Oh Joy!
2000-08-06 || Nothing affects me anymore
Soundtrack � Miles Davis � Milestones

The hardest thing right now is keeping a smile on my face. The second hardest thing is not wanting to just �pack it in�. What a funny expression. It has so many different meanings. I�m not about to go into any of them right now though. It�s a bit funny how you spend years subconsciously looking for some sort of understanding from another person. You get it�sort of�it goes away like a light being shut off. My mind works like this. Shut it off. Turn it on. There are certain feelings you can�t really shut off. I can�t really find meaning or value in anything I�m doing right now. I can sit here and complain as usual, or I can just disappear. I want to go to bed but I don�t want to miss anything. I feel this need to stay up to avoid dreams now. I feel the need to stay up and try to fit in. I feel the need to burn things up. I�m the fool right now. There�s a song, well I�m not going to get into that right now. It�s a slow night at the bar. Only two redheads came in tonight. One was alone sitting at a table drinking wine looking at her watch. She got up at 11:20. I would gladly have chased her down and said �Yeah Hello, I�m lonely, what�s your name?�. I saw one two nights in a row. Guys tell me secrets immediately. Girls tell them months later. Guys have eyes. I hear so many secrets I feel like a soap opera writer. The redhead with the two night stand has awful fashion sense. Some sort of �safari type� look to her. Some sort of catalog I wouldn�t want to look through. Some dude drinks punch bowls full of liquor and yellow stuff and gets hugs. Some guy who looks at women as I look at a piece of steak gets to draw pictures on the wall and trade brushes and eye contact. My phone ends up ringing all night because of earth signs and fire signs. I stare and glare into the table across the room and wonder what the hell is sitting in front of me. Oh wait, there�s nothing sitting in front of me but a candle and an ashtray. There�s no person in front of you, there�s an illusion of what you thought held the key. There�s no key anywhere you�re visiting though. There�s no girl there with a big shit eating grin on her face waiting to take you in. The guy that has the biggest collection of tales of debauchery and sloppy blow jobs from amateur girls from down the table gets the big fluffy pillow and the sun beams. The guy with all of the words, the best words gets to sit in bed. The guy with the responsibility and the brown eyes gets to eat alone and share a drink with the leather seat across from him. This guy gets to go home every night to nightmares and fantasy scenes and surreal Fellini dreams. I never tell anyone how loud my guitar is and how it�s a chick magnet. My guitar and rock and roll stays home. My guitar and rock and roll is not my selling point. I have a few more things to offer than songs tongue piercings and windmills guitar moves. I have this room that brings me out. I have these ideas in my head that need to get out. They�re not allowed to come out though. They get to stay in. Punished. Punished for taking the wrong turn.I don�t get any champagne and candle wax poured all over me tonight I get Miles Davis and a headache. The phone has been as quiet as a mouse on Christmas Eve. Ring hello. Yes, my head aches and my bones are broken now. What do you suggest?

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