The first time I saw her I damn near couldn't speak. "Is that her?" I thought to myself. The one I've been looking for? I doubt it, she wouldn't be serving expensive coffee to yuppies like that. The one thing though, that voice. God what an awful voice that was. It made me realize that crushes need to stay just that, "crushes". Well, crushes on complete strangers that you've never poke a single word to. Once I did meet her it was downhill from there. That was the first one. The second one was another of the same thing. Girl in the coffee shop. Red hair. Sort of tough looking, bitchy. I went in one day after drinking a 40 oz of malt liqour and asked her out(okay, I drank half of it thinking I would do better, knowing my tendency to converse with complete strangers under the influence of alcohol, which in retrospect is a bad idea for me, and the complete opposite of how I am in "real life" I never talk to complete strangers unless they are a) wearing a Django Reinhardt shirt, b) carrying a copy of the Miles Davis complete Live At The Plugged Nickel box set[which I actually lent a disc of to a woman I dated for a couple of weeks, she's a jazz singer, and the only way I got it back was calling her months after I broke up with her was to call her and tell her I wanted to take vocal lessons from her, for which I'm thankful for. I now can sing...sort of, and I have a good friend, instead of an enemy...oh and I have that 12 minute version of I Fall In Love To Easily where Wayne Shorter plays such a great solo on the tenor someone in the audience says "damn, you damn near blew Miles off the stage!"] or c) start talking to me first), she said "yeah sure". I went to get her the following agreed upon Sunday night when she got out of work, went in to see her, etc. Went back to my car....and she left with some girl when she got out of work. The next was the girl in the CD store: "Hey, want to go see the Cramps with me next week?" "Ummm, I just bought a car, I can't really afford it." "How much was the car?" "Huh?" "Oh, sorry...ummm..forget it." So this is me in a nutshell asking girls out. They all have their silly little endings. Although I never really asked out the first one, I just sort of found out that "she doesn't date anymore" What the hell does that mean? I don't date anymore. What a crock of shit. I saw her months later with some dork with big thick glasses and a blonde flattop. So there...

I'm more happy with what I feel like right now than how I felt a week or two ago. There is no reason to get into that sort of drama. I get into this trance of depression and can't get out of it. I have a couple of theories I know are true:

I'm always looking for attention when I'm down. I have to attack people. Judge people. I'm no judge, I have no right to be. I have to take out my frustration on others all the time. There's no need for this type of behaviour, it's how I am though. I think most people I may have hurt, or said things to know this is how I can get, and it's fine now. I apologize in advance for when this happens again though : )

Being by myself is something I see as an advantage over most people. Most people I know thrive on social activity. I see it as something I can't do all the time. I like to think I'm better because of this for some reason. I do fine by myself, and I like to flaunt it.

Someone needs the phone-

out

before & after