I�ve chewed off most of the fingernails in haste the past few days. There�s really only so much you can take. There�s really no reason to put any cards on the table anymore. Not if nobody is playing the same game as you. I see associates and people I casually know and don�t feel like I care anymore. When I see people from the past I always just ignore the �give me a call sometime� part of the conversation. I don�t like calling anyone anymore. I can�t deal with the fact that the phones and conversations are tapped and recorded for analysis. I don�t have time to make for anyone right now, not even myself. I can�t manage that, so how am I going to manage anything. I�ll tell you how. With humor. It�s all a big fucking joke right now. Ha ha, real funny ya know? I can�t take anything or anyone seriously anymore. I realize that I am just looking out the window waiting for the day to end. It�s so clear out tonight you can see every single star in the sky perfect. For me though, I have the blinds down, and I�m not thinking about anybody. I�m not sitting here wishing for anything right now. I�m wishing it would either just end, or it would just change drastically. I�m ready to take on the new identity though. Leave this thing behind. Take on the identity of someone nobody gets to know. Fuck that, I am not giving any secrets up. They make promises, and they give me ideas, and never go through with them. They�re all as full of shit as I am�Now that kids, is funny. I have an itch and it tells me that nobody looks at me in the afternoon. It�s at night, when I�m down here on the floor. They look at me for fifteen minutes and move along. Like an exhibit at the museum or something. Like a mangled guy with no arms to grab anyone with. Look at him on the floor; hold this piece of meat in front of his face for a few minutes�okay, now run away. Fast, he�s gaining. Yeah that�s it, a fucking useless piece of meat dangling in front of my face like some sort of creepy game show. A waste of my fucking time. A waste of my energy. And a waste of perfectly good lies I told you. Next. I had a dream last night of dogs. Sitting on a couch in the middle of this dry, dusty parking lot, in the sun. I�m sitting there and a group of dogs comes up to me. I hate dogs in real life. Well, I don�t hate them; I just don�t�care that much about them either way. The mean dogs though�I hate those ones. There�s no reason to own one of those, besides having a small penis and needing a little more testosterone. So this group of 5 of those dogs comes up to me doing what dogs do when they are making me nervous, jumping and panting and lunging at me. Like dogs do. Dogs lunge at me. Dogs lunge at me, and I get nervous. I get nervous that the lunging dog is going to attack me in mid lunge somehow. I usually put my arms up, signifying that I am scared of the dogs, and they lunge more. The dogs lunge at me more, because they sense my fear. Fuck that, the dogs lunge at me because they know in their hearts that lunging at me with my arms up is going to make me nervous that they are going to attack me somehow in mid lunge. So, back to the dream of the lunging dogs�so these dogs are lunging at me on the couch, and then I notice one of the dogs. It�s a green �plaid� dog, made of flannel. It�s this skinny flannel green plaid dog and I�m just sitting there petting it. That was about the extent of the dream. And to think I didn�t think that pot was that good last night. Long day of being out with people all day. Work in the morning. Pat and Frank came into the store for a little while. That was a little strange for no particular reason but me wanting to say it was strange. Lunch in New Hampshire with Christian and Dorian, as well as some successful shopping. 3 Sun Ra reissues, Joan of Arc�s new CD, The Sea and Cake�s new CD, the new Bjork, and the new Sinead that I lost somehow, or maybe sold at one point when I �was angry at women� last summer. My quest for a wallet continues. I�ve been �trying� to buy a wallet for about a month now. It has basically amounted to: �I need to get a wallet tonight�, �Hey, we�re going to get something to eat, wanna come?� �Sure� It doesn�t get done, and I need one desperately. I did get a really good Bjork screensaver though. There is a web link thing on the CD that brings you to her web site with some groovy (2nd time I�ve ever used that word) wallpapers and screen savers. That�s what I got, some wallpaper. It�s a black and white photo of her with one of those old school microphones. I love heavy metal again. As of today. October is going to be �metal month� �Rocktober� if you will. I�m staying in tomorrow. Staying in with the music and books. I�ve decided that this winter I am going to read all the books I�ve bought in the past few years that I never got around to reading. I do that so much, buy books and read them two years later. I�m finally getting back into fiction again, after all of those biographies of the past year. I saw a preview for Requiem for a Dream, the movie. That is by one of my favorite authors, Hubert Selby Jr. Great book, real depressing though. The gentleman who made Pi is making it, and it looks visually stunning. I will probably see it a dozen times�even if Jordan Catalano is in it. I�ll hide in here all day tomorrow and read and write. My arms and fingers are weak now. I shall go to sleep and worry about all of that other stuff another day, as for now, I�ve had enough and I will faint if I keep it going. Goodnight then.

before & after