Oh Joy!
2000-07-14 || see you next tuesday
Take your jacket off, stay a while, no actually, leave it on. Before you get your shit sorted out, I have a few questions for you. Before you take a sip of your coffee I have a couple of questions for you. Solve this problem for me.I have but one favor for you. I hate being this guy here when I get here. It bugs me a little bit. You walk in the door and you�re immediately barraged with favors, etc. I guess this is what I get paid for. How funny, I get paid to make people smile in a way. Too bad my personal life doesn�t pay me to be a whiney bitch.

I think I listened to too many Henry Rollins records in my younger years. I mean I still listen to him now, but it sounds a bit silly now. Although in retrospect, I think he was my age when he was writing a lot of that stuff. I think I cn get just as much aggression out of listening to Coltrane and his soul coming out of the saxophone. Yelling into a microphone and saying things like �I hate myself and I want to die� etc is old to me now. This is why I�m having second thoughts about my band now. It�s one thing to just have a hobbie and play in a band, it�s another when I just don�t feel like playing around. I�d love to play out again, but I think once would be enough to fullfill me. I may do just that, play one show, see how it goes, and then quit. They have big dreams and talk about touring, etc. Right!

So she calls me at 2AM, she wants to come over again. No, not tonight, I�ve already been waken up 30 minutes ago. She explains that she needs to talk about this with me. I tell her I have no desire to talk about these things right now, and to drive on home. She�s on her phone in the driveway. �I�m outside�. �You need to go home, I need to go to sleep, I�ll see you next week sometime�. �You�re being an asshole�. �I�m being a man that needs to get up early and exercise, and go to work�I�ll just�call you tomorrow� Why did I ever have her over? Big mistake. The ones who you end up hurting are always the ones that are the nicest. Right now though, a nice person is not going to help me, I�m going to end up killing them. Not murdering them, killing them with the shit coming out of my mouth. I have no idea how I feel about this. Not one person knows about this. Not one person will ever know about this. There are certain things I do that nobody needs to know about. There are certain people that don�t need to meet certain people. But, at 2AM on a Thursday evening, I don�t want to discuss life. I want to sleep and have dreams. Dreams about good things. Dreams about smokey rooms with blank faces. Dreams about the beach and fountain drinks. Dreams of Atlantic City. I don�t want to be with you right now. It hasn�t helped any of this, and it�s not going to help any of this. I�ll see you next Tuesday.

before & after