Oh Joy!
2000-09-14 || wait, you're telling me you ripped up my photo?
Soundtrack � Lester Young � Complete Verve Sessions Disc 5

So this tenor saxophone is probably one of the finest sounding horns ever put to wax, just thought I�d say that. Shit I love the internet. I�m currently downloading the Phish show from Friday night in mp3 format. I�ll have CD�s of a concert I was at less than a week later. Not too shabby at all. So I got to some thinking today and I feel like shit right now. Sarah from London(formally) wrote me �you didn�t wish me a happy birthday�, when in fact I honestly was geared up to send her an e-card Friday, as I could have sworn that she shared a birthday with my friend, and drummer of my band, Breaux. Anyway, the �conversation� ended as soon as it began. I haven�t written her in quite a few. I procrastinate and procrastinate, when I really do love these people. I just get lazy, I have no real excuse not to be there for someone, or see how someone is doing�so I stop there. So later on after that I called Heather and we talked for a couple of minutes, maybe because of the hour of the day getting ready to leave, etc, and her being home sick or �partied too hard� made it strange, but it just seemed like we had nothing to say. I�m not going to just say �oh well� though. I can�t say that to either of these situations. It�s like this. I know myself pretty well now, I know how I have treated people in the past, and my history shows that. Sometimes I look like I just don�t give a shit. I give a shit, I just don�t know how to show it I guess. I�ve been having a hard time lately dealing with my social skills and how I look at people and judge people. I don�t think I�m some sort of asshole, but I need to improve something.

Crushes. I�ve had so fucking many of them in my life I should write a book about them all. Maybe John Hughes could make a film out of it. Anyway, whenever I have one I get into this mode of almost like �I�m not single right now�. That sounds sort of psychotic in a way, but I can�t concentrate on any other person. There�s a few different kinds that I get. The long distance one (example: the redhead in the book store in 1990. I bought so many fucking books that year. I wasn�t going in there standing behind shelves peering through the psychology books ironically. I was extra shy boy back then, and I�m sure I was obvious, as I was buying tons of French poetry and art books. But it was fun, I pretty much knew how it would turn out. I never really met her, and it went away) Then there�s the once removed type (example: a friend says �my friend Sally is single and really cool, this is her� You get to know the person a whole lot easier, and this usually is the best one. Even these ones though, I�ve had a million can not work out though. Recently I was involved in this sort of situation and it�well, nothing, it just sort of left my brain as quick as you can say �ummmm not sure�) The last, and potentially dangerous one is the crush on a friend. This can go a couple different ways, bad, or good. The middle ground doesn�t happen overnight. Right now I feel strange. I don�t think I�ve honestly felt like I do currently, and for the past few months. I did this. I dove into something as fast as I could. Now I�m just confused, depressed, and whatever else you can think of over it. I don�t have a day that goes by when I don�t think of the whole situation and how I could have approached it differently. Right now I feel like I only have a few good phone calls here and there and run ins from time to time, but I am still uncomfortable about the whole thing in general. Uncomfortable enough to stop talking about it now. So these fucking crushes I get that aren�t that big of a deal leave me. They fly out of me like a bat out of hell. They leave my head and heart and go somewhere else. Yeah, another girl to put on my mind. I can�t just brush people and feelings aside as if they never happened, but right now any of these crushes I�ve had, the big ones and the small ones are out of me. They don�t exist whatsoever in any form. It�s not something that moves me in any good way. The latest news is that I am wasting my time. The story I wanted to write about tonight was how I was fooled again. What�s behind doorway number one? This. Another episode with the same exact ending. Another group of people to not trust. Okay, here�s another 10 people you shouldn�t trust. I never trusted that fucking kid. I never trusted him because he never looked me in the eye when he was saying something worthwhile. Bullshit. He thought he had bullshit down to a science, too bad I could see through him like a freshly windexed window. As clear as the toilet water after two good flushes. Anyway, he comes around on my only date bringing heat with him and uncomfortable stares and glances for all parties involved and then calls me on my bullshit as soon as he catches up on it. Yes this is what I am doing tonight. I lied to you a few minutes ago because I could. You didn�t catch it as you were trying to hard to get your bullshit in order. You need speed, you need a better eye, and you need to wash your mouth out. I don�t trust the boys that bring heat and confrontation with them to the table. I don�t trust the boys that treat my girl friends like queens, only to be talking like a dog about them a minute before. I don�t care for that bullshit, especially if I know the girl is probably going to be into the guy for some reason beyond my comprehension. I don�t want high maintenance. I want it all. I want it the way I think I want it. No distractions and passing go, and rolling dice and driving into trees. Been there, done that. If I want to get laid, I know exactly where to go, I know exactly what to do. Who the fuck wants to get laid though? Well�I�ll just say I really truly want something solid right now, without having to jump through any flaming hoops.

There are all sorts of things that are making me happy. Happier than the past few days. I just need to remember how to leave them going for days at a time. I need to remember that it�s me that is desiring contentment and happiness. Don�t be selfish, but I really have to be selfish and self centered right now, because�I just fucking have to be. Reading some of the other diaries here, it seems like there�s a whole lot of loneliness and that kind of thing. Strange, I have made some nice friends here, and we�re all talking about feeling lonely. Maybe we should all just get an apartment somewhere and not be lonely. Ha. I hope in six months time I can look back at this time in my life and it will be good. It will be a learning thing. I�m glad I have written all of this down. I�m glad some people have written me and shared similar feelings and emotions. It�s good to feel that from strangers, it�s the whole point in a way. I complain and complain that I hate people and want to be alone all the time. This can�t be further from the truth. I want something. I want something new right now. I feel stagnant, and then I feel like some people just can�t be bothered with me anymore. If that�s the case, so be it, but I really do feel like shit from day to day thinking about this stuff. I appreciate the people who have read some of my entries and became friends with me. It makes this feel a little worth it. Even if it has pissed some people off, confused others, and generally been filled with negative things. I mean well most of the time. Having a bad temper is a thing of the past at this point though, and I�d rather just come here and bitch and complain than let it boil inside of do like Fred Durst says and �break stuff�. If someone is insulted or hurt by words in here, so be it. Any of my friends who I�ve told about this thing I�ve told �It�s my journal, so don�t be surprised if something pisses you off. I don�t take any responsibility for what I might spew out of my fingers from time to time�. Sure that�s a silly disclaimer, but I do have a few �real life� friends that read this, and I�m pretty sure they understand this at this point. If not�well, they can slap me when I see them.

I knew you before. You were short. Not the most interesting person I had ever met, but nonetheless a bit intriguing. I never predicted where we would be years later though. You would be talking to me about all sorts of stuff. You would be that girl that I worshipped like a goddess. �The best girl out there� I told friends. I was proud to be with you. I was happy 50% of the time with you. The other 50% of the time I was real fucking happy. It was natural to be with you. Oh, but of course it�s you. You�re the one, obviously. We knew what we would eat, and what we wouldn�t eat. We knew how to make each other happy. You knew how to kiss me. You knew exactly when to kiss me. We knew each other well, yeah. Right now though�your face is there in my head. It�s blurry though. It gets blurrier even when I look at pictures of you. It gets blurry when I talk to you now. When I see you now we have a lot to talk about. I love that about us, we still have a million things to talk about. I�ve never tired of you, and I trust that you never tire of me in that way either. Things don�t work out, and some people are not necessarily made for each other. I really though the opposite with you though. Your laughter fit perfectly with my jokes. Your jokes made my smile bigger than it ever could be. I was always proud to have you sitting across from me in a restaurant. No money could have replaced it. No other woman could replace it. No feeling in the world could replace that contentment and dedication I had to all of it. I tell myself I�m over you, this past weekend I had to think �I have to be over her now, what am I going to do?�. I want one thing though. I want your twin to come and take me away from this place I�m in right now. I want your twin to come and sweep me off my feet like you did in Harvard Square that first day. I want your twin to come and take anything from me she wants. I want you to tell her how amazing it was. I want you to ignore the �end of the story�. Just tell her I called and wanted to just go sit somewhere and talk. No pressure. No copycat business. No silly looks. I want to be introduced to her, as none of your sisters live around here whatsoever. Twenty feet above me, or twenty feet below me, none of them down on earth with me though. Why is that? Gravity was no problem with you and I. The phone lines always sounded crystal clear. I know what I want right now, I either can�t tell anyone because they don�t want to hear it, or because I don�t feel I�m ready to get that far. I just want to talk to someone about this. Do you even have a sister? Do you have a twin? Can you do me anymore than you already did? Can you pull me out of this mud and roses mixture on the bedroom floor? I�ll always remember you, but I�ll remember even more if you help me out just once more.

before & after