First today there were the women in the coffee shop. One working behind the counter I know smiling at me as usual. Pretty girl, friendly, smart. Then there was the petite blonde that came in with the body of a nine year old boy, and the face of a forty year old woman, followed by the attractive well shaped woman in her early forties with a great smile. Then there was the blonde with the overalls, she seemed kind of bitchy, and frankly, didn�t have the looks or fashions sense (those shoes did not go with those overalls!) to pull that sort of attitude off. Next was two girls in their twenties with one guy who was either one of their boyfriends�, or �the gay friend�, or hey, maybe just a friend! The one with the sweater caught my eye at first, even though I was hoping she would take off her sunglasses for the first three minutes. She eventually took them off and I made some sort of eye contact with her. She was gorgeous, not in the traditional sense, just real cute. Fun girl. I make sure I keep records of every single person I see throughout the day. I needed today, even if it was relatively short. Coming off the heels of a pretty social last few weeks, I realized the problem faced lately. I haven�t had any self time in far too long. I used to have this constantly. So today I took off by myself and got some coffee, bought a couple more CD�s (two more Motorhead CD�s to round out the catalog), and then took a little drive to look at leaves turning colors in New England here. That�s one great part about living up here. It�s just starting now, but the overall feel is autumn. This is good. Nobody needs summer, it�s a long season filled with way too many faces, and way too many conversations about dead people and dead issues. I need this season more than anything. People get down in this season. I get down. But it�s a good get down.

So I�ve started something�actually, I�m not going to talk about that right now. Heh.

I�m in a place with one hand on my temple, and one hand holding a cigarette. There are numerous people laughing around me. There�s loud disco music and the occasional name shouting to get my attention. I have a headache, and I look like I�d rather be anywhere but here. I feel good though. I look around and see friends, strangers, mingling, sharing stories about who has more money and who has fucked more people in the past five years. I order another drink for myself and sit back and observe. I see the girls I know talking like the girls they are. Intelligent, bright, witty, all of that. I see the guys I know talking. Nerdy, stumbling, trying to be witty, coming up redundant though. The strangers come and go throughout the night and I still sit there observe, not talking to anyone. Not because I feel anti-social, but because there�s no reason for me to be talking. I can sit here and struggle through another drink for just as long. I can sit here and pretend, but tonight I feel like sitting back and enjoying the scenery. The night before was the same scenario, but I was in a worse mood, disappearing after only ten minutes of seeing the pathetic scene in front of me. The nice fresh air tonight makes it much easier to deal with. No pollution getting blown into my ears and mouth. I arrived a little earlier than normal and got a good seat in the back row to observe from. The questions and answers come by every few minutes and I have to just nod and smile and do what it takes to satisfy whatever answer they wanted. I have to justify why I am here to myself though. Am I here because I sincerely love this place and all of these people? Am I using people again for some selfish reason? Am I trying to get laid here? Am I trying to make people not like me? Ha. The answer is sort of yes to all of these points. The last time I really went out was a few weeks back. They were closing the bar down that we used to go to. I only started going this year. As anyone who knows me, I rarely drink, and generally think drunk people need to be slapped, but that�s a whole other thing to write about another time. I went out this one night a few weeks ago I guess it was. Sort of the end of summer, as well as what I saw as an end to a part of me. That guy. The bar guy. I did this for a little less than a year. When I turned 21, 9 years ago, I didn�t go to a bar, I went to�I don�t even remember at this point, but at the time I was not drinking at all, it had been about 4 years since I had a drink I think. I got back into it a little in 1998 (up until then, I had maybe been drunk 10 times in my life), and a little this past year, and realized it�s not my scene, and never will be. So I am assured I will never become an alcoholic, as I can�t taste that stuff without wincing and wanting to throw the drink against a wall. I lied all those times. So this night was particularly eventful in more ways than one. It signified that ending of these bars that we spent many a time hanging out at. It also signified the end of me lying to people. I was a liar for a long time. Many times leaving places because I couldn�t deal with myself at that moment. I knew exactly what I was doing. Preying. A room full of weak people. Mmmm, what have we here? I can�t see myself ever getting back into that scene at all. I like meeting people and all that, but under those circumstances it�s a big joke. It�s loud so you can�t hear the true voices, it�s dark so you can�t make eye contact, and it�s crowded so you have to get close to people. Not somewhere I want to be. I certainly don�t want to lie anymore though. Pretend that I�m enjoying myself and all of that. I feel relieved now. I can get on with it now. That night after a couple hours of just observing, I finally got up and mingled, and drank myself silly. Left, kissed someone for a brief couple of minutes and made my way home where I sort of laughed to myself over coffee. I accomplished what I wanted with all of that over the past few months, saw through all of the people, and now I move along. Next subject. It�s crazy to think that the people I know that hung with me at those places still do the same thing every night, or every other night. This means of escape I guess. I guess people have it worse than I do. I like escpae just as much as the next guy, but when it�s every night, or more than once a week, it get�s redundant, and you have to think, what are you going to do when you need to escape from this? I never want to get to that point, and I�m going to make sure I never do. I cut myself off from any of those kinds of plans now. Turn down invitations to that life with a chuckle to myself. Realize that there are more of them than there are of you. Realize that they are all sheep. Most folks are sheep, following some sheep that started going somewhere a long time ago. I hope they all enjoy the long ride down. I am enjoying my ride, and now have enough in me to not even care about it. I go my way, everyone else goes theirs�. My phone number is listed. My door is always open for a clean night out, or a clear night in.

Reason number 522 not to give any information out ever: Privacy. I need some privacy. How ironic, as I write this on the internet�I need time to sit at home for the night and do nothing now. I like this boring life inside myself. The summer was too long. It dragged with the weight of one to many dead horses behind it. Pulling dead horses down the road of life. Wondering when the summer is going to end is a pretty bleak way to look at things I guess. I met a lot of people I hadn�t met before. I have no idea who or where they are now. I met a whole lot of ghosts the past summer. I met a whole slew of personalities I never knew were in me. I met people with no faces that I still can remember somehow. I met the girls. I flirted. I kissed this one and that one. In the end. I�m still sitting here, the same as I was a year ago, unfulfilled. I start to get what I think it is I want, and then it just goes away. I realize it�s not what I wanted in the least bit. I realize I don�t want any of it. I want something completely different that nobody around here has the ability to do for me. I realize this and I get depressed. What can I do besides complain about it?

I don�t have a best friend. I don�t have any friends. I don�t have a life anymore. I have this and that and the other thing. I have the guitar. I have the car to take me away from time to time. I hate when people ask me what�s wrong. I hate when people ask me if I need any help. They just ask at the complete wrong times. They ask the wrong questions. See me from a side I didn�t know anyone could see. Reading this, and then calling me up �Hey I read that you�� I don�t think anyone really understands the concept of this whole thing. Except for the other people that write here I guess. Perhaps giving the address of this thing to friends was a mistake? Perhaps it is a good thing. I just don�t want it to ever even be brought up in real life I guess. That�s all. This is more my therapy, and whoever happens to stumble across it and enjoy it�I have friends, who am I kidding. I have people around me. Right now though. It�s that time of year I was talking about. There�s all sorts of strange things happening. There�s things changing and the like. I sort of like that. I feel like I did nothing this weekend. I talked and talked and touched, and saw and heard and smelled and did everything social that one needs to do, yet I still come back here at night and have something to feel uncomfortable about. They make me uncomfortable perhaps? They make me feel like an asshole sometimes without knowing it.

Stupid old memories of yesterday and last year and touching it makes me uncomfortable it makes me uneasy touching I don�t trust anyone really so touching is worse I don�t like when people touch me really and intimacy is something that needs to be built as it makes me uneasy hence me not drinking anymore it�s so easy to just fall into that with strangers and sluts and whores and all of them as is stands now I hate when people come up and touch and grab and hold unless it�s that one or two people I feel comfortable with for the most part it makes me uneasy it all goes back to what happened years ago that I wrote about in here last summer under a title about the �maybe the earth is flat� or something like that indeed I need something real right now though what is handed to me now is distance and that kind of thing and it�s nice and all but I am comfortable and don�t want to get too far away I like the holding hands and kissing and all that once it gets into anything else it starts getting serious for me and I need to get away unless it�s perfect there haven�t been many people I felt perfect around there�s been a few girls in my life that made me feel perfect they are gone now and now I get nervous around people that are standing too close to me run away into the back yard and play catch with yourself I think it was all these relationships in the past few years that meant nothing that have put me here now a bunch of kissing and all of that and no conversations no books discussed movies about brad pitt discussed if you look down the left column you see a secret if you look down the right you see a bunch of lies and people deceiving each other and telling stories so check this out I�m in the record store today looking at some records checking out the product and the atmosphere of loud fluorescent lights and the like and there�s a group of people who work there in a circle talking about him and her and how he did this and he�s known for doing that and he is bad and he is evil and we should be talking about him I don�t really know who they were talking about it sounded like a co-worker though I felt okay about this I felt like wow everyone does this what am I worried about we have to analyze everyone I tried to rise above this a few months ago and have managed to pretty well now hippies helped me do this eastern philosophy helped me do this and writing helped me do this no single person helped me do this though I did it all by myself I don�t have that many bad words or swears to say about anyone now yeah we all have our good points and our bad points but the end result is everyone is full of shit I can�t believe I sat through a whole movie of it last month or whenever that was ending at that bar that night a bunch of lies and a bunch of me getting this close and her getting this close and then me figuring it all out in one quick minute shallow pools are always cooler looking to me I hate the deep ones there�s something in the deep one wanting to get at you I like the way hair falls in front of silly girls eyes I picture it in my face while they�re on top of me I picture her with that hair in the face thing going on ponytail means blow job as if it could mean anything else I have a feeling the way it would have ended would have been similar to my last evening in Atlantic City this summer walking in the rain and mist and feeling completely happy and content yet uneasy and restless at the same time I have a feeling it would have ended with me breathing a sigh of relief followed by immediate analyzing and ass kicking I feel it would have ended with me brushing her hair out of her eyes and saying it�s time for me to leave I rolled he dice you rolled the dice no eye shadow is going to help you or I at this point you have your reasons why you�re like that I have my reasons why I�m like this get on top of me and make your hair fall in my face it smells good your hair I let you get close to me I have nothing to offer here but I feel like I let you get close to me I�m no better than that man right there the next man you see I am no better than him I�m no better than the one you just saw she once told me she liked being on top of me that was the best thing I had heard since letting someone get close to me like that and it made me smile and blush at the same time it made me feel like a million bucks it made me feel like I could win something I could win a heart or something that ended soon and here I am with you feeling like Atlantic City in the rain at 5 in the morning with a headache and another 40 hours of being a rock star and a nomad another 40 hours without you would be the best thing for me right now if I can still not see you I haven�t seen you in a month I haven�t heard you in a month I haven�t felt you in a month and I like that fine if I see you I want you to let me smell your hair and then I want you to get away from me as fast as you can get away from me you didn�t know me I knew you immediately oh I�ve met you I knew you I met you a bunch of times before let me smell your hair and then you can leave and I can leave here sign this so it�s official.

before & after