Oh Joy!
2000-09-19 || that guy on the cover of Black Sabbath Paranoid
Soundtrack � Black Sabbath � Sabotage

So it�s a small world after all. It is a small world. We are all connected somehow. That six degrees of Kevin Bacon is a scam, as we are all actually connected somehow. However the connection is, or how ironic it may be, I am still surprised and shocked when I find things out, or just how things pan out in the end. I�ve had a very ironic situation happen today that I am too tired to completely write down here, it�s just weird though. Hopefully all parties involved will be feeling as well as I am mentally in another month and a half as well though. Right now I feel real good. Opening things up. Meeting and talking with Angela makes me happy. I just got off the phone with her after two hours, until the phones died immediately. Anyway, it�s early yet, but I do like her quite a bit, even if I�ve only really started talking to her a few days ago. It�s strange how things work out. It�s strange how things connect and sort of work themselves out for the good if you just let them. One shitty thing happens, and then a good thing comes along right after. Case in point:

I try to do my best in social settings. I know on here a lot of times I talk about hating people, and not wanting to meet people, and this and that, in actuality, I�m usually in a good mood, I like new people, I like talking to people. It�s that little window of time here and there when I just don�t want one person to come near me. These times are few and far between though, and I�m usually online when it happens, so I end up writing about it on here. Not that those feelings aren�t honest, I just know how I feel most of the time. If anything, I get good writing exercises done out of those moods. So I try and do my best with people, saying the correct things, doing the correct things. If someone doesn�t appreciate that though, I don�t think I can handle it. I can�t deal with the people who can�t handle someone being straight up with them. I can�t play games at this stage in my life, especially with women. I�m not going to play the games, I�m not going to be a cat chasing a mouse, I�m not going to waste my time if I feel it�s not going to be worth it. Denial is something I experience from time to time. I deny things I think aren�t going to bother me. I have no idea what does this to me. Getting stuck in the moment I guess. I recently went through weeks of denial. Thinking I knew what I wanted. I obviously didn�t do any thinking twice. I look at words in here from then to see if I was actually serious. Yup, I was actually serious. What exactly did I think I was going to get out of what I already saw? Who knows, either way, I haven�t really been let down by anyone, or lost trust in anyone or anything like that, I just feel like I made the right decision by getting out while I can so to speak. I throw feelings out from time to time. It�s easy, easy as pie. It makes me happy to get rid of things. Like when you empty your recycling bin on the computer, that�s a great feeling man. Better than anything in the world. O I just throw this shit out of my head like nobodies business. I couldn�t do that with Heather. It was different with her. That was some serious shit that I dragged all the way to Nashville and back, and I never �threw out� those feelings, I just wanted to make things good, and realize that being dramatic and attention starved was going to get me nowhere. There�s still some issues floating around in my head, but I feel better, as recent as tonight after a 20 minute phone call. I can�t question other peoples intuition or any thing like that, I just hope things work out. I try not to listen to the rumors and statistics when I don�t really have to, and I am now just keeping my mouth shut. If someone knows what they�re doing, I�m not getting in the way. But I did not just throw that stuff out, it spent a lot of time in me, and was way too important to toss aside. Anyone who has read anything between June 6th and say�August 5th in this thing will know what I�m talking about since, it is ALL about that situation and what it did to me this summer. There�s a few others here and there, and a whole bunch of stuff that makes no sense to anyone but me, but that�s the way it�s supposed to be, and will remain to be. I can�t get rid of those issues or feelings, and refuse to. It�s all good though. I�m happy right now that I�m happy, and I�m glad she�s happy with whatever she has going on. I still can�t do things I would like to do from time to time, but whatever, this is good right now. Everything is good but work I guess. I�m not enjoying work (who enjoys work though, besides�lifeguards in Southern California?). Today I get in and don�t even have my bag or coffee down on the desk and I�m barraged with questions and comments and whatever under the sun. I just get in from being in traffic on the highway and red lights and all of that nastiness and I have to deal with that, come on! I want to just sit down and get my shot together first ya know? This mixed with us negotiating a new contract is hell, and then the woman at work. Oh shit the woman at work. I am completely wired right now, but feel I really should get to sleep.


before & after