Oh Joy!
2000-08-28 || Donald Sutherland
soundtrack - Coltrane - Impressions

I'm told by someone what to do every day. Someone tells me what I'm supposed to feel like every day. Someone makes me say "yes" to every favor asked of me. Someone dictates my every move from day to day. Wait, this is a lie, this the opposite of what happens every day. Where is my guide? Don't we all have some sort of spiritual guide that takes us through life? I tell myself I've made the right decision from time to time. Most of the time it's the wrong decision to someone, but I feel like it's the right one. I wonder every day if it would all change if I had someone here with me. I felt positive, I felt like I was doing something the last time I had someone next to me. So today I took a ride to some ocean areas, as it was sunny, warm, and I had nothing to do (not true) and was thinking "yes, this is it". I had the usual feelings inside while driving along by myself, similar ones, but on a much smaller scale, that I had when I went away earlier this summer. The "okay alcohol and drugs are definitely not helping me escape anything, they're actually bringing more on me" feelings. The way I see things from day to day is not real. The marijuana, it's not real. I don't get high anymore. I smoke it, but I don't get high. I drink, I feel drunk...I think. Is this what it feels like: your mouth feels a little strange, you have to piss constantly, you have no sense of balance, and you will say anything that comes to mind? Yes? Well, I don't really think that's a way I can conduct the daily business I need to conduct here. On the other hand, I talk to people that are feeling like that every time I see them, how am I supposed to think of them? I don't remember what a lot of my friends are like when they're sober. The daytime versions of them are so better, yet again. I don't remember what they're like. We met, and all got throw into this. Peer pressure, boredom, insecurity. The three main ingredients of all of it. Nobody would admit that, but it's mostly true. So, yeah, I'm having trouble being able to tell if someone is serious or not. The whole reason I am vague, cryptic, etc with everyone now, is I have no idea what state of mind they're in at a given time. If I think they're fucked up, what is the purpose of being serious? What is their reason for wanting information. Are you really taking me serious right now? Are you going to remember me in the morning. Are you going to remember my face tomorrow. I never remember a face in the morning. I never remember a voice. It's all different every night. It's all a big chorus of voices and songs I don't care to hear. It's all a big mess of words. I like throwing my odd words in here and there. I like keeping people guessing. There's only so much of it I can do until someone turns around and says "okay, you're an asshole". You can't just throw love and compassion, and caring and respect into the air for no reason. It takes so long to build, and to just throw it out there and not have it come back to you feels shitty. So is the way things are in August of 2000 I guess. So are things from now on? Do I really need to have these little things here and there to keep me interested? Do I need these little episodes and things that are supposed to make you feel positive happen as much as they do. Well, as rare as they do? I continue on this path as long as it takes me apaprently. This path of mostly defeats, few victories. A path of absolute nothingness. An occassional kiss on the lips, but never one on the soul. Somebody needs to come and hit my soul with something soon. Somebody needs to play with me. I won't come out of the sandbox until then.

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