Oh Joy!
2000-09-18 || girl on top
Soundtrack � Tom Waits � Blue Valentine

So there�s this kid. Normal kid with everyday problems and issues. He�s got all sorts of friends and all sorts of time to do what he wants. He�s got one problem though, he has ADD. He can�t concentrate on one thing. He can�t juggle. He has no juggling skills. His job entails him to juggle all the time. He sets himself up in real life to juggle, yet he can�t get it right. He can do that cheating version of juggling with two tasks at once. He can�t really juggle though. His head goes from one thought to the next. He doesn�t go to the doctor to get help for this problem, he sort of lets it do its work itself. He can�t get himself any sort of help. He hides behind all these facades. He hides behind conversations he has with people. His worst problem of all though, is how he deals with people. When he feels he�s �done� with them, he sort of brushes them aside. He feels like it�s not his problem anymore. He tries to explain to people he has these problems, but they usually just don�t want to hear it. There�s a guy that followed me home tonight. They have their own issues I guess. He gets aggravated a lot. Nobody understands him really. He meets and greets and tries and flies. He flies away from people. He gets them out of his head. Right the fuck out. He gets rid of them. When he feels he�s done his share, he goes away. He finds other things to do. He�s sort of a drifter. He�s completely conscious of what he does, yet he doesn�t seem to care. He notices what he does, but he just throws it aside. He has no real feelings it seems. He looks at people as some sort of entertainment for him or something. Again, yet again, I see the guy late at night. He�s looking for something, the kid. He�s looking for what, the right group of friends or something? He paints himself into corners, and then gets involved with girls and they don�t really know what to do with him. He doesn�t talk. Only to the ones he thinks want to hear what he says. He can�t talk to the ones who try and intimidate him. He doesn�t talk to the ones who think they know what he�s about. He hides from them. He runs away from them and turns himself inside out for all to see. He burns himself on radiators for the fun of it and then tells everyone what he did. The guy doesn�t hide in the backyard now, he just sort of goes and follows me on the street. He acts, he puts on little one act plays for people. He wins awards from his own academy of actors and directors. He has put on these little shows. He�s the only one that enjoys them. Most people have no idea what the hell he�s talking about most of the time. He makes promises to people that are his friends and then can�t follow through with it. There are maybe three people in the world he trusts, and none of them live within 500 miles of him. He has trust issues. He has issues in every meaning of the world. More issues than a newsstand. He can�t really talk to people with a straight face without thinking bullshit is falling out of their mouths. Most of the time this is true, and most of the time he tries to satisfy. Just for the sake of satisfying the masses, not because it�s honest. What would the use of being honest be to him? The guy thinks I don�t see him but I do. So at one point in the kids life he sort of lost touch with the ground, and then shortly there after lost touch with some close friends of his. He doesn�t really know where they are to this day. He sees them once a month maybe if he�s lucky (?) He writes letters to them here and there, but thinks they probably just rip them up and laugh at them. The letters. The letters he wrote were filled with honesty at one time, he eventually got a little bit out there, and pulled some silly things like lying constantly, telling male friends lies just so he wouldn�t have to see their faces. Lied to girls so he could get something off of them. Lied to girls about things from time to time, sure who doesn�t? He thinks he can be pretty funny from time to time, which he can be. He just can�t understand why it seems some people don�t really care. He thinks he�s well on his way to just not caring. He�s always a day or two away from buying weapons and going to the carnival of fog and crimson. He likes when the girls are on top. Just when they are on top kissing him. Nothing else, just that. He wants that over and over. But I hide from the guy between trees and between sentences. He hates having sex. He thinks it�s boring and overrated. He doesn�t think he should have to get that close to anyone anyway. Every once in a while he gets offers and thinks them over and then just sort of passes on it, or changes the subject. The master of changing the subject. Changing the subject to something more cryptic. Something nobody is going to understand except long lost girlfriends, and long lost friends from years gone by. They understood him, his ADD got in the way though. He feels it�s a chore to just keep on trying. He gets letters from time to time, and he tries to answer them as best as he can, but he can�t help but think he�s just going through the motions, trying to please the masses. Trying to get things out of people. Little secret ninjas and secret agents and secrets he hears about old friends make him chuckle and sort of wish he could witness things, but then comes to his senses about it all. The guy always tries to find me when I�m down and out in Salem Massachusetts Hills. He realizes it all means nothing, and in another year he won�t even remember voices, faces or, words he might have said. Put them all on a piece of paper and remember them. I have no idea why this motherfucker does this to me. Put them down to read to your wife in another year. Don�t let them know you�re acting like this in your room. Don�t let any of them in on the secrets that transpire over a night with you and the imagination. He really thinks I like these fucking games of hide and seek the motherfucker. Don�t let anyone in on the secret of all of this. Don�t let anyone in on it kid. The kid thinks that one day he will just run away with the girl with the gleam in her eye and the gall to put up with him. Just don�t fucking start hiding out in the back again, it�s the winter and I don�t have time for you or your games anymore. So the kid has some friends, and then he meets new friends and tells them stories about himself. It�s always about himself. Why is the kid so fucking self centered with this shit? No fuck it, you can hide in the yard, you know as well as I do that you will never get in here, even when I invite you, because you are really scared of me, that�s the whole point of this correct? He needs to make a good first impression, the kid. If he doesn�t make the cut in the first few rehearsals, he�s not going to make the cut, and then he will have no drama series to star in. He�ll have no friends. Come on I invite you in all the time, just because you freak me out like Norman Bates doesn�t mean I can�t be your friend, come on be a man! The kid is ready to star in another series, but this time he�s ready to just settle for a romantic comedy, no more dramas and thrillers. I told you before I�d pour you a cup of coffee and we�d talk over cigarettes and Thelonius Monk or something. He thinks he passed all of his classes and passed all of the tests he needed to take for this. You can tell me where it is you got your style. One minute he thinks he�s got his hand on an Oscar performance, the next he�s David Hasselhoff. You can tell me where you learned to watch me from, when you started. He likes the new girl he met a whole lot, she seems like a keeper to him, he hopes anyway, not anything anyone can do about it either. You think you are driving me crazy, when it�s certainly the other way around. He pictures things in his head, his imagination of film endings and living happily ever after. You can�t drive me crazy, I don�t think about you enough. He has thoughts of how things would begin, and how different they would be from all the other times in his past. I only see you when I want to see you, tonight happens to be one of those nights. He knows what he wants now, he knows how to do things a whole deal better than he did a year ago anyway. So I�ll give you the attention you so craved, and then see you in what a week or so? He realizes what he�s done in the past and wants to change it now. Maybe a month? He sure does have an itchy trigger finger, yet he won�t jump the gun this time. Maybe you could come by every night, I swear I won�t mind. He won�t jump ship. If you have the time. He knows how to love and all of that good stuff. Who else do you visit with? He knows when he stumbles upon something. I�d like to meet the others. He knows when he�s being bad, and when he is telling the truth. I�d like to see if they give you as much attention as me and my lonely old self. He has absolutely no reason to be a bullshit artist to her like the others. You know I�m lonely, is that what this is all about? He will tell her everything he knows about himself that she wants to sit through. You know I�m driving around empty streets and walking into empty apartment buildings. He wants to sit through everything she�s ever been through. You watch me enough, you know me even better. He knows nothing, but is sad about her. Are you watching me now, watch me disappear. He�s sad about something there. You�re not going to see me for a long as time. He is sad because he thinks she might not know what the hell she�s getting into. I�m going to fucking disappear, poof. He wants to make everything alright though. Fuck that, I take the invitation back. He wants to make sure he tells her the secrets of a million years ago. If I pay no fucking attention to you, you can�t bother me anymore. He wants to disappear with her. If I leave, you can�t bug me any more. He wants to know if it�s real, he gives himself tests. You�ll never find me. He tells himself everything is okay. You will take up with another lonely guy in his room. He tells himself to just take her and disappear. You can�t have me anymore. Me and her, I think something good will come out if this, we�re going to disappear and never come back. We�re going to form a team and get the fuck out of Dodge.

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