheating, so I can�t picture myself being that guy again. He hasn�t come out in years, and I hope he�s just gone for good. Where he comes out from time to time in other areas of my life scares me though. I see jealousy in people and I want to never be like that. I need to destroy it. I need to destroy it. Kill it with the power of trust, love, and understanding (is that some sort of motto?). I really hope it doesn�t even rear its head with people around me. Jealousy, the biggest downfall I had at one point.

It�s 3:00 AM and I�m drinking espresso, listening to Steely Dan, and smoking cigarettes. Not exactly the best model of a working man there should be, but�what the hell. I watched the cocksucking Yankees beat the Mets tonight, and lead the series 3-1 now the bastards. Perhaps one more game at Shea tomorrow evening will give �us� one more win. I�ll be wearing my Mets shirt tomorrow at work. Tonight I went to get my paycheck at the record store and agreed to work on Halloween night until 9:30 or so. This is actually good, as I was looking for an excuse to leave work at the label early, and an excuse to not go home until late, when all the people went away. I�ve avoided downtown Salem for a couple weeks now, as there are tourists everywhere. I�m not one of those anti-tourist people, as I am frequently a tourist myself, and I would hate to think people are saying that about me when I visit their cities. Salem is a good place to be for Halloween, obviously. I just don�t need to be around crowds right now. My head is in a spin as it is by itself. Plus, at 31 years old (well, on November 3rd : ) ) I can�t really say the holiday excites me that much anymore. So I will be at the record shop, and then probably to a movie or something. Perhaps there will be some sort of scary movie playing somewhere in the city or something. Last year I went up to New Hampshire by myself and walked around the brown leaves, brownstones, old buildings, and cold ocean winds of Portsmouth. I fucking love that town. I�ve considered moving there plenty of times, still do�I told my boss I was scared that someone would come in with a mask and rob me though while I sat there by myself. We were robbed at gunpoint once. Thankfully I was not there. The guy made my boss, and another worker lay on the floor with their heads down, with their feet touching. He was going through the register, and the gun went off. He said �whoops, hair trigger� From what they both told me, they both thought the other had been shot. Anyway, there is still a bullet hole in the ceiling. If there is no entry from me on Halloween evening, you will know why. My password for this sight is available from Sarah, so get it from her, and someone please update this for me, in the unfortunate event that that happens. Just come on here night by night and complain about girls, no one will know the difference. Use a lot of words, and always try to come up with a witty entry title. Thanks..

Outch.

before & after