Oh Joy!
2000-09-17 || medium to heavy flow
Soundtrack � your mother

So this is the second day in a row that I�ve woken up with a headache. Yesterday was pretty self explanatory though. Today I�ve just been coughing all morning. I feel like a loser as I slept past 10am today. I hate sleeping that late. I have all this energy and nowhere to go right now. I can�t stand that I can�t just call someone at 11 am and make plans to go out now. Tara and I did that a lot. We would go out in the morning and do shit. The people I know now are mostly night people. I am too I guess, but I am also a morning person. I�m not an afternoon person though. I feel strange in the afternoon.

No more phone calls and no more e-mails and no more visits to the doctor and no more visits to the girl with the eyes and no more greeting cards and no more bad poetry and no more guitars tuned like a Rolling Stone trying to impress no more crystals helping me get through the week no more people telling me what is best for me and no more time to myself spent crying and wondering what the right door is to open and no more time for budweiser and empty stares and kisses there�s no real time for any of this really right now. My horoscope might tell me to watch out what I�m doing right now, but I can�t be bothered with that false stuff. No card or planet is really going to be able to figure out what I need and want right now. What�s the best way then? I guess going through the correct channels and avoiding the things of my past that lead me here in the first place would be the first step. All the things of the past are just that now, a thing of the past. I can enjoy a conversation now without being cynical and negative. I have those people in my life, some of them I just can�t be around though. I still can�t believe I let myself get tricked and thrown into some silly little situation so quickly. Everything I said I was against I did, but what the hell, it�s fun here and there. Especially when you think of how many of those people there are in the world around you from time to time. The confused. The attention starved. The ones who catch your eye for some reason. You think you could just forget all those things about them that bug you. I know as well as any of my friends that know me well that I could never settle for less than I want. I know for a fact that I would turn into a serial killer if I had to put up with some of the bullshit witnessed. So why did I fall into it then? I guess for attention. Who doesn�t like attention? Random kissing here and there sure doesn�t really do anything for me. That kind of attention is for the 14-19 year old crowd, or in some cases, the 20-25 year old crowd. I�m just glad I�m not a sucker like some folks I know. I�ve known a few of these people, who change their tone of voice when talking to a girl that they know. The voice gets higher and �sweeter�. It�s obvious, and it makes me laugh, and always point it out. Shit, I�d love it if my guy friends talked to me in a nice sweet voice. : ) I think that I am going to change my approach and start doing that. Make sure I have the best possible shirt I have on at a time when I know girls are going to be around, and then start talking like Julio Eglasias. That�s how I�m going to go about getting girls from here on out. I�m not going to continue being myself. So, fuck I did a similar thing as this. I played a part. Played the game. Went with the flow. �Oh yeah, I�m always getting wasted and fooling around with girls and telling secrets and lies�. I set myself up like that. I did it last year and almost got my ass kicked for it. Going a little too far with a girl with a gigantic boyfriend. She told me she didn�t like him that ride home. She told me that I was really cool. She told me not to worry about him and just pull into this dark place over there. She told me everything would work out fine. Well I guess in retrospect for a night it did �work out� fine, but regardless I�m not going to trick myself into those anymore. Sluts and gangsters. I�m a good boy, with good intentions. I�m a good man with a head on my shoulder that likes to make little phone calls and make little gifts and do all of that old man shit. None of this fast lane stuff helps me. I�m all over the social activity now, but I think I�m doing the right thing with this bus right now.

So last night was good. I think I already wrote about this, but. I like the girl, she�s cool. No pretension, and no attitude. Seems pretty normal in an all around sense of the word. I barely know her right now, but it seems like I would spend a long time with her if something does transpire. I like her friends that I�ve met so far, and her music taste seems pretty good, although not as huge as mine, mostly hardcore and that kind of thing. We barely did anything last night, but it was a million times better than the last situation I think. I sort of knew what was going on, I didn�t feel like I was in the dark, after being told I was in the light. If I can feel comfortable and not give a shit what anyone thinks, then I have succeeded in this whole thing. I feel like that right now. I haven�t had any bullshit come out of me all weekend. Again though, I never have anything to say when things are going well. So I�m forced to write about hip-hop music and that kind of thing in the mean time. I just let way too much other shit get in the way. Insecurty. What other people will think. What I feel like and figuring that out. Too much analyzing makes Christian a bad boy. Going with the flow seems like the best thing to do right now. Not getting involved with the rumor mill. Ha, nobody knows names names it works better. The only thing that could possibly be bad was the other night talking to her and I was talking to her about someone I can�t remember the context, but I said �Yeah, they had some really boring last name like Smith or something� �My last name is Smith� she replied. Ha! I�m such a geek sometimes, as I turn red from instances like this. It�s the afternoon and I have shopping to do like a good boy should be doing. I may finally break down and buy some of those jeans everyone is wearing nowadays. Fashion boy from hell.


before & after