�There�s something wrong when all the efforts you have made are hiding in your room�

It�s funny the silly little things that stick out in my head. It�s funny how a scent, or a sound, or a word someone says sticks in your head. It stays in there. If it�s a good memory, if it�s a bad one. It just stays with you to haunt you, or bring pleasant feelings to you. All day today I�ve had these kinds of things. Let me back up a little though�

So I started writing in this thing a few months ago, March 29th to be exact�I think. Over the course of the past few months I�ve achieved a few things. I�ve started writing more. Not just in here, but writing in another �private� journal, some more stories, and more songs for the band. This is a good thing. Not to sound conceited in the least bit, but I think I�ve become a better writer when it comes to creative things. Practice never hurts a man I guess. One thing I did tell myself though, was that I would be as honest as possible about anything. This has happened for the most part. I do like to make stories up though, and a lot of the time I have just thought of how I would like something to be, and wrote it like that way. The way I wanted it to be in a way. Over that time period I enjoyed, and suffered through a few major things. One of the good things was my 3rd trip on the road by myself. I went twice before and �freaked out� a little and had to drive home. Deciding you need to go home immediately at 10am in Virginia Beach, Virginia is not a good idea, unless you�re up for driving for fourteen and a half hour�s in a car by yourself without stopping�well for gas once. Another significant thing that happened was getting �involved� with a good friend. This happened right before I went away on my trip. It sort of started and ended, I�m not going to even go into �the story�, as I think I�ve covered it plenty in here about a million times. I�m not going to go into apologies, or taking back words, or any of that. It�s been strange, as the same girl reads this page often. So over the course of a few months she got my thoughts here, through e-mails, in person, and over the phone. We discussed this a couple of times. Four different relationships, none of them really the same. I decided pretty recently that this was no way to go about things, and have tried to balance them out to one relationship. Just a normal thing. I think it�s better than it was anyway. It�s strange to even write about it here now, knowing that she (you�re) reading this. I haven�t really written about any of it here in quiet a bit. Comments about flogging a dead horse come to mind. Either way, I look forward to just moving forward and trying to be normal. Not because I want to forget everything. Not because I am distracted from what existed at one time. Not one person is going to change anything I felt, or make me completely forget anything. Right now though, I have feelings and emotions I need to let out. I have ideas, I have memories, memories that are barely a day old, small events, small things people say, scents I thought about all day. Staying honest again is my policy here. This is what I feel like right now, or what I�m thinking, or what�s inside me because it�s there and wants to come out in some form or another. It�s just a series of thoughts I had all day. It�s a coincidence. It�s a ghost. It�s a story. It�s inside me. It�s been there for a short time. It�s been occupying a part of me for a little while now. It�s not the reason for me sleeping though. It�s no reason for anything but the honesty. I can�t even put any of it into words. So I stall and re-think my plan. I have to think it over. Is this even true. Oh yeah, it�s a coincidence. I�m not going to make anyone uncomfortable, it�s no tin my plan. Hell, I don�t have any plan. Continuing in the tradition of being the good guy. Continuing to try to live up to something for you. Continuing to not wear a frown. I have no idea what it is about you. Nothing is sitting on the table in front of me. There�s no list of things. There�s something, it�s just unclear right now. I can�t listen to the newspapers and eleven o�clock news broadcasts to know what�s up. I�m not going to consult Dionne Warwick on this one. It�s there. It�s here now. It�s arrived. Something put these short term memories and events inside me. What have you done to me? Sabrina. What the hell did you put in my drink? I can�t think of what I was thinking in mid-July about this. I had ideas, small ones nonetheless, but I thought of you a little bit that one night. The cigarette gestapo hated me that night. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I turn into such a little kid. I wave hello and goodbye. That�s the only thing I really remember about July whatever it was. Waving goodbye at the end of the night and coming home and wondering why I remembered the look on your face from that stupid little kid wave of mine. That was the last I saw of you for a long time. What seemed like a long time anyway. I hate to be easy. I hate to run. I ran too many times. I always ran into a wall when I would run. I ran into a wall and fell on my face. I forgot that I wanted to be hard. I didn�t want to be easy about anything. It�s not in my style. So I�m quiet, what�s the big fucking deal? I have a voice I swear I use to soften things up from time to time. I use it to melt ice cubes and damaged hearts. It�s not in my agenda right now though. It�s not a good part of me. I�m no witch. A black witch. I�m not that I swear to god. I�m just me and you�re just you. It�s all how it�s dealt with now. It�s on my mind a lot right now�it�s not taking me over completely though. Again, I don�t want to run. Last night we ran. Back the car up now. It�s going to start from the beginning at some point in time I promise. It�s going to be a different thing. It�s a different reason. It was real last night. It wasn�t really the way I thought of anything, but it worked for the moment. I have so many good things to give, and so many things I want to do. I just don�t want to run. All parties involved are important to me. The vote is an overwhelming �yes� I think. I just can�t run. Sorry, I�m wearing these boots to gain an inch on you, and so I don�t have to run. I can walk slowly. Lay back. The sneakers go in the closet for the fall now. I once thought I wanted to run into you, now I just want to walk around with you through all of this. I swear this is what I want. This is how I feel about it all at 2:30 AM on September 4, 2000.

Out-

before & after