Oh Joy!
2000-09-03 || the walk from the car, and the drive home
Soundtrack � Miles Davis � Round About Midnight

Endings are always sad, no matter how cheesy they are, or whatever. So last night I learned they were closing the bar down that we go to. It�s sort of a �complex�, there�s three bars together, a �pool/jock/rock and roll� bar, a �jazz/blues� bar, and then the outdoor/normal music whatever� bar. The bartenders and bouncers found out on Thursday. Tonight was the last night they would be open. I went with Shawn and Sarah and Dan and Steve and Tracey. Just about every single one of our friends went. I had 4 beers and 4 scotch on the rocks, and I�m actually able to type this (thank you Word 97, and your spell check/grammar check little ass of yours�the backspace key is my enemy though)�Either way, I had a to of fun. I was happy to see all of my friends, except Matt who didn�t show up. A far cry from last nights episode of silliness. It was sad seeing all the bartenders hugging each other and the guy that we used to hate said �I loved serving all of you�, he was drinking while bartending all night�Tony was dancing, and it was a damn funny sight to see. He was hugging this giant black guy that was there, and started spitting beer everywhere�pretty funny stuff�

So here it is in a nutshell. I did something silly. I am a different guy for it I guess. I have to be honest, I feel different than I did a month ago right now. I don�t regret anything at all though. I said I would never deny my passion, or put it away in the closet for good. That was a big moment for me, or a big few months here. It was a dramatically charged event that shed a lot of light on to what I am, and what people see me as. I sometimes regret things I�ve said here and there, but I�ve never regretted building those feelings. It�s funny that the amount of feelings inside me turned into this unconditional love or something like that. This whole time I�ve gone crazy, I�ve become myself, and gone crazy at the same time. I invented this whole personality in my diary. This person of silliness and foolishness. This character of someone who�s so not me. Attention. It always goes back to attention. I pay attention. I listen in on conversations. Arriving at the bar tonight I was sitting by myself outside while sort of observing for about an hour�This person would smile at me�this person would invite me to their table�Steve and Tracey were there�Dorian�Renee�old friends from a long ass time ago. Jeremy�there was a band doing Phish and Grateful Dead covers upstairs, and Jeremy and I checked the band out when we heard them doing a Phish song�very surreal. So I�m sitting there observing everyone, contemplating leaving the place for a little while. Why, to come here and bitch and moan and complain about everything and everyone? I can�t do that anymore. I write that here, and anyone reading this, if they click on the entry before this, they�re going to say�what a fool�what a liar. I don�t lie though. So yeah. I�m sitting there starting to feel a little drunk, sort of having a conversation with myself�I looked over and saw Heather and people taking and went over and got in on it. Maybe I�m being to analytical about everything. I liked people tonight, I rarely act like I like people though. I don�t give respect. I don�t give anything but childish remarks, and no waves goodbe. Inside I know this is how it�s supposed to be right now. Hello�.Hello there you�.My friend�Leaving the bar tonight�.I like the company she gives me, that�s all it�s about right now. I want to be nice and sweet the best way I can. I can do that I think�I can�t do things like this though. I want my head to remember moments and situations. Things like this can sober a man up though. Do I feel stupid? No, I feel good right now. I feel like I should feel on the last weekend of summer I guess. I feel like I could become something everyone wants. I feel like I could live up to Sugar Ray Leonard, I just can�t do that for the sake of doing it, or because I don�t know what�s going on. I know what�s going on, I just need to remember every moment. I just need to remember everything. These feelings aren�t a flash in the pan. They aren�t just going through the motions. Shit I�m still drunk�.I�ll try and elaborate tomorrow..

before & after