Oh Joy!
2000-08-22 || if I had a dime for every time
Soundtrack � Bob Dylan � Time Out Of Mind

The most romantic record of all time�well of the past few years, is this Dylan record. I would recommend it to anyone. Not really romantic in the sense that it�s something you�d listen to it with your loved one, romantic in the overall feel of it. Whatever it is, it moves me somewhere.

So I�ve fallen into some sort of cycle I think. The weekend, the time you are supposed to be having fun and good times I have a good time, inside though, way deep inside I feel like shit. I feel like punching a wall. Why does this happen? I don�t know. It�s the thing that�s inside me at all times. It always comes out when I don�t want it to come out. The 1:37 am thing. The part of me that nobody needs to be introduced to. Here�s what I am made of, whether I like it or not. I want my cake, and eat it too. I want everything. I want everything to go my way. If it doesn�t go my way, I don�t want it to go okay for anyone else. I want something from everyone. I want attention. I am a sucker for attention. I�m a fucking asshole for attention. I am a fucking child looking for attention at all times. This is me in a nutshell. A baby with no friends, because he can�t handle social behavior like everyone else. He can�t be in a crowd obviously! Who�s going to pay attention to him when he�s in with all these other good folks? He isn�t standing out like he feels like he damn well should. Oh well, I feel like an idiot yet again. Hence the cycle. There�s a couple things that will stop this. I�m not getting into it right now though.

So I went to the Red Sox game tonight, I left thinking they left and they apparently won in the eleventh inning. I went with the woman from work. I need to talk to her or something. I just don�t like her in the way that she does. I can�t deal with the invasion of personal space. I don�t think anyone likes that. When it�s someone you love it�s always open. But anyone else that gets too close is just getting me agitated. Get me out please.

My mouth is shut.

I�ve never posted lyrics on my page, but I feel it�s a good thing from time to time, as I did this afternoon. Here are the words to one of the songs off the Dylan record I mentioned above. This song is one of the best songs on here, and it hit a nerve when it came out as I my girlfriend of a pretty long time had broken up with me:

Standing In The Doorway

I'm walking through the summer nights

Jukebox playing low

Yesterday everything was going too fast

Today, it's moving too slow

I got no place left to turn

I got nothing left to burn

Don't know if I saw you, if I would kiss you or kill you

It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow

You left me standing in the doorway, crying

I got nothing to go back to now

The light in this place is so bad

Making me sick in the head

All the laughter is just making me sad

The stars have turned cherry red

I'm strumming on my gay guitar

Smoking a cheap cigar

The ghost of our old love has not gone away

Don't look like it will anytime soon

You left me standing in the doorway crying

Under the midnight moon

Maybe they'll get me and maybe they won't

But not tonight and it won't be here

There are things I could say but I don't

I know the mercy of God must be near

I've been riding the midnight train

Got ice water in my veins

I would be crazy if I took you back

It would go up against every rule

You left me standing in the doorway, crying

Suffering like a fool

When the last rays of daylight go down

Buddy, you'll roll no more

I can hear the church bells ringing in the yard

I wonder who they're ringing for

I know I can't win

But my heart just won't give in

Last night I danced with a stranger

But she just reminded me you were the one

You left me standing in the doorway crying

In the dark land of the sun

I'll eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm dry

And live my life on the square

And even if the flesh falls off of my face

I know someone will be there to care

It always means so much

Even the softest touch

I see nothing to be gained by any explanation

There are no words that need to be said

You left me standing in the doorway crying

Blues wrapped around my head

before & after