I guess it�s a bit strange how everything is right now. This overwhelming feeling of loneliness. People call me and want to go out, and I just don�t have the desire to do much. I saw enough. I�m tired now, ready to retire at 30 years old. What a joke. I keep thinking back to when I was a teenager, and I can�t really remember what it was like. This is partly why I do hang out with younger people I guess. Maybe I�m just trying to avoid getting old. Anyway, it�s not working, as most of the things my �younger� friends do bores me at this point. I get a little to critical some times I know that, and just don�t realize the age difference is big with some of them. Not that I�m some old, wise man, but I am just done with it all at this point. I like seeing all of them, but the parties and this and that are just over for me. I have never in my life really had a period where I enjoyed drinking, and going out with large groups. I do remember always being slightly amused by people that enjoyed it as much as they did. I never got that part of life, and a very, very large number of people do it, so I feel like a jerk sometimes when I bash it, but on the other hand, it�s what society says is okay. It�s illegal to smoke marijuana, yet it�s legal, advertised, and all over the place to drink. I remember arguing with a teacher in high school once. They had all these anti drunk driving programs, and my argument was �shouldn�t you be telling kids it�s not okay to be drinking?� They had no real answer except for, �well, it�s legal for us adults, blah, blah, blah� So being older now, I just have to deal with it. I will hang out with all my friends, and respect their decisions they make, and hope for the best. I�m not going to be an asshole and say �I hope they grow up someday�, as it�s not really my place, and I guess if people feel grown up doing what they like to do. Anyway, I�m currently trying to go 365 days without touching a drop of alcohol. The last time was September 16th, and judging from my entry that night, it would be silly of me to do it again :^) I always have to be INTO something, or NOT into something, and to say I enjoy the feeling of being drunk would be a complete lie. So I�m trying to just forget about it all, and let people do what they do. I�m going to a Halloween party this weekend, for my only taste of Halloween (just living in Salem is enough, thanks�), and I�m sure it will be fine to be the guy walking around drinking soda trying not to feel too out of place, but also hard to watch people. It always makes me either depressed, or laugh inside when I see it�It just gets harder the older I get to want to go out. I sort of like what I do day to day right now. The band is going very well, and I�ve been mainly hanging out with Breaux, our drummer at night if I go out. This usually consists of us standing around talking about music, and how much we love our band. A bit self indulgent for any one around us, but since our music is admittedly self indulgent and pretentious, I have no problem with that, you got a problem with it pal?

So when I was 14 years old I started this fanzine called �One Step Forward�. It was to be a punk/hardcore fanzine. I put out 3 issues, and then stopped, as the quality of other zines around me was surpassing mine pretty fast. My first issue I interviewed Keith Morris, from the Circle Jerks, backstage at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston. My friend and I were amateurs, and the tape recorder ended up not even recording the interview. We took answers from memory, and printed the interview anyway�We went on later to interview a slew of great bands including: Scream (before Dave Grohl joined), the Meatmen via former Minor Threat guitar player, Lyle Pressler, the Subhumans, Youth of Today, Psycho, Government Issue, Siege, Corrosion of Conformity, the Offenders, Agnostic Front, Vatican Commandos (Moby was in this band!), and others I can�t remember at this point. Anyway, we did a lot of record reviews and such, and met a ton of people that became famous, or were famous at the time in the underground sense. This is one thing I miss about being a teenager. I don�t think I could really have the energy to do that again though. I have no clue who any of the new bands are, and don�t really care either way. I like some of the new stuff, but for the most part, I�m and outsider now�point? Eh�none, just a thought�

It�s not like it�s hard to remember what exactly what happened, as it is still pretty fresh. The last �good one� that got fucked up pretty early on. I still remember it all though, I talk about it all the time. I joke about it with her, and I have grown to respect her more at this point than any other. I almost miss going and �talking� about it all, and getting nowhere. I miss the late nights wondering what exactly happened. I still think about the �well, not right now anyway� conversations. Watching the sun come up outside the window was a particularly fond memory, even if it was so brief, and I was paying more attention to her than the damn sun anyway. This weird three or four day period where we discovered quite fast how we were in �that situation�. Rushing into things, or better yet, releasing something that may or may not have been building over a period of years as fast as we did was probably the death before the birth, but I enjoyed the short time of it, and the hell it may have brought me, as well as her in a perverse sort of way. Drama created by her and I, but mostly from my end. It had been a long time since I felt that strongly, almost intimidated by her, not really knowing how or what to say. Knowing exactly how I felt, but as I did in the past, not being able to say a word in the face of it. Communication. I have the skills, it takes me a day. It takes me a year or so, but I know what I want, and I know what I wanted then. It feels so long ago at this point, as the way I am, I always need to just run away, yet remain close. I sometimes imagine what would have happened if it all did just work out. I wonder from day to day what could ever happen in the future if anything. I sit around and think about it from time to time, sure. Not in a �fuck!� kind of way, but a way that makes me feel good that it did happen when it did. The timing was good and bad at the same time. Bad in the way that neither of us were really ready for it all, and good, as it gave me something to ponder on the road. I�d never take it back for a million dollars, as it was a nice thing. That�s the best word I can use to describe it? No, but I haven�t really talked about any of it in here in a while. It affected everything I wrote in here for a few months, and was such a big event for me, that I can�t just let go of it. I guess this is just a reminder that it was still an important situation in my life, positive, as well as negative. That�s all I really have to say about that.

before & after