A long Saturday with nothing to jump up and down about. I like attention, have I told you that. Well, who doesn�t. I hate it, yet like it. I was brought coffee at work today, which was a nice early afternoon thing to happen before I left. Yet again, the girls with the coffee for me. I had plans with Christian though so�Tonight went to the bar, struggled through a mixed drink until about halfway through and just said out loud �what the fuck am I doing?�. There was some sort of Rockabilly band playing in the place, we thankfully sat outside though. Matt and Tony came out a while later, followed by those same guys from last week, the cast of Swingers. Stephanie also showed up with some guy who seemed like he was unaware that it was now the year 2000, as he looked like a member of Rancid. I normally don�t judge people by how they look, but I do have opinions about people who look like they take just a little too much time to look a certain way. Give it a rest. Puh-leeze. I am realizing day by day that I just can�t do it anymore. I look around, sober, at the people around me, and think back to years ago, when I turned twenty-one. When I turned twenty-one, I stopped drinking. Not that I was a heavy drinker. Up until 1998 I was probably drunk maybe 20 times in my life, peer pressure? Bad timing? Not being around the people I think I want to be around? None of these really, it�s just that I feel so much like I�m going through the motions. I laugh my ass off when I think of how people actually can do this every night. Barely twenty-five and they have the liver of a sixty year old man. I mean I guess it�s the prerogative of anyone to do what they please. I�ll just never understand the attraction. I know precisely why I drink on certain occasions. I always know exactly why I�m drunk. It�s always some girl. It�s always someone. It�s always peer pressure. I hate the night time versions of the girls. I hate the two am version. I hate how they look blurry eyed like that. I hate how they look like zombies. I hate that they are looking worn and aged at such a young age, and they have no clue. I hate that they have just not seen enough crap go down as a result of alcohol abuse. I hate that most people are just ignorant about these things, and they don�t really know limits. This is your life. My life is these people. It kills me that I feel like I have to conform, or be looked at strange. �Oh, he�s NOT drinking tonight�again�, �Oh, he�s being different�. It�s a fun casual hobby. I enjoy the feeling from time to time. But I saw my friends mother drink herself to death. I learned how to suck dick as a little boy, because of some alcoholic pervert. I had a friend at seventeen have a whole engine block completely crush his body to a lifeless bloody mess because he was going so fast when he hit the tree that the engine came through the dashboard. So forming a habit to me is so foreign, so far away from me, that it�s hard to comprehend that people I think I know as intelligent people making these choices. I think I regard people pretty highly, especially my friends, lot�s of different people. Lot�s of different backgrounds, whatever. I just feel one step away from them though at all times. I don�t necessarily feel above them, just far away. When I witness things first hand I feel like leaving immediately. I like the daytime, sunlight version better. The nighttime version is no good. The weekend version is no good. What do I have to look at? Not the same person I talked to the other afternoon. Not the same person I knew. Nobody grew up here. I hate to look into the future. I see all sorts of drama, etc. I can�t be influenced by anyone to do anything. I can�t look up to anyone. I can�t feel any influence pointing me ahead. I only see roads that just bring me back to where I was ten years ago at this time. The summer is over. One more weekend of summer, and then it�s over. Pack it in. This was the summer I moved away. This was the summer I finally took a step back and looked at things from a completely different angle and realized a few things. This was the summer I�d rather never remember for as long as I live. This hasn�t been a summer. There was never a sunny day. These little boosts to the ego here and there are great, These little spells of adoration from strangers can make a person feel good. It doesn�t give me what I want though. Nobody is getting to me. One person got to me, and what happened? Your guess is as good as mine. Afterwards we look back and want to cry. Afterwards we want to forget thing and try to move along. The summer ends when we drain the blood on the sidewalk in front of that big statue. That big statue we kissed in front of. Not a statue, but a metaphor for a statue. Ha, more of that and I�ll never make sense again. I want to be clear and concise now. I want to move into the fall with this new vision. It�s a vision I�d love to share with at least someone, I don�t fucking know who, someone. I�d like to move along with a passenger to tell me how to drive. I�d like to be able to sing those songs to someone. I don�t find it here. I don�t find it there. My head is dizzy from too many words now. Let me go to sleep, and think about this and that and she and her and they and them. Let me sleep this all off. I�m so glad the night didn�t turn out like I had originally planned. I�m glad things don�t work out for me. I�m really happy that things don�t go smooth. I like that. Phone calls are all a joke now. Please, spare me. Please, don�t bother. It ain�t happening now, it ain�t happening then. It�s time for me to go to sleep and forget this all happened until tomorrow. It�s time to sleep on Sunday. My only day off, and I�m worrying about 87 different women.

before & after