The weekend. I�ve been involved with this weekend for about 6 hours now. The weekend is the time for celebration. Partying, getting wasted, getting laid�for most people. Tonight for my Friday night I went to the bookstore for a while, bought a short story collection (John Updike edition), as well as an Edward Gorey desk day calendar, and Dracula, the one with Bela Lugosi on DVD, oh, and a dictionary, as I can�t locate one. Now there�s no real excuse for my spelling and grammatical travesties. Today work was pretty hellish, as it always is at the end of the month. The last day of the month for us is always the worst day, today I was given more tasks than normal, and was busy all day, and the day actually dragged.

Funny how time flies and they all fly away from me. They take off like pigeons. Rats with wings. They show up for a minute or two, think they got to know me, and fly away into the wind. No looking back or anything. There are no apologies. They come by the house now and again, and make believe they care, I make believe I care, and we go our separate ways. It bothers me that I put effort into things and they just sort of linger around collecting dust. It bothers me that I am no happy with all of this. There really is no reason to be happy about it. You were had honey bunch. Sipping coffee late at night waiting for the efforts to be rewarded with at least a phone call, or some sort of poem on a napkin. Any sign of anything would help out big time here with me. I don�t want to go backwards. There are people I want to hurt now. There are people from last week I want to hurt. There are people from the movie that I want to hurt. I have a few allies in this war I�m waging right now. We have secret meetings disguised as dinner dates. We look like the couple of the moment, while we plot revenge and fun things like that. She meets me for a drink and we make it back to my house. I lend her books, tell her a quick story about �this one night in Chicago a while back�, give her a peck on the cheek, and the phone doesn�t ring for fifteen weeks. The phone rings with people selling sneakers disguised as literature and shiny photography. We meet again, she never read the books I leant her, and we go our separate ways again. The next meeting of the secret ninja society will be on October 11th 2000, at the parking lot of the restaurant we always meet at. The same parking space and everything. We shall meet there, and there we will finally get to the bottom of this. The plan will be under way, and we can sit back and watch it happen. You and I, we�ll go back to the beach one more time and talk about old families, and sports and cheerleaders, and vegetarians, and Reagan. Why it always bothers me that you come around like Halley�s Comet is beyond me. You rarely have many words to say, and when you do, it�s sugar and fire all wrapped into one big kiss. You bring out the kid in me, I swear to god you do. But you ain�t going to fully understand what I have for a plan. You�re not going to help me whatsoever. It makes it weak when you add your two cents. I�ll do all the work, you watch. I got involved with this girl Diane a long time ago. The most beautiful girl you could ever imagine to see in your whole entire life. We became fast friends, and I eventually developed the biggest crush in the world on her. She was completely crazy. Her mother had died, and she lived in the attic of her aunts� house. No boys allowed. I found letters from her a while back. All sorts of shit about birds flying around her room in the middle of the night, and her mother coming in the room after she had died. I remember every once in a while she would just disappear. Weeks at a time. She would just not answer the phone. I want to see her now. I was so into her. Yikes. I�d pay one hundred dollars just to see her once and hang out. Dreadlocks and babies are all I know about her as of 8 years ago. I would be able to make more apologies if I was given the time. I never have time to apologize though. I have plenty of time to dwell on things though. I have plenty of time to hang out and watch the river flow by me for a few hours. I have no time to sit down over a cup of tea, and discuss wrongdoings. I created a clone recently that I want to show people. I created a secret ninja out of thin air. I wanted him to be just like me. Bored, lonely, misunderstood, and all of that fun stuff. I hang out with the clone all the time and he tells his friends about me, I don�t mention a word of it to anyone though. Nobody believes you when you talk that kind of game. They don�t believe in magic like that. You can make anything. You can do all sorts of things when you keep your mind to it. Pin the mind to the wheel. Pin your tail on the honkey. I enjoy my new friend. If nobody else does, well, fuck them. I have my reasons for him to start hanging out with me now. He gives me another perspective. He gives me a whole new reason to stay up late. He entertains me, and hopefully will entertain others if I introduce him to anyone. He�s been way inside me for a long time now. He�ll come and hang out with all of you sometime. Some day everyone who ever reads this will get to meet him. He will show up at your house and you can hang with him and he�ll talk to you and give you advice, and tell you about his life, and her life, and what he plans to do about it. There�s no way I can think back to the summer of 1999 without thinking back to the south shore. Nights of high doubt. Nights of guilt. No I just can�t stay here tonight. Nights of feeling like a stranger. Feeling like a loser. A husband and a friend. Honest, and to the point, but a complete liar as well. Drive and use gasoline to get something you think you really need. Try it some time. Know exactly what it is you�re doing without regard to other peoples� feelings. See how it makes you feel. Be the one who hurts others for self gain and doesn�t think about the consequences, or karma. A fake and a liar for five hours a night. I can�t get on the floor. I need to crawl across the floor. Let�s take a ride to the beach you and I. You never won my attention. But I won yours somehow. I look back and punch myself in the face for all of that. This is really what I look like, but this isn�t what I feel like. I swear to god I didn�t want to get it out of me with you. I miss you now. I kicked myself in the head last week thinking about you. Thanks for sending the karma back to me though. I deserve the games played with me now. I deserve whatever happens now. Do I really deserve this over and over though? I mean it wasn�t that long. You always initiated it. You always started it. Not saying a word to me. Was it all just that then? If so, I can feel a whole lot better. If it was a dating service with further implications than I knew, kill me. I didn�t have the slightest idea of the ending. I knew the minute I met you that I was going to hell. I knew the minute I met you exactly what you would say to me. I knew all about you and your life. You told me in vague sentences about boys and girls and kisses and roses. I gave you ten minutes, you gave me hours, and what did I do? I took advantage of that, and now look at me. Monopoly board. Chutes and Ladders. Take me out to recess so someone can play games with me some more. I haven�t had enough yet. I haven�t felt alive like this in a long time. Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again. Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Dear Jesus, I promise I will never lie again.

Goodnight then�

before & after