Oh Joy!
2000-08-19 || Romper Room and the uncivilized waterfall of lies

I�m gonna let you in on a secret. I can�t love anymore. I don�t have any. Nothing to share inside me. I have all of these stupid words and actions but I feel so ridiculous using them nowadays. I can�t even date. I can�t imagine ever going on a date now. I can�t imagine going through all of those tired old routines working up to starting a relationship. Eventually this will come back to me I guess; right now, it�s gone. Embarrassment. Insecurity. Feeling uncomfortable. This is all of it in a nutshell. It�s all coming back to me now, the old relationships, the courtships, the first kisses, all of that. In the interest of sounding a little bitter, I could give two shits about the past right now. I have great memories sure, but what are those memories doing for me now? Nothing, yes. Sitting there like an old outdated phone book. Sitting inside me like a photo album collecting dust with pages stuck together. I have desire to fall in love again. I have big desires for that. I always want that. Right now though, I feel so jaded and uncomfortable all of the time that it seems like it�s not even worth the effort. Here�s a joke: Me sitting in some bar drinking, an attractive girl walks by, or maybe even sits at my table because she knows someone I�m with. I say �hello� and immediately feel insecure. Here�s another joke: Me sitting home on a Friday night complaining about love.

So yeah, I overreact sometimes. I�m a little bit more dramatic than the average person. But�so what. No big deal. Tonight was a shitty night. Tonight was a great night also. I love having the best of both worlds for a million reasons. You get a glimmer of hope from time to time. You catch a strange wave and ride it for a little while. It�s Friday night and I�m in this mood, that�s not right. I should so not be in this mood on a Friday night. At 7:15 tonight I did not for the life of me think I would be in this mood. At around 7:30 I said to myself �I�ll be writing some bitter, pissed off thing later, I know it.� Here I am. Not pissed, not bitter. Changed I guess is the correct word. I guess I�ll explain as honest as can be. I�ve lost hope in my feelings now. My feelings have gone the complete opposite direction in the past few weeks, and now more tonight. I�ve tried the best I can, as me, and how I am as a person, how I go about things, I�ve damn near tried my hardest. To say I�m waving a white flag is wrong, I don�t surrender anything. I give up. I quit. The evening was like a mountain range, up and down, and up and down. I went out late night tonight and had a couple of drinks, ran into a couple people that I thought I would want to run into at the bar. That failed miserably, and I realized something I already sort of knew, I�ll never be a drinker. I just cannot for the life of me enjoy it anymore. It�s such the opposite of me it�s not even funny. The scene I witnessed earlier in the night was pretty pathetic and out right boring the death out of me. I left the house feeling good, 90 minutes later I realized I was a changed man. Escaped prisoner of feelings I�ve developed. I felt it dwindling pretty recently anyway, but now it�s gone. I will now, yes you�re correct, never ever, enjoy myself in that setting for the remainder of my life. I cannot ever return. I just have absolutely nothing to do there. I have nothing to say. I have no one to see. It�s a scam in my eyes. All of those people from all over the world scare me, I couldn�t trust them for the life of me. Here shake this persons hand, you need to meet them, let me pour you a drink so you can relax here. Are you nervous? Are you bored? Are you not yourself tonight? Did you want to come here/ Did you want all of this? No I wanted none of this. I never want it, and I never will be able to relate�ever. It�s a million miles below me, and it�s a million miles away from where I want to be. I like how things look through clear glass windows, I don�t like how they look in the dark. I don�t like how they look fogged up like that. I don�t like it in the least bit. Warnings always seem like just words to calm me. I know what I get myself into. I know what I�m getting into now. I know exactly where I�m heading. It�s such a place I did not want to visit. It�s a part of me that did not want to come out. It�s the easy feeling. The easiest, weakest emotion there is, but it always has to come out in the face of weakness. It always comes out around this time. Big switches are shut off. Big ideas are buried. Big plans are thrown against the wall. I never want to go back. Never go back. Never go back. I�m a fool for thinking I knew where I was tonight. I�m a fool for falling into anything anyone ever tells me. I�m so stupid for ever listening to a word anyone ever says to me. I�ve said before I think everyone is full of shit. I�ve said before how I don�t trust anyone. I can never take anyone seriously. I can�t think of one person I that I actually take seriously. They�re all full of shit, every last fucking one of them. I don�t feel love. I don�t feel like anything I ever say is taken seriously. Why should I even care what goes on.? They ask questions, they ask for favors, they ask me stupid fucking questions while I humor them and their vodka breath. It�s 1:36 AM right now. I feel like throwing this computer at the wall right now. Not really, as it�s a nice computer, it�s my friend right now. As far as I can tell now, I am not taking anything seriously. I�ll humor every one I know until they�re content, but I�m not giving a fucking bit of effort to anything. I�m not giving any information out. I�m not going to be that stupid anymore. I don�t want to be forced to stare at an ashtray for an hour because nobody hears a word I say. Am I really that much of a fucking idiot, that I can be fooled? Shit I really hope I don�t send any signals now. I really hope I don�t send anything to anyone. There�s no love, there�s no care, and there�s certainly not an ounce of respect left in me for anyone in my area. Overreact. Yeah, overreact because your heart feels like it weighs a million pounds, yeah overreact because you know how much you hurt inside, yeah overreact because of how much you feel like you�ve just been yourself. That�s me, I�m overreacting again. I should calm down. My feelings should definitely be all over the place at thirty years old. That�s how it should be. Oh yes, this is me. This is how I want to feel. I love having this feeling stirring inside. This is the worst time I�ve had in a while, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs, it ain�t gonna happen though, I�m stuck here. Watching the same foolish fucking people around me, and doing the same fucking foolish things every night. Buy me a new life, somebody. This all sucks, and is not where I want to be ever again.

Again I see this girl they're trying to "set me up" with. The sole reason for going out drinking. She pretty much ignored me, this is good. I hear shit in the rumor mill. The options are now. Me, me, and me. I have a free night on New Years Eve, any takers?

before & after