Oh Joy!
2000-08-18 || my favorite ambulance
Not really sure if I have more paperwork on my desk, or more things flowing around in my head. Here�s what I feel like as of 2:04pmEST. Sitting at my desk with my headphones listening to Failure-Magnified. People are walking around, talking on the phone, bringing me things, talking loud, bitching, complaining to me, working at their desks, typing away. I wonder if people know I�m writing. The keyboard is loud. I like being trapped in my headphones like this. Friday afternoon. Ride home in four and a half hours. Probably get high, go home for a little while and then head north for the night. I�m still bored to death. Wait a minute, it�s not even that. I�m not bored. Fuck that, I had a pretty good time last night. Laid back, drinks, conversation with people from my past. Cigarettes. I can never quit them. I already know they�ll kill me. Probably in a few years. I can�t marry anyone. I�d have to tell them, �look, I�m most likely going to be dead in ten years�do you want to do this still?�. I like the cold air at night right now. People are starting to complain now. More than me nonetheless. I get these phone calls from people I don�t want to hear from at work. I get no phone calls. Last night and yesterday I got a million phone calls I kept missing. Good phone calls in retrospect. Lead to believe that you know what you�re doing when in actuality you don�t. I�m, lead to believe a lot of things. Words coming out of people. Never believeing a word of it. Never giving anyone a chance. This is sort of how I feel. Grown apart. Grown away from everything and everyone here. Grown into someone that should not be visiting this planet. Someone that needn�t be visiting houses and apartments. It�s always time to go home. It�s always time to get away from everyone. It still doesn�t change from day to day. I can go back and read every entry I�ve put in here and ever single one would say the same thing I realized. I don�t trust people anymore. I heard something this week that made me not trust people even more. Nothing I wish to discuss in public really, but I feel when something is supposed to be private. Between two people. Yes, private. It should be kept that way. Especially in the face of insulting things. Oh well. I�ll tell the bible how I feel. I�ll tell the wal how I feel in the morning. I ain�t going to confront anyone on anything. This person told me you did this, now I think you should apologize and tell that person that it was a lie because that person is hurt and the person that told me about it is scared that if I tell you that they will be in trouble with you. Who needs any of that kind of thing anymore. I�m ready to go home full throttle right now. I�m ready to not talk about anything important. There�s things that still need to be discussed that I am just putting in the closet, or burying out in the back yard for now. I have no desire. Flog the dead horse just a little more, it ain�t dead yet Christian. There�s a song called �getting nowhere� that keeps coming to mind. There�s pictures I see of how the world of mine will look in two years. Still the same. Loser. I haven�t improved this all. A waste of time and energy or a waste of heart space? Doubtful of the highest form, I just feel right now, nothing �serious� is doing me any good. Taking anything serious right now is not what I need. People try and set me up with girls and I feel stupid and like a kid, and then I�m let down any way by the rumor mill. It�s all a big mess up that makes me laugh from time to time. In here though, inside it�s the least bit funny. It�s the worst fucking place I�ve been in years. I�ll find my way out at some point. Currently my ambulances are: playing music, travelling �far away�, putting my headphones on, reading jazz biographies with coffee at home late night, masturbation. Nothing should be holding me down. There�s a list of things that are keeping me down day in and day out there�s far to many to list here, here�s a couple though: dwelling, thinking, drinking, marijuana, lack of sleep, lack of good conversation, people I don�t care about. So there�s those few people in your group of friends that you couldn�t care less about. I have a lot of these people. One of them moved away a month ago thank god, and I think another one is moving away for the winter pretty shortly. Another �going away� party is in the makes as I write this all down. I�ll be there with boots and suits on. I�ll be there with a handful of balloons. I just generally�oh fuck it, I�m not going to defame people anymore. Not worth it. Nothing here is worth it. More silly words to fill up time and space and move someone, me. Someone, or me maybe.

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