Oh Joy!
2000-08-17 || the quick brown fox jumps over the slow green turtle
Fuck I can�t wait until Christmas. This season right now, whatever you want to call it is getting on my nerves now. There are way too many people outside. There are way too many bugs all over the place. It�s loud outside. The snow feels good. The brisk clear cold days are what I long for right now. Not because of some stupid �Oh lonely me, let the cold winter winds cover my lonely soul�, but because of how good it feels to be outside. Alive. Quiet. People are not smiling. I�m smiling though. I�d like to start walking up to people in the dead of winter and slapping their red frosted cheeks as hard as I can saying �smile, fucker!�. Santa Claus is also around during winter, which is pretty cool. There are just way too many dumb fucks walking around Salem with shorts on and big dumb smiles on their faces. They make me laugh. The normal Salem folk. These stupid looking �arty/witchcraft/pierced face-genitals/new age� freaks all over the place withg crystal necklaces and a pack of Tarot Cards in their back pocket. I don�t see any sort of aura around these people like I�m supposed to. Whenever they meet me they like me, so they obviously don�t see my �negative energy�. That�s because there�s no such fucking thing though! Honey let�s go down to the ocean and look at the boats. I feel good today. Last night was pretty laid back. I bought another DVD, was home a little later than I should have been, and was fairly dizzy when I got in. This week so far has been very good. Keep your mind out of the gutter and you feel much better. Dwelling and playing games. I�ve played enough games now. I feel like being left alone, I feel like leaving people alone. I don�t have a desire to really do what my friends do now. I don�t really feel any part of anything anymore so what�s the point even wasting time? I think it�s just making plans. I hate making plans with people. I have fucking plans every night. I need the time to just do what I want to do. This time I�m serious. Don�t let me stop this car! I haven�t done some of those things I enjoy in months. It�s been months since I took some sort of companion with me on a day out doing some of the things I like to do. You find someone you think might be another �hopeful� and you�re immediately let down. Does every girl in the world really have that many issues? Do they all really act like that? No they don�t. In fact most of them don�t. Where am I looking though? In the refrigerator. Where�s that tupperware full of leftovers? Is this the bar that�s open all night where you go when you run out of options? Yes? Okay, can I have the 20 year old over there? She likes drama? How much do I owe you? Imagine if I met someone who didn�t let me down. Hell I was let down before I even met her. Writing stupid �romantic� entries about people I don�t know is always a safe bet when you�re desperate and lonely. Writing stories about relationships from seven years ago. What is that all about? I�m ready to take on some sort of project. I just got some books on some new hobbie I want to try. I gave up on driving an ambulance months ago. I gave up trying to be this sweet guy a week and a half ago. I gave up being a father months ago. Imagine growing up in the sae mindset as the people I hang out with. I have no fucking clue what it is, but it�s more �generation x� than how I feel day to day. Slacker. The highlight of your life is leaving your house to go into the city and break some guys/girls heart from time to time. You have been warned now sir, take it with a grain of salt, or let us tell you the whole truth nothing but the truth so help me god. I feel like I should just move out of here. It�s a joke around here. I have people I love, yet I laugh at them to myself. I laugh at people I don�t understand. Sorry, there�s nothing profound there. I once met a man who had no idea 411 existed to get phoe numbers. Imagine being that ignorant? That to me is as ignorant as going out of your way to be a fucking asshole. That�s as ignorant as what happens at 3:42AM on an average Saturday night. Date rape of a different kind. Budweiser flavored blow jobs. Flirting with a mirror with a blindfold on. I have trust in me and how I feel now. I feel like I should feel. I feel like I did 10 years ago. This guy. Let me introduce myself. Which part of me did you want to meet? Which part of you would you like me to play games with? Your head? Okay, no problem. It�s easy ready�on your mark, get set, and go�.I don�t want anyone to pay attention to this now. Please stop reading from here on out I just remembered something that needs to be written down.I don�t want anyone reading this please and thank you. Okay, stop reading now. Thanks�Sex and drugs and rock and roll. Let me say how hand in hand these go. Sort of. So a long time ago I had this heavy metal band. Well, hardcore�sort of metal. I loved getting fucked up before and after. Wait a minute, it wasn�t that band, it was the band after that. This silly punk band with a girl singer I was in. So we�re playing in this college gymnasium or something like that and I go and get stoned before hand. For some reason they had this backstage area with food set up. Sort of like Spinal Tap, ya know tables of food and drinks, and crackers and ice bowls, etc. So I�m back there by myself feeling pretty�high. The door opens �Can I come in?� I look and there�s this gorgeous girl standing there who I sort of knew from my old town. �Oh yeah, sure come on in� I wave her in. She starts talking to me and starts standing between my legs up close, really really close talking to me. I�m thinking to myself �Okay, now if I was David Lee Roth what would I do right now?� Just then the door opened and it was our singer Gretchen. There was some weirdness going on between us two at the moment, as well as her boyfriend, the other guitar player. She sort of said �Oh I�m sorry, I�ll leave you two alone!�. Just then I turned very red and told the girl that we should go outside and have a cigarette. She replied �Let�s go out to my car� �Why do you want to go out there?� I asked her. �We can talk� �Why do we need to be in your car to talk?� I asked again. �I want you to fuck me in my car� Just at that moment I freaked out. I could not believe this was coming out of a girls mouth who was probably seventeen years old to my 25 years old. �Ummmm, yeah, ya know that sounds like�.ya know�a lot of fun and everything�but�.ummm�you should probably go. Stick around to see the band though�I need to go tune my guitar now�. So yeah, my one moment I felt like a �rock star� and I felt like a complete fucking moron. I can�t believe that there are people that would just do that because I was playing guitar in this band (Maybe it was something more!). Either way, I have friends that have bands and they eat that type of shit up. They want the Motley Crue lifestyle, they want the Jon Bon Jovi moment back stage with the teenager girl. I see that girl from time to time now and she�s always very cool to me. I ran into her one night with a bunch of her friends and she told them �this is the nicest guy in the world�. Ha! I�m the nicest guy in the world! Imagine that? In retrospect I can�t think of what could have possible been gained from going to her car other than a quick fix. I�m just sick of the quick fix. I�ve had the quick fix from time to time, and it�s not good. Quick fixes come in the form of one night stands, short crushes on girls, etc. I have no time for the quick fix. I want it all developed. Developed over a ten year period. I want books and tapes and walks and drives. I don�t want the stupid oh what�s you�re name. I�ll leave that to the teenagers of my life. I�ll leave that behind, in the back seat of shitty American sedans and dirty apartments with roaches and beer cans all over the place. Leave it to the zombies of the area.

before & after