I hate everyone in the fucking world...well not really. Tonight was a good night. Jeremy and I had originally planned to eat Chinese food and do some of that silly miniature golf. The rain, as well as an offer for some free movie passes changed all of that.

Our mutual friend Kyle had some free movie passes he offered Jeremy. We decided to go to the art house and see the film Groove. Let me back up a little though...So I've known Kyle for about 6 years. He's a very smart kid (well, he's 23 now), reads constantly. I hung out with him a whole lot a while back, he's real brilliant, and has a great outlook, even if it can be a little too cynical for me sometimes. Regardless, he's a good duy. Anyway, he started dating this older woman when he was twenty. She was 33 I think. He moved away to San Diego with her. I met her once before they moved. She eventually moved back here and started working at a convenient store in Marblehead Massachusetts (birthplace of the US Navy, although across the bay Beverly Massachusetts also boasts the same claim for some reason). I used to go in there late at night as she worked the over night shift. She was pretty cute I thought. We talked a few times, she was a fan of good movies, etc. It took me afew months to realize it was his girlfriend though. I finally asked her if she was his girlfriend, and she indeed was...he was still in San Diego though. To make a long story short I developed a minor crush on her. He moved back here and that was that. This was a couple years ago. I hadn't seen him until recently. So tonight he offers Jeremy these tickets and we go over there to get them, and I "meet" her again. Kyle, Jeremy and I venture to the basement where we do what I talked about not doing just last night. I get a little bit stoned, and then a lot. So she comes down and we all start talking. Jeremy, who for some reason is generally bitter towards women was very, very, very rude to her. I was getting pissed. He literally just ignored her when she asked him a question twice. Then after a while he say to Kyle "So has Jackie read my manuscript yet?"( he's a writer, a good one I guess, a little too pretentious for me sometimes though ). This was just it for me. I started ignoring him and just talking to her. It was really strange, because when I used to talk to her it was pretty much small talk, aside from the occassional two minute "did you see..." conversations. So her and I are talking tonight and I was clearly connecting with everything she was saying. Finishing sentences for each other, talking about being 30 and over, etc. Unfortunately, I was doing this in front of her boyfriend so...yeah. That's the extent of my "I had a pleasant experience with a woman" situation for the weekend I guess. They are very much into the new age thing in a way though. I guess more the witchcraft, but after being handed a book about projecting out of your body, I pictured the two of them in New Mexico completely naked on a rug wearing crystals...Ommmm...Ommmm...Ommmm...So we left, saw the movie, and now I'm home. The movie was pretty good. It was about ravers having a party. I enjoyed it...it was definitely more real than "Go" anyway. Digweed was also in it spinning. I listen to some "techno" from time to time. Mostly jungle, drum n' bass, and trance.

So there's a guy working in a pizza place. Big Italian guy. It's July, a little cold and rainy for July, but it's still hot in a pizza restaurant next to a big pizza oven, and in front of a grill. He's got beeds of sweat littering his forehead, creeping up his combed back dark hair. Not one, but two gold chains. He gives me a pleasant "how ya doin' buddy?" and I place my order. He talks to the EMT woman, the policeman, the African-American musician, and everyone else in there in a stern but pleasant manner. Some old scraggly looking guy comes in and gets his take-out. On the way out he yells over to the guy "Hey Johnny, is that your bank book hanging out of your pocket? Put that away, you're going to lose it...When you get home hide that somewhere, you shouldn't be carrying that around" He then explains to the other guys in there that he lives across the street in some sort of halfway house, and is treated like shit by the people that work there, and this really pisses him off. So here I am watching this big tough looking Italian guy (like myself : )) be all sensitive and kind, and it kind of humbled me. Here I am complaining about this one and that one, and this one won't be my girlfriend, and this one pisses me off because they like alcohol, and this person at work is too loud, and this guy treats women like shit, and this one and that one suck. Period. How trivial can I be? What am I so depressed about? People worry about people who are generally down and out. There's people that are moved by things that are really negative. Something as indirect as a random guy across the street all fucked up pisses off some regular hard working guy in a pizza restaurant, and I'm here saying I want to shut myself off from the world and never talk to anyone again. Am I an asshole or what? I have it good compared to some. I wish sometimes I didn't get how I get when I'm down. When I realize the things that get me down are nothing, I get even more depressed. When I think about the love and respect I get I feel like a real asshole. Sure, in two days time I'll be here ranting and raving like a lunatic. For the time being though, this is actually me. This is how I would love to feel every day for the rest of my life. I haven't thought of any of the things that have upset me in the past couple of weeks all night, and I feel better about it. Perhaps because I was away from it. I'm away from it every night though. I can't ignore myself. I can't ignore people anymore. I'm looking in the mirror and seeing what I turned into and I want to put my fist through it, like the Black Flag-Damaged cover (the original LP, not the inferior darker toned later pressings). Again, I request, no I ask, anyone to slap me in the face if I ever act out of line again.

I think Kyles girlfriend gained a little weight.

out-

before & after