Contests to see who catches my eye for the longest. Contests to see who looks at me like a stalker or a psycho. God the small ocean towns in New England are a breeding ground for beautiful women. They walk by me shooting glances and glares and dirty looks and stares. I can't help myself. I don't make eye contact with anyone I don't feel is going to give it back to me. I saw what looked like the singer of an old famous hardcore band from NYC on a bike today there as well. I love going to Portsmouth. I took Sarah and Ian there today. I think they enjoyed it for the most part. I pointed out the bench Tara and I sat on years ago while my foot failed to work for four hours cause of "those godamned shoes". I like being far away. I like being physically far away. I like being emotionally far away. I like this removed feeling from everyone. It goes all night. It goes all day. I fall behind. They move ahead. Well, they don't move. I have e-mails I haven't answered and I feel guilty. I swear I'm going to write! My head is over there right now though. See it. I have been having thoughts all weekend. The past few days. What the fuck do I think I'm doing? I've had doubts in the past. I know what I do. I know what I am. Working is double right now. My head is in overdrive right now. Nothing is correct. Nothing is ever done correct for some reason. I felt like a million dollars a month ago, I felt like shit a week ago. I felt like a million bucks two days ago, I feel like shit today. I feel like this is the only way to get things across. Why waste my head? Why act in a movie that I never like watching anyway. I act. I act so fucking much. Hey look at me. I really don't like it. I don't like the lifestyle. I don't like the conversations of any of them. Ever. I act. I'm the best supporting actor. This is really me and how I am I swear. Nobody get's to know the real me, fuck that. I'm closing up shop after this weekend. I wanted to see Sarah, that's about it. I don't have any desire to see anyone now. I don't feel like acting anymore. I'm myself in that mirror over there. I'm myself times a million when the road is my only companion. No one is ever going to be my soul mate, or companion at this point. Regardless of what I try to tell myself. Regardless of what the graduate of charm school says to anyone. Regardless of what one liner I can pull out of my ass to impress the masses. No matter what I try and tell myself, nobody is going to fall in love with me. I'm not letting anyone in anymore. I have no fucking reason to. I can't agree on an issue ever. I can't take myself off the stage. I can't deal with anyones head. I can barely deal with mine. What do I think I'm telling myself. We sat in a very romantic restaurant today. I pictured sitting there with someone and that candle. I picture just a blank face. Some woman is sitting there with me telling me everything I want to hear. No woman has told me anything I want to hear in about three years. No woman has told me anything, they look at me. They give me looks. I can't fall to just the looks anymore. Bitterness, no. Loneliness, nope. Frustration, no. Pride, no. I can't wait for words to come out of anyones mouth anymore. As soon as someone impresses me, I'll be on the 6 o'clock bus on my way over there. Who the fuck am I trying to kid anyway? I make myself laugh sometimes. The mirror makes me laugh my fucking head off every night. The man in the mirror says that I have no hope at this point. The man in the mirror laughs and takes a swig of iced water and just laughs at me. You're a fucking joke pal.

before & after