Did I just have a cigarette? Damn, I just got back from an outdoor party that had a theme. 40. I don't want to explain, well, you had to do something that had to do with the number 40. Most people dressed like they were from the 40's. I wore a shirt that made me look 40 pounds heavier, horizontal stripes. Not a great idea, but...So I realized just why I can't be at parties tonight. Man do you have to keep going the whole time, every time you stop for a second to catch your breath someone else has to walk up and start making jokes, or talk about something completely useless. I guess when you're drunk it feels a little better. But sitting observing it's a little...I don't know, it's whatever. It's not worth really writing about anyway.

I am in work hell right now. I see what's going on. I see where I head right now. No, not in work, I'm talking about right over here. Throw your heart over here. Come on. I was planning on getting drunk tomorrow night. Now that I think about it though, planning on getting drunk is a ridiculous thing to plan for a Saturday night. I want to relax on the weekend. Not come home with that shitty taste in my mouth, and feeling good artificially. That good feeling is so much more false than what marijuana does. Sure it makes me nervous sometimes, but it's not uncontrollable. It's not fake feeling. I'm still myself. I'm not some asshole coming out of a shell that comes out when he wants to talk to girls he doesn't know. Fuck that that's so fake. I always think I feel good, I'm being funny talking like an idiot etc. Probably the most unglamorous way I can be. I'll look forward to it tomorrow night here. I'll not look forward to lying through a whole night though. I'll not just sit there and act silly and cute. I don't want to do that. Fuck, I don't like to plan anything. Let's go this way the wind is blowing us over there tonight. No one wants to just take off away for the night with me. Nobody feels like I do ever. I can never relate when I'm there. It's a world of friends, parties, conversations, crushes, drama, loud music. I like them all, I love being around them all whenever I can. I just can't feel comfortable ever when I'm around that many people. I can't talk. I have to smirk and nod and humor. I have to leave right away without saying goodbye. it takes so long and there's so many conversations about making phone calls the next day to deal with. Sure, I'll call you when I'm up tomorrow. How's 7am on a Saturday? Can I call you then. Are you up at that hour? Have you not gone to bed yet? Well, go to bed and I'll wake you in a couple hours. How's 9am instead? My karma is on it's way back around the corner. Ridalin. They did Ridalin. That is awesome. That is so incredibly AWESOME and a half. Does sarcasm ever show up on paper? On screens or whatever you read. It comes out too much now. That feeling. Every other week now, well actually maybe one week. I mean once a week. I hate talking about music with people. I hate talking to attention disorder. I hate talking about music with a guy who's not aware there is a guy named Don Van Vliet. Tropical Hot Dog Night. The last thing I did tonight was knock the cowboy hat off accidentally. Symbolism for the whole night. I should probably see things better. Take off the sunglasses. Get rid of the Venetian blinds and get a shade. You can just open it easily and see everyhting immediately right there. You don't see everything with lines in it. Anuu kept punching me and I got mad. Well, just "okay, stop". Funny. Funny that I felt like that about that months ago. I don't see it like that in the least bit at this point. At least I don't think I do. I was hoping the phone would ring after the party tonight. The aprty never ends though. The phone doesn't ring. There's no questions to answer before bed tonight. Shut off. You're shut off. You did it yourself. You shut yourself off as soon as you turned the ignition. No more. Get home and sit in there and be quiet. Don't even look at the clock. Stay up, but you're shut off. Shut off from anything you think you want. Shut off from any questions. I keep seeing that one face over and over. He talked to me a lot at the beginning of the thing. I was digging it for a little while then it came. "Fucking Mike Ness...". Okay, what time is it? I liked watching eyeballs of close friends bugging out at the breasts of a southern girl. Come, be less obvious than that. They want want want want want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want wantwant want.

She doesn't want. She never begs. She is real. She doesn't get on her knees. Put on her best supporting actor role and get inside my head. She don't play no games. She signs her name funny every time too. I don't want to be the vending machine. Never tell anyone what you have. You get put on the spot. You get arguments. Not heated arguments. Conversations, explanations why "it would be cooler if you did". You really should help me out. I'll call you tomorrow I swear. Of course you'll call me. I like the caller ID. I kind of hope that it rings later with the first number in the phonebook right now. Number one. We could have taken it outside. We could have done something else. Timing is so horrible. Timing. I need to work on that. Things need to happen in a certain order to work correctly. Things need to fall into place a whole lot quicker. Things need to work out instead of fizzling out. Things are getting all over my head again. It's so not in a bad way whatsoever though. Just how it's going right now. Stay on deck. Stay on the front of the boat. Stay above water. Keep one hand in the right pocket. Keep the other in the left pocket. Don't dare move from there. Don't dare do anything. I feel like a million dollars right now. Look at that smile. That's a Colgate smile if I've ever seen one.

before & after