Oh Joy!
2000-07-23 || can you tell her Christian called?

I have a smile on my face. Well, actually I have a strange look on my face probably. I gave a little wave and a goodbye, the phone rang I looked for a parking space, and now I�m home without that parking space I probably didn�t need anyway. I still have doubts about everything around me. I still feel like I should listen to advice of people I generally don�t respect. I think I feel that old feeling. It�s one night, it�s one comment months ago. It�s the whole atmosphere. One phone call and I�m here tonight. It�s strange how shit happens man. One minute I am down somewhere that a man should generally not be for very long. No real reason, except a longing for drama perhaps? What is with the parade of blondes? What is with taking advice from blondes? What is with my still general disdain? What is with my not making sense, perhaps I should back up a little bit. So tonight I had vague plans to go to the bar with Matt, his band people were coming down from the city yada yada yada�.He told me Tony was home and bored, I called Tony we went to eat, and then to the bar. I fell into some sort of trance state, and now I�m here. I�m in a strange state. I�m in a different way than I am normally used to. So this is how people feel every night? So this is me tonight? What did I feel like when I woke up this morning? Unlike this. Diaryland is down for some reason, so I�m writing this in Word. There is all sorts of green and red lines all over the place. I can�t figure out what I�m doing right now. Well, inside, I can�t. anyway. You see�well fuck it, I can�t talk about this shit in public. Three beers gets me buzzed, four beers gets me drunk, seven beers gets me here at 1:52 AM EST. I only won one game of pool tonight. I only won one other thing I�ve battled in the past tonight. Well, it wasn�t a battle. It was me thinking of an idea. The idea seems to be a pretty good idea. I�ve entertained it before to boos and hisses. I�ve also heard cheers and clapping from the same idea. I really should not get into it here ,as I will only end up jinxing myself. I will only end up putting my foot in my mouth. My foot that started traveling there months ago. My foot that is always in my mouth. I tried one thing tonight with the car and couldn�t get to it. It�s not what I need right now. I have been here for weeks now. I�ve been in this room. I looked more forward to coming here tonight. I didn�t look forward to this chair 47 days ago. I looked forward to other things and ideas. Let me back up a little I use that excuse so much nowadays let me tell you exactly how I feel let me tell you how I get in this nighttime loneliness I don�t have that nighttime loneliness I like tony he�s a good guy actually he�s a good man let me tell you I just only beat him once though let me tell you about something else though this is what I think about this is what puts feet in my mouth this is what get�s me looking there�s no apostrophe in gets this is what gets me into trouble this is what makes me look honest I mean dishonest or whatever that thing is I met a guy tonight that is close to my cousin I think the ratio was 1 woman to eight men tonight let me just explain exactly where I�m at right now let me just go to the place that I haven�t been to in years let me go to the place that braver men go but not me I complain about it and say how evil and bad it let me just tell you I will make phone calls never phone I mean phone calls I never usually make let me tell you where I�m at at 2 am on Saturday night wait didn�t I say I would be awake for the remainder of the evening tonight let me just tell you and the world on the internet and myself dear diary today I tried crack no not really but imagine if I was that guy I feel heat blowing on me right now for no good reason the heat is turned up inquiring minds want to know what you said earlier tonight let me get that for you I swear I will not tell anyone in the general public about how I feel people may read this and not know where you�re coming from let me tell you where I�m coming from though.

Unhappiness. It�s doubtful that you would have that around me. I swear I know how to open doors for you. Unhappiness. I swear you would never feel that way when I call you. I wouldn�t blow it off like that. You seem like�like you seem like someone that would enjoy my cooking. Let me tell you about unhappiness. Unhappiness is something I feel generally every day. Well, unloved. Unloved in more ways than one. I�m still picturing a wave goodbye. I swear I will make phone calls to get to the bottom of this. I swear. I swear I would never swear at you. I can�t think of anything better I�d want to do. Hold on a minute, I think I should have stayed out longer and stronger tonight. This was no reason to come home. I have to tell you just how I feel I won�t share you with another boy. I could sing songs for you that would melt you like an ice cube. I can�t do that on the snap of a finger with silly rings all over it though. I need to sing to a pair of eyes that are going to look at the song as something written for them. I need to sing something like My Funny Valentine to you. Karaoke. I�ll learn it on the guitar. I know all the words to it I swear. I would even stop in the middle to light your cigarette. I could just start over from the beginning and sing it all over for you. I don�t want to get you into trouble, and you shouldn�t do the same. But the first time I met you I made jokes I smiled in the background. Like that wise ass in the yearbook who always thought it was best to be in the back making silly faces and fucking around. I don�t think I�ve shaken your hand. I don�t think you�ve shaken mine. I feel odd going from one extreme to the other with you like this. How many words have we said to each other combined? I�ll say 409. That�s not a lot. That�s nothing. Fuck, I�d tell you all about kickball games in elementary school, and I�d tell you exactly how it is to kiss you. Is it really just timing and phone calls that will guide me to this. Rides to beaches and rides to video stores? No old conversation about boys sucking. No tired remarks about my smoking. I don�t want to get you into trouble. I want to tell you a secret though. I�ll tell you the next time I see you. I am not going to go 9 months again though. What is this anyway? This is the division of me and the division of he. Where do you want to go to day? Where did you want to end the evening tonight? Why am I not the same way I am around other girls around you? I told you just now, I�ll tell you every thing. Give me a scalpel and a pan, as my guts are going to be all over that table mixed with sticky beer and cigarette ashes. Let me tell you one thing, I�m not in this for the gold, or the ego. I�m not in this for selfishness. I�m not in this for a quick fix like a crack head on the corner in Atlantic City that I gave 49 cents to. I�m here for the long haul. I�m here so that I can drive you to New Mexico and talk about how beautiful the mountains are. But actually fuck the mountains, fuck the trees and sand castles and glass sculptures. Fuck all of that. Look at how you sit there full of content and smiles. Look at how I can�t keep my eyes off you. Swerving from lane to lane, because I am more interested in your eyes than where the road is leading us. I feel like this is the end of that road. Let me just park this car and we�ll get out and look at that together. Do you want to just look at me instead. Canyons come around every day. This is Halley�s Comet, it comes around every three years or so. This is division. I swear this isn�t me. This is what you�ve picked out. Come to the house and sit down, there�s lemonade in the fridge. You know I�ll do anything for you, but I don�t need to get you a drink do I? You go get the drinks, I�ll get the Sinatra and hang your coat. Ya know I will probably never forgive you for punching me and knocking me down like this. I�ll never forgive you for owning those eyes. Let me tell you though, thank you. Well, thanks to fate. I think fate works in mysterious ways. Actually, fuck that, I don�t believe fate works in any mysterious way, it knows exactly what it�s doing. It knows when it�s fucking with me, and it knows when it�s holding my hand and helping me cross the street. It knows when it�s leading me around a merry-go-round. It knows when I want to wallow in coffee and sad Johnny Hartman ballads. It knows when I want to jump up and down because some music is pulling me upwards. It makes my guitar write a million songs about you. It damn well knows what the hell it�s doing to me and for me. I should hit back space for three minutes, as words are not helping this. I need to get back into my car so I can swerve all over the place and hit you with myself. I won�t do that. I�m going to just go to bed, and hopefully I�ll know exactly what all of this is in the morning still.

before & after