Shit I can�t breathe tonight. I got home a while ago and put the TV on to find the Red Sox score, I ended up flicking the channels for far too long and realized why I don�t really like watching it much now! I guess it worked though, as I did get sucked in. Perhaps I�m just tired and couldn�t be bothered to get up and type. That can never happen. I�m never too tired to write some words down. Most of the time these late night rambles when I�m half asleep don�t really make sense, and I always make too many things up. I guess it�s fun that way.

I�m depressed now. I saw the Cowgirl this evening. All issues aside, and from the bottom of me, I wish it was just normal again. I know she wants it that way as much as I do, I just feel like I went too far, went too out of line, got too excited about things, got myself way too wrapped in things. Drama. What a killer for me. I think I�m some sort of actor apparently. I think I can just do what I want. I guess I can, it�s my prerogative like Bobby Brown says. Unfortunately I just feel way to strange and outside now that I�ve lost touch with any type of reality in that situation. I�m using avenues I never used before to solve problems, I�m using silly habits to get away from myself. I fool myself the most nowadays. I have no clue what I�m doing out there. Like I said to her�I almost wish my mistakes were public knowledge instead of hidden. I�m only lining myself up to fool again. I�m not even able to talk about this anymore-well right now. I�m tired as a horse.

before & after