I finally got out of the house and saw human beings tonight, so I don't feel like I have the past week off and on. I feel pretty good. I had nice messages to me, offers of Pina Coladas from a fine young lady in Tennessee, and a pretty good night out, even if I did absolutely nothing. I saw the cowgirl tonight. It's been a week and a half or so. The Cowgirl doesn't really sound too flattering of a thing to call someone, but if she didn't kill me with that cowboy hat, I wouldn't call her that. So I saw her on her way out, and damn did she look stunning. I didn't want to stare, but I couldn't help myself. It made me wish I could take her out all dressed up like that. So that was good, although it was the first time in person in a while, and I just feel...different. I can't explain it. I can't get into it here, as she will most likely read this and yell at me, right? : ) So instead I sit here downloading whole Phish shows on mp3 to burn to disc. I am now downloading their show from last Friday night in PA. They had the one I saw in Tennessee, but it wouldn't work. So me and my trusty little 56K modem will putt through a whole 3 hours of music. What does that mean "instead, I sit here..." Instead of what? Instead of being a fucking jerk like last night. Man, I'm sorry but I need something. Perhaps it is a good stiff drink I really need. Perhaps it's more vacation. One little thing sets me off, and I get upset. Get out of bed, and get right on here and start whining. Would you like some cheese with that whine? So I get this phone call at 1:07 AM EST last night on the cell phone. It's coming from the cowgirls house, so, naturally, I pick it up immediately. It's Lindsey, shit faced with yelling and loud music "Christian, if we leave right now, we can go see the Tall Ships tomorrow morning" me: "Really Lindsey?" We had some stupid joke the other night about these godamned tall ass ships that are in Boston right now. So she was calling to play on that. That was okay for a second. I like Lindsey. Even though I talked all sorts of trash about her here a couple of weeks back. I like her, she's a fun girl, and damn she's cute. Yikes. So then Matt gets on the phone and talks to me for a minute or so about band rehearsal or something. Now the scene is getting surreal to me. I have the drunk, fun, cute Lindsey talking to me about ships, then Matt talking about his band, Tonys band, my band. Musician talk. I'm about to jerk off and go to sleep, and I'm talking about bands. Stephanie get's on the phone, wasted yet again, and I was already done with the phone call: How are you?!?!? I'm fine Stef, but I have to go now actually. Come on talk to me!!! Yeah, but I have to go now actually. Come on, you can talk to Matt, but you can't talk to me??!?! Yeah, but I have to go actually. Why, you got a girl over there??! NO, but I have to go actually, this is a bad time. (it get's quiet in background) I'm in the bathroom now, talk to me, come on I love you. Yeah, but I have to go now actually. What are you better than us??!! Yes, right now I am, and I have to go actually. Will you call me this weekend. No, yes, no...I won't I have to go now. Come- No I'm going, bye. Bye. I worry about her. I shouldn't, but I do. She is an amazing person, I just think she is out of control. She goes up and down. At one point she's normal, and then she's all fucked up constantly. I can't relate to alcoholism whatsoever. I say I hate drinking, etc, but I don't HATE IT. I just think it's unnecessary for me. When I see these examples, it makes me not want anything to do with it. I like to have a drink here and there though. It tastes like shit to me, but I'll have one now and again. I found out recently that there's actually a difference between expensive vodka and cheap vodka. I can say I am very happy that that kind of information will never, ever be of any use to me for the rest of my life. I'd rather just be my same hyperactive sober self, but it can be fun when you're with the right people. I just can't look at her, or talk to her when she's drunk. I don't want to say anything to her, as it's not going to be me that changes her. Her. I miss the young conversation about Tom Waits and Bukowski and being a fellow Scorpio, I miss the late night drives with her up to Maine in the middle of the night listening to blues music and smoking cigarettes. The only person allowed to smoke clove cigarettes in my car. It's amazing how much love I have for the both of them. I'm glad they live together and get along, and are having fun while they're young, I just don't want anything bad to happen no matter where I am in the picture. I've seen it so many times in the past, and what people can turn into. I don't want that to happen. They're two of the most intelligent women I know, so I don't foresee that really, I just think about the both of them constantly and want everything to be alright. I want to just take them on a drive to eat dinner in New Hampshire and joke around, and judge people on their outfits, and have our inside jokes and impressions, etc. I want it to be again.

I hate when you can't remember if you just had a cigarette. Thanks to the roadtrip I've been smoking so fucking much lately. I couldn't breathe tonight. Being in the car driving down those damn white lines for 7, 8 hours at a time will make you smoke a cigarette, and then another ten minutes later. There's nothing to do. Pennsylvania. How many damn cigarettes have I smoked in Pennsylvania in my life? It's a long state to drive through. To take a train through. I love the pull of the road though. There's a few stretches of highway that I absolutely love one is: between Hagerstown MD, and Front Royal, VA. Once you get off of 81 south, and get on 66 east. It's only about 9 miles of road, but it is really nice. Front Royal is where you get on the Blueridge Parkway. It's a cool little town, with a cool diner that I took a photo of that didn't come out obviously. Route 40, near the Great Smokey Mountains is another great stretch. Oh yeah, and the drive from Knoxville to Nashville. There's one part where you see this amazing view of a valley and mountains, farms, etc. on your left. I'ts startling, and will humble anyone. These are the things that make me smile. Seeing that stuff while driving by yourself somewhere foreign. Saying out loud "shit". Not even bothering to take a picture, as it definitely won't be te same on a photograph. Sort of like the amazing strawberry sky I saw at sundown as I crossed the Tennessee border from Virginia. I did take a picture of this, and didn't realize it was the same one when I got them back. My photo just looks like the sky taken from a car. I put a live Dead tape in from 1971 as I crossed the border. Beat It On Down The Line. Goin' Down The Road Feelin' Bad. Sugar Magnolia. Playin' In The Band, and of course Tennessee Jed, which was the original intent. I'm already excited about doing it again next summer. I want to go a little more west this time, or southwest. I'd like to drive through Texas. Or The Badlands. Montana. North Dakota. Kansas. Anywhere but here. I'm going on vacation again soon I decided though. Just a weekend. Before it get's cold out. Up to Maine. I like it there, any place where the motto is "The way life should be" is cool in my book.

I need sleep.

before & after