Oh Joy!
2000-08-20 || her eyes are a blue million miles
Home on a Sunday afternoon thinking about the weekend and how uneventful yet enlightening it�s been so far. Still one more night left too! I planned on going to play some pool with the boys, I was supposed to make a phone call, but I�m going to blow it off I think. No room for thinking right now. In one ear and out the other. Down one road, and then down another. So I�m driving along this afternoon on a scenic drive I took up north early today and I was thinking of how I feel �bad� right now. Not bad in the �guilty� sense, I just feel like things are fucked up beyond repair right now, and it doesn�t bug me as much as it should. I know exactly why too. I�m in the opposite frame of mind I was in a month ago. If there was a way to explain what it is exactly that I want right now, I would, but that ain�t gonna happen. Keep on pushing the envelope is all I do with myself. Push people. I feel pushed into a corner. I feel like I have to make a move now. NOW. I kept getting that the other night in this tarot situation. I asked it the following questions: �When should I leave?�, �When do I finally realize I�m in the wrong place at the wrong time?�, and �Am I actually serious?� . Some of that makes sense I guess, otherwise it�s just pulling a piece of cardboard out of someone�s hand, there�s no way possible that could be anything but that. I couldn�t feel more free right now. Free from being held down to a certain way of thinking, free to a new outlook on people and things, free from the same old tired feelings day in and day out. I do not have any sort of crush on any person I can remotely even think of right now, and I doubt I will anytime soon. It�s all a waste of emotional space that I don�t need to give up anymore. I�m myself again after years of being a pussy. I�m back to normal now. No one I know currently knows me in the least bit. I�ve been someone else for 10 years now. I feel free again now. Not caring. Not feeling insecure. Not worrying about anyone but myself. There�s way too many fucked up people around me to even worry about them. They can go crashing into the wall�maybe I�ll walk by and help them up. Until then, I�m myself. If someone wants to get to know me, I�d love it, but I�m not going out of my way, not letting anyone know my true feelings, it�s all going to be way more blurry than it ever was to anyone. Vagueness keeps everyone on their toes. Keeps everyone waiting for something to happen. It�s how I am, how I�ll be, and how I was. My best friend is right here now. Compromise is not in my contract now, sorry. I felt alive being a fraud last night. I felt funny, I amused myself last night. Just doing a silly little experiment with myself, with others. It worked fine too. I got put into the situation I had planned to get myself into. Seeing how weak people can be. Seeing how they need something else to help them out. For things to feel okay and dandy they need to be under the influence. Anyone that wants to get close to me like that is certainly not going to find it under that disguise. It more than makes me want to puke, but makes me laugh at how right I am, and just how fucking weak they all really are. Lying. Fooling themselves. Trying to fool me. Trying to help their insecurity. Being a guy and rejecting a girl is not that common I guess. Being a guy and rejecting a good looking girl is even less common, but it�s the way I am. I can�t just have that for a night or two. This is the whole reason June�s situation has had such a profound affect on me. I can�t be let into that world, especially of someone I like a lot and then not be able to go back. It�s not some sort of ego thing, it�s just a big thing to me personally. I�m definitely not the type to just fool around with people, kiss people whatever. Hell, I get nervous when people touch me for no reason�But when it�s looked at as something that�s no big deal to others because �it didn�t mean much� it�s not good to me. There�s always going to be that one person who gets hurt somewhere. There�s that one guy who likes the girl and she teases him, or shows interest or whatever. Or the girl who goes out of her way to be seen by the boy and he never sees her because he�s too busy with the girls he meets from day to day, party to party. So last night I just couldn�t deal with anything like that. I�m not going to be some �it didn�t mean much� no matter what anyone says otherwise. I�m not going to settle for anything right now. Anyway, I took more of an interest in someone else last night anyway, so there.

before & after