Oh Joy!
2000-08-10 || I can't shut up
soundtrack - Neil Young - Zuma

I've spent the past three days or so listening to Neil Young and now I feel a whole lot better. Well, let's not get to ahead of myself here. I can't shut up. I can't keep quiet. I need to return to this forum. It was only a couple of days of writing to myself and doing what I normally do. I'm still as confused as ever, I'm still in the same car I wa travelling in the other day. I can't shut up, yet I have absolutely nothing to say. My passions have been questioned in the past couple of days. I feel slightly...I don't know, insulted isn't the word but. I feel like I'm at a point where I'm ready to do something good, and I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm ready to know things I didn't know before, but I'm not allowed to. I feel like I could drop this on the floor for reference later on, but I can't. Why? Because I can't just drop something on the floor as important as it seems to me. I'm near close to it, but I still hang on. Light comes in the room in the middle of the night, and then darkness comes in the room and overcomes me. Sorry...that's it. Sorry, there's nothing else to say here. My eyes are open all the time now. My mind is open all the time. I'm open to opinions. The most common opinion is "I'm not going near that, sorry" though. The best thing for me to do right now is stay where I am and do what I have to do I guess. I'm here. I've been down here. I feel down most of the time now. Short bursts of good times here and there, but for the most part I'm still just here sitting around. I'm not waiting for anything. I'll never wait for something. I feel like I'm getting there though. I'll stop before I ever feel like I'm sitting here waiting for something or someone though. I can't force anything. i can feel like this forever though. This is good right here. This ain't bad. I have nobody right now. Nobody. Everyone I know has someone around. I have not a soul I can look in the eye. It's not even worth it to look for that though. Soulmates come and go I think. Friends as soulmates that is. I don't have a single friend that's on the same page right now. It's loose and funny now. It makes me laugh sitting back and watching it all. Downward spirals. Morality? Eh? I miss the times when it was easy. I miss the times when I knew what I was doing. I miss the times when I knew what I was getting myself into. I know for one thing, I'm going back there. I know what I have, and I'm keeping it for myself. I'm taking off for Saturday and Sunday this weekend. There's nothing here for me at all. I always want to leave, and now I have opportunities all the time. This weekend should be relaxing. It is good. Everything is good right now. It's how it is. I'm just coming to a realization I guess. I'm coming to the realization that I have outlets for myself, I'm just not going to share them anymore.

before & after