Oh Joy!
2000-08-19 || I have a cup of ice cubes and a head full of useless knowledge about guitar players and trumpet players
soundtrack - John Lee Hooker

Okay, so it's 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday, I don't have a headache, I don't feel like shit, and I'm about fifteen minutes away from going to do some retail work for the morning. Last night I was in not the best of moods I guess. I'm let down by everyone I guess. Eventually it was bound to happen. The thing that hurts the most right now is knowing exactly where my feelings are headed. I did not want to go to that part of me. The worst thing is not being able to really believe anything anyone says now. There are a few people here and there that I know that are harmless and generally good people. Hell, they're all good people I guess, I just have absolutely nothing in common with them like I did five years ago. Watching people turn useless and boring at a young age is pretty depressing, but at this point it's not my problem to even worry about it anymore. I'm on the ninth floor as oppossed to their first floor. I'm not hearing anything. I see one side of someone one day, and then the other side the next day. I try to be the same on the outside at all times...well as much as possible. But for the most part it's useless. From here on out I will have a fine and dandy time humoring people, telling them what they want to hear, watching them spiral downwards, kill themselves. Strength among other things will pull me away slowly until I don't need anyone around here anymore. I have many useful tools in my own closet that I can't find any ambulance drivers that will even come close. I'm vague. Yeah, I'm cryptic and vague for sure. That's because my feelings were vague. My feelings were not complete. Currently they are completely clear. Clear as a bell. Survey says.....ummmmmm.....survey says....something nobody wants to hear. I guess being clear will be the best route at this point. If I change my mind again, please tell me I'm wrong. Please God, tell me I'm doing wrong. Don't even let me in. Don't allow me to stop the way I'm going now. This feels so fucking good, it feels fun. I like being up here. I love how I am doing now. A mess, a waste of space to some people. I love how I feel used. I love how I feel lied to and just bullshited. Friends, who the fuck needs them when you have family? Who the fuck needs them when you can always count on yourself to have a good time? I certainly don't. I look forward to being a complete liar now. I look forwards to playing games now. I look forward to hurting people's feelings. Let the games begin.

before & after