Umm yeah, let's write just a little more today. Staying home from work is good for the soul. One starts to get a little nervous though and a need to go out and get some air. This is what I've just done for a couple hours. Right back to where I've been all day. I can't say I've had a productive day but yada yada yada I can't really talk about this type of shit here: "I woke up and ate a bagel. It was good. I will now go urinate in the toilet and come back and write more about what I'm going to do later. Today Jenny looked good with that sweater. I love when she wears that sweater."

I can't keep any more metal images of people I meet. In the real world, or on the net here. I fill myself up with images of what someone looks like. Even people I know and see every day. If you asked me to describe what...Stefanie looks like, I can't remember. She's as tall as me almost and has red hair. What else do you want to know? So when I meet someone new, it's awful. Obviously I'm going to recognize them, but when it get's down to having a mental image, it doesn't happen. Until, recently that is. I have clear pictures of eyes, noses, mouths. I can picture the exact outfit. I can hear the voice. I can match it up together and it makes me smile a little bit. i can picture what it would be like to smile at each other out of sheer boredom, not out of a friendly "see you later". How do I get myself in these awkward situations? You develop a simple little crush, put it away for months, weeks, years, days, whatever and then it comes back twice as hard, It hits you like a ton of bricks, and you're suddenly thrown back into this feeling. I haven't done this in a while, wait how do I do this? Think about them all the time? Wait for them to arrive? Wait for phone calls and doorbells? Ha! You actually do something kid. You don't sit on your ass and look like you're on church with your head down muttering things to yourself. Sure I can do that. I've learned a lot about myself in the past month or so. I have learned how to be a complete bastard. I've learned the wrong backwards way to go about things. I've learned what I want out of people, and what I like to give to people. I've learned a hell of a lot. Now it's obviously time to go out and use what I've learned to my advantage. Sitting in the cell is getting you nowhere. You could be sitting on a beach sipping margaritas listening to anything but Jimmy Buffett. I can't count on people that are like glasses of water anymore though. The boring ones who say nothing, who you can see through. The ones who come around and talk about how hot out it is. Why do I need to surround myself with them? I like the depth of all the people I talk to, but when the others come around it's like banging your head against a wall. It's sheer boredom that fills me when I have to subject myself to a conversation about cars or weather. Something I don't need. I like talking. I never talk. I never talk. I never talk. I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk.I never talk. But every once and a while I meet that person who I think I can talk to all night about nothing and feel completely good about it all. Get some faith in everything around me. Not letting myself be let down. I'll talk now. I am ready to be a non-stop talker. I will talk and I will talk. It will come from deep down inside. I'll tell everyone how I feel. I'll tell you I think you're the bees knees, I'll tell you I think you suck and should start over from scratch. But I swear it will be from deep down.

What could it possibly be like? A giant mystery wrapped in nice clothes and a pretty good laugh? What can make me change my mind so quickly. It's not a cure for loneliness and boredom I swear. It's not from one to the next. One to the next. Say it with me. The mantra. The last one to the next. It's not that quick. I don't lose feelings for one person, and then just throw them at the next available person to come along. It's real I can tell. I wouldn't spend this much time if it were casual. If it were just the doctor telling me to "do this to get your mind off of that". No weakness here I swear. Nothing ever dies inside me. That's even what my astrological chart says. It all stays in there for good. I remember how I felt 8 months ago. I remember why I felt like this and why i felt like that. I remember exactly what I said about you before "she's loud and obnoxious" probably. What a prejudiced fool I can be sometimes. I remember trying to as usual get a rise out of people "why would I like her?" I always try and disagree with everyone. Go against the grain son, you'll make lot's of friends that way. Always argue, bt never explain why. Sure, no problem I can do that. Is that weak? Yes it is, but don't worry, just keep telling yourself it's okay, and you'll be okay. Yeah but I can't stop really thinking of these ideas in my head that I think something good is a couple of blocks east of here. I can't stop thinking about the last three minutes of my Saturday night. I can never stop thinking about exactly where I stood, what I said, and what I looked at. Eye contact. Good eye contact. Yes, I'm here. Yes, I was just looking at you. No sighs of discomfort. Just sighs and breaths of fresh air. I don't know what the next thing to do is. Keep pestering myself. Keep knocking on my own door. Keep telling myself "never look in the mirror when you talk to anyone" That doesn't make sense. Sure it does. Don't be such a fucking coward. Don't be so insecure. I'm not insecure...as a matter of fact, these pants look great I thought. The sneakers are still a big question. Fuck, why did I wear them Saturday night. Isn't there a rule, never wear brand new sneakers on the weekend? Probably somewhere in the style guide for dummies. Probably in womens handbooks of "no-no's for men". He had brand new sneakers on, what a weirdo, does he not know anything? I know one thing, I know exactly how to get to you. I know where you are sitting when I see you. I know what to say. I promise. The way to you is to be. The way to anyone. I'm not putting anything on anymore that makes me feel uncomfortable. Have eighteen beers. "Hi this is me". Have yourself this new shirt and pants and go over there and chat. May I light that for you? Who really knows what you think. I want it to be me. I want you to think about me. I thought about you Sunday morning in the middle of guilt for some reason. Guilt that I always get. I don't listen to Jesus much, but I fill with guilt all the time. I fill up with images of what I just said a week ago. A year in the life of a guilt ridden hypocrite. I thought you told me you loved me? I thought I told you that too. I can't help it if guilt is my best friend in the face of obsession and passion. I can't help it if I go from one way to another. I told you once, I told you again, I don't think before I speak. Well, I didn't. I am trying now. I'm moving with the flow day by day. It's taken me this long to figure certain things out about myself I guess. Nobody got fatally hurt. No enemies were made, so just move on pal. Just move your ass to the front of the line and go into see the doctor. Next.

So today at lunch I was eating, and in walks that famous witch Laurie Cabot. People around Salem don't like her much I think. She is apparently a witch that "sold out" or something like that. Regardless, she has a presence that people recognize instantly. The old people behind me "Oh, there's that Laurie whateverhernameis woman...God look at her hair" It's so funny how some old people are judgemental like that. I don't really know the woman, but she seems like a pretty harmless woman. I don't really know the whole story about the witches in Salem now and what they think, or if their's different cliques, and different covens, etc. regardless, that was one slightly famous person I saw today.

I really do miss the feeling of being able to call everyday. I miss the feeling of being able to come over everyday. i miss the feeling of being held for hours. I miss the feeling of holding for hours. I miss the arguements. I miss everything about you. How could I let that happen. It all seemed so perfect from day one. Let's meet our collective idol, wait is this a date. You remember that day. It sure felt like a date to me. I miss getting yelled at. I miss the cats. I miss how hot it was in that room. I miss the contentment. 24 hour contentment with you. 24 hour a day thoughts about you. I can barely remember what you look like. Today I found a picture of you. You took a picture of yourself in the mirror. You were such a weirdo I thought. Sort of like me, and how I'm a weirdo. Sort of like how we laughed. The last time I saw you was like the last time I saw you before that. It's always, no don't remember that and that and that and that. That was then this is now. There's no need to wierd anyone out. Everyone is happy here. The pets are all sleeping now, or just miles away. New pets. Dogs. Cats. Pet peeves also. I hated the way you chewed your finger like that. I hated when your hair got in my face. That was it though. Two fucking things. That was all I realy hated about you. Everything else was just perfect. Okay, I need to get out of that mindset now, don't hurt yourself. Yeah, I miss you. You're happy, we're all happy. Let's move on now Christian. Okay, sorry.

I can't believe you stood me up, you big meanie. Now everyone get's to see the glamour shot.

ouout

before & after