I will be up all night tonight. What has kept me quietly asleep for months with dreams here and there will probably keep me up tonight. More of the same feelings, more of the same �shit I should have�� It�s more of the same thing just not on the inside, a little bit showing. I need a table of contents, an internal table of contents. I couldn�t have came here tonight, that would have been a disaster. The safety of dangerous inhalants was never more ironic than just tonight. I can�t imagine sitting too close. I can and I want it, but what do I want tomorrow night when I�m here sitting at this chair? How do I resolve something that is sort of resolved but not really. I still don�t know what�s in here ready and when it�s supposed to be ready. Immediate feelings of jealousy automatically came up tonight as if on cue. �Tell me what happened�� I�ve done that a million times. Tell me things I don�t want to hear. I need to hear everything though. I see everything anyway. I see when someone is looking at me. I see when it all starts to get twisted and out of context. I see when I am going to become vague all of a sudden. I can�t think of how to get back on the ground half the time. The things that scare me from my past come out and I need to run away. �Oh yeah, this is how I always used to feel in this situation� I�m a jealous guy. I�m too much with things. I often doubt myself. I doubt that anyone could ever be attracted to me. It�s not possible the way I am. It�s not ever possible. They see the Saturday night me�not the Tuesday night me. The Sunday morning me. The world turns and I stay over here and hope someone wants to get sucked in. I just don�t have the guts to ever warn anyone. Some big steps. What is this some sort of negotiation? What are we voting on crucial issues. Why can�t I feel normal around you and everyone else at the same time. I have never done that. Felt comfort in numbers�along with a special someone. I do the same thing every time. I feel like I made a few big steps. I feel like nothing is ever ready though. No one is ever ready. I am always thrown for a loop. Every day this happens to me. I go to bed with the exact same thing. �What about this then�� I can�t keep secrets any longer, There�s no secrets. There�s stupid little thing here and there I can�t put my energy into anyway. There are always options. There are always some people that just stay around in front of your eyes. Someone is always going to come around that you think is the one that�s going to knock you over. I never wait for the person to come around. It happens here and there. It�s never planned. �Oh yeah, shit�� I know that my secrets are secrets about me, never about anyone else. The energy has been with me every night. The thoughts have been on ceilings and candles and British pop singers. I�m very dizzy right now, and I have way too much to say. There�s always a phone with #1 in the memory.

before & after